PROSECUTOR: Are you comfortable?
MAJOR SCHMIDT: Sure.
PROSECUTOR: I’ve got a great chair in my office – really comfortable. I could have it brought down –
MAJOR SCHMIDT: No, really. I’m fine.
PROSECUTOR: Well, that’s fine, then. [pause] So, uhh, then, you, err, dropped ordnance that – hee hee – killed four soldiers and injured eight –
MAJOR SCHMIDT: War is hell, man.
PROSECUTOR: Yes. Absolutely. That’s is a long-established fact. War is, as you say, hell. Only, the soldiers you killed and wounded were Canadians, and the Canadians soldiers you killed and wounded were, in fact, our allies at the time –
MAJOR SCHMIDT: I thought they were firing on me.
PROSECUTOR: Of course you did! Anybody in your situation would! Only, of course, they were just on maneuvers in the Afghan desert.
MAJOR SCHMIDT: My CO didn’t tell me –
PROSECUTOR: Oh, I don’t think we need to go into that.
MAJOR SCHMIDT: Seriously. Nobody from headquarters informed me that –
PROSECUTOR: Major, that isn’t really relevant.
MAJOR SCHMIDT: Are you kidding me? I’ve got an involuntary manslaughter charge hanging over my head! You know I’m gonna mount a vigourous defense! And, that means pointing out that command knew about –
PROSECUTOR: Involuntary manslaughter? Oh, tut, tut. Whatever gave you the idea we would be pursuing that old chestnut? Consider that charge dropped.
MAJOR SCHMIDT: Yeah, great, but there’s still the aggravated assault charges. I could still be looking at serious jail time if I didn’t put it on the record that I wasn’t given information that my superiors clearly –
PROSECUTOR: Aggravated assault? Who said anything about aggravated assault? Did you hear me say anything about aggravated assault? Let’s just drop all this talk of aggravated assault charges, shall we?
MAJOR SCHMIDT: And, this dereliction of duty thing…
PROSECUTOR: Well, Major, you know, with four allies dead and eight injured, well, you have to be charged with something, if only so that we can hold a hearing to clear your name.
MAJOR SCHMIDT: But, I could be confined for six months and lose pay!
PROSECUTOR: Major, I don’t think you heard me correctly. Please pay careful attention to what I’m saying. You have to be charged with something, IF ONLY TO HOLD A HEARING TO CLEAR YOUR NAME.
MAJOR SCHMIDT: But –
PROSECUTOR: CLEAR…YOUR…NAME.
MAJOR SCHMIDT: Oh. Right. Gotcha.
PROSECUTOR: So, in your own words, can you please tell us what happened?
MAJOR SCHMIDT: Well, you know how it is…
PROSECUTOR: Yes?
MAJOR SCHMIDT: War is hell.
PROSECUTOR: Are you comfortable?
SUSPECT: Well –
PROSECUTOR: Turn the screws.
SUSPECT: AAAAAAARRRRGH!
PROSECUTOR: Now, how long have you been an Al Qaeda operative?
SUSPECT: I…I…I’m not!
PROSECUTOR: You’re not?
SUSPECT: I…I’m a used care salesman! From…from…from Detroit!
PROSECUTOR: Detroit – that hotbed of international terrorist activity.
SUSPECT: I’m not…a terrorist!
PROSECUTOR: You know, you’re pretty convincing. Harris over there has some doubts. Too bad for you we have insider information that Samir F. Bashir is part of an Al Qaeda cell working in the United States.
SUSPECT: That’s not me.
PROSECUTOR: Yeah, they all deny –
SUSPECT: I’m Samir E. Bashir. E. Not F.
PROSECUTOR: I don’t care if you’re the whole freaking alphabet! We have insider information that –
SUSPECT: What information?
PROSECUTOR: Excuse me?
SUSPECT: I want to see the information you have against me.
PROSECUTOR: [inaudible] So, that’s the way you wanna play it, hunh? You hear that hammering?
SUSPECT: No.
PROSECUTOR: Of course not! We’re in a sound-proof room in a concrete bunker, for crying out loud! But, if you could hear that hammering, I would tell you that it’s an execution chamber being constructed.
SUSPECT: A – gulp – execution chamber?
PROSECUTOR: Exactly. So, here’s the deal: if you confess to being a terrorist, you’ll get 20 years to life in a maximum security prison. If you don’t confess to being a terrorist, and we decide you are, you’ll get the death penalty!
SUSPECT: But, I’m innocent!
PROSECUTOR: Really? If you’re innocent, what are you doing here?