“Welcome to the Gayle Sondergaard Stadium in Gavle, Sweden, where the final game of the world junior hockey championship between Canada and Czechoslovakia is about to get underway…”
“That’s right, Bill. This game isn’t important to the standings — Canada won the gold medal yesterday with a shellacking of Japan…”
“You said it, Chuck. Why, if those Japanese players had been made of wood, they would be furniture by now, maybe a sturdy breakfront or a dinette set…”
“Of course, this being Sweden, you’d probably have to assemble the Japanese team yourself…”
“You got that straight Chu — wha?”
“It’s especially brave of the Czechoslovakian team to take the ice, Bill, considering that their country recently split into two independent republics.”
“No question, they’re a plucky team, Chuck. Doomed to debilitating ethnic squabbles and a deteriorating economic morass, but they’ve got a strong defense and a lot of heart.”
“Interesting analysis, Bill. I might argue that partitioning the country into seperate Czech and Slovak Republics will actually decrease ethnic squabbling, but the referee has dropped the puck and the game is underway. Mike Walnut of the Canadian team gets the puck and shoots it into the Czechoslovakian zone where Miroslav Cheddelovchak picks it up.
“Cheddelovchak carries the puck up to his blue line, looking for somebody to pass it to. Miroslav Notyerunkle streaks down the left wing, but Cheddelovchak doesn’t see that he’s open — no, Cheddelovchak is looking right at Notyerunkle, but still he doesn’t pass the puck…Notyerunkle hits the Canadian blue line, stops and turns towards Cheddelovchak, hands on his hips, the universal sign for disappointment at not being given the puck on a clear break…”
“The Czechs are a very emotional peoples, aren’t they, Chuck?”
“They certainly are. Unless he’s a Slovak, Bi — oh! Did you see that? Tired of waiting around for Cheddelovchak to find a teammate who wants to play with him, Team Canada forward Tim Hatman decked him with a vicious but, under the rules of international play, perfectly legal check!”
“Wow! I haven’t seen a check like that since the last time I saw Platoon!”
“Cheddelovchak dropped to the ice like he had been hit by a bag of wet cement. There is a stoppage in play so they can scrape Cheddelovhack off the ice and find the puck somewhere underneath him. Czechoslovakian coach Miroslav Parsnip calls his players to the bench — he doesn’t look happy…”
“You can’t blame him, either: Notyerunkle was more open than the Canada/US border, Chuck.”
“Okay, we’re set to go again as the Czechoslovakian coach decides to send a new line ont the ice… Hatman wins the faceoff again, and sends the puck into the Czechoslovakian zone where Miroslav Feddupchuk takes it behind his own goal…teammate Miroslav Miroslavici circles around and — oh! Miroslavici speared Feddupchuk in the chest and stripped him of the puck! From his knees, Feddupchuk tackles Miroslavici, and there’s a stoppage in play as the gloves come off…”
“This is the kind of rock ’em, sock ’em hockey that only a Dan Cherry could love, Chuck…”
“Yes, but even Don Cherry would agree that you should save the sock ’em for the other team, Bi — hold on. The Czechoslovakian players have just cleared the bench to join the melee. The Canadians on the ice when the fight started are standing at the Canadian bench, shaking their heads sadly…
“The referees don’t seem to know what to do about this fight between players from the same team…as the players exhaust themselves, the head linesman is consulting the rulebook…”
“Excuse me, Chuck, but that’s not the rulebook — it’s the Geneva Convention.”
“Hmm…I think you could be right, there, Bill. But has the Geneva Convention been updated to include the new penalties calling for the ejection of instigators approved at the last NHL Board of Governors’ meeting?”
“I guess we’ll soon find out. You know, Chuck, as I sit here and watch these fine young men flailing away at members of their own team, I can’t help but think that international sports is going to take a long time to adjust to the New World Order…”