by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Elon Threelonemuskateers is applying the ages old (it started in 2007, which in internet terms would be prehistoric if everything on the internet wasn’t so well documented!) bit of tech wisdom “Move fast, break things, leave a beautiful corpse,” to the Vesampucceri government. His Department of Political Enfeeblement (DOPE) is definitely moving fast and breaking things, but the corpse of the world’s leading idiotocracy it threatens to leave behind is ugly. Like, eternal crying ugly ugly.
Within days of its inception, DOPE’s Pimple Posse (the group of 12 year-old hackers Threelonemuskateers recruited from the Deep Dark Web because he could pay them in old porn magazines and all the Red Bull their frail little bodies can consume) had closed down the United States Agency for International Resuscitation (USAIR) and fired over 50,000 government employees. The cuts affected agencies that monitor the weather, monitor infectious diseases, oversee the safety of Vesampucceri’s nuclear arsenal, oversee the education sys – wait, did you say oversee the safety of Vesampucceri’s nuclear arsenal‽‽‽
“We’re going to make mistakes,” Threelonemuskateers admitted. “Old porn magazines don’t attract the best and brightest 12 year-olds, if you know what I mean. But we will fix the problems as they are brought to our attention.”
Easier said than done. DOPE emailed the laid off National Nuclear Insecurity Administration telling them that this was a test, just a test, of the Emergency Layoff System. Had it been a real firing, they would have been locked out of every system and informed that their office tchotchkes had been given to homeless people. But since it was only a test, would they please, please, please come back to work immediately?
Unfortunately, having been locked out of their government accounts, none of the NNIA employees were able to receive the email. The government had to resort to phone calls, and, when it turned out many people blocked the government’s number, tracking them down to the bar where they had gone to drown the sorrow of losing their job. In the end, many of them returned to their significant work.
“DOPE is supposed to be about cutting waste, fraud and other naughtiness,” token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam set aside her language lesson (today, she started learning Fenwickian) to state. “They claim they’re taking a scalpel to government, but what they’re actually doing is hacking away at it with a dull axe.” After a moment’s reflection, she added: “I – my metaphors aren’t usually that graphic. I think this may be the influence of the language lessons I’ve started taking…”
“Who cares what the token smart person – who’s not really that smart – who is actually pretty dumb, you want to know the truth – and not very attractive, either – I’m talking ugly with a capital ‘Ugh!’ – has to say?” President Ronald McDruhitmumpf retorted. “Nobody elected her to anything!”
He gave a thumbs up to Threelonemuskateers. In return, the government-supported self-made tech billionaire gave a half-hearted thumbs up back.
Dumbopratic representatives pointed out that nobody elected Threelonemuskateers, either. They did their pointing in court. Attached to the idea that DOPE has no power to close government agencies or fire staff. In response, lawyers for the McDruhitmumpf administration argued that Threelonemuskateers was not, in fact, the head of DOPE. Yes, we had identified him that way since DOPE had started, but that was just…umm…you know, to protect the person who actually headed the organization.
Who was…?
After a day of fumphing and hawing and throwing anybody who asked the question out of the room, the Grey House announced that, despite all appearances, the head of DOPE was a woman named Amy Gleasonsuffering. When I asked her about it, she was on a ski vacation to Saudi Arabia. She responded, “I am? I mean, I serve at the President’s leisure, and if that’s what he wants, I suppose I can – ooooooof!”
Perhaps I should have waited until she got to the bottom of the slope before asking.
“If DOPE is a government agency, Threelonemuskateers would have to go through a hearing and be voted on by the Sennett,” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam. “He would be easily confirmed, but he might have to answer questions about his conflict of interest – conflicts of interest – so many conflicts of interest that the hearing might interfere with the Reduhblican plans to hold hearings into the criminal behaviour of the Capitol Police on January 6.”
This leaked interchange between a member of the Pimple Posse and Threelonemuskateers may be a better indicator of who is in charge at DOPE than anything the Grey House stated:
“Elon, can I go to the bathroom?”
“No.”
“But I really have to goooooooooo!”
“Aren’t you wearing one of the SpacedX diapers we graciously supplied you with?”
“They chafe my privates!”
“Too bad. You can go to the bathroom after you’ve finished installing the spyware in the FBI database.”
“I’m going to need years of therapy…”
If it survives, the entire country is likely to need years of therapy.