1) Who is David Duke?
2) Really?
3) David Duke, Holocaust Denier. Wasn’t that a TV series in the 1970s?
4) Seriously. Wasn’t it the series David Hasselhoff starred in before Baywatch?
5) Oh. Right. Sorry. So, what’s the deal with Holocaust deniers?
6) What is the argument that Holocaust deniers most frequently make?
7) Does that make any sense?
8) Six million people is a lot to suddenly go missing. What do Holocaust deniers claim happened to them?
9) Holocaust denial has been around for decades – why is it in the news now?
10) Why would he do such a thing?
11) You don’t believe people are evil.
12) What was the Western…err, response to the conference?
13) Hey, wait a second! Those curls…those black hats…those Yiddish accents…could there be…Orthodox Jews at the Iranian Holocaust denial conference?
14) What could they possibly be doing there?
15) Why was Shiraz Dossa, a political science lecturer at St. Francis Xavier University in Halifax at the conference?
16) But Dossa doesn’t deny the Holocaust.
17) I find your approach to this subject very distasteful. How can you make light of the Holocaust?
18) No, seriously, hasn’t this whole Frequently Unasked Questions file trivialized the Holocaust?
A dumb but loyal fighter in the third Crusade who died after slipping on a pumpkin on his way to the Promised Land (although, according to Wiwipedia, he didn’t make it much farther than Sheffield) and was rewarded by having a level of the aristocracy named after him.
No. But, the way I answered the question sounds much better than “former Ku Klux Klan leader and world famous Holocaust denier.” I mean, that’s not exactly something you put on business cards, you know? David Duke, Holocaust Denier. You don’t shout, “Honey, I’m off to do a few rounds of Holocaust denial with Mungo and the boys. Be back for dinner, alright?” as you’re walking out the door. It just doesn’t sound right.
3) David Duke, Holocaust Denier. Wasn’t that a TV series in the 1970s?
No.
4) Seriously. Wasn’t it the series David Hasselhoff starred in before Baywatch?
Uhh, look. If your going to throw out loopy concepts, you’re going to leave me with nothing to do. Besides, I’m getting the distinct impression that you aren’t sincerely interested in learning something new. If you aren’t planning on asking any serious question, could you please make way for an imaginary reader who will?
5) Oh. Right. Sorry. So, what’s the deal with Holocaust deniers?
You know when a member of the Bush administration talked about how they created reality? Holocaust deniers got there decades earlier.
6) What is the argument that Holocaust deniers most frequently make?
The basic premise is that the murder of six million Jews by Nazi Germany during World War II was an exaggeration…by five million nine hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred and ninety nine. You see, Germany was actually baking strudel and pursuing other harmlessly stereotypical Teutonic activities on the day they were supposed to be gassing and shooting innocent people.
Absolutely. As long as you ignore the testimony of the survivors of the Holocaust. And the testimony of the Allied soldiers who freed the Concentration Camp prisoners. And the record of the war crimes trials that occurred after peace was declared. And the meticulous documentation the Germans themselves kept. Once you’ve written off all of that evidence, Holocaust denial is pretty much clear sailing.
8) Six million people is a lot to suddenly go missing. What do Holocaust deniers claim happened to them?
Holocaust deniers claim that the six million Jews went vacationing in Monte Carlo and decided not to come back.
9) Holocaust denial has been around for decades – why is it in the news now?
Iranian President Mahmoud “Chuckles” Ahmadinejad hosted a conference on Holocaust denial.
10) Why would he do such a thing?
He’s evil.
11) You don’t believe people are evil.
Okay. You got me. Actually, Ahmadinejad sponsored the conference in response to the Western response to the riots in Islamic countries that were a response to insensitive cartoons about the Prophet Mohammed that ran in a Danish newspaper. Don’t ask. He argued that Western protestations of freedom of speech rang hollow; if they were genuine, they should apply to people like Holocaust deniers.
12) What was the Western…err, response to the conference?
I have never seen so many pundits put so much effort into proving an evil man right.
13) Hey, wait a second! Those curls…those black hats…those Yiddish accents…could there be…Orthodox Jews at the Iranian Holocaust denial conference?
What gave it away? The Headline that read: “Orthodox Jews attend Iranian Holocaust denial conference?”
14) What could they possibly be doing there?
Indulging in a little State of Israel denial.
15) Why was Shiraz Dossa, a political science lecturer at St. Francis Xavier University in Halifax at the conference?
Ever since Ernst Zundel was deported to Germany, it’s been tough finding a Canadian to take his place at Holocaust denial gatherings.
16) But Dossa doesn’t deny the Holocaust.
This is what free enquiry at Canada’s universities has come to.
17) I find your approach to this subject very distasteful. How can you make light of the Holocaust?
I’m not making light of the Holocaust. I’m making light of people who make light of the Holocaust. By the commutative law of satire, that actually means that I’m making…uhh…heavy of the Holocaust.
18) No, seriously, hasn’t this whole Frequently Unasked Questions file trivialized the Holocaust?
Seriously, I prefer to think that it has trivialized Holocaust deniers. And, I can’t imagine a nicer bunch of psychopaths to do that to.