Lately, listening to United States President Ronald Reagan’s rhetoric is like hearing a skipping record that nobody has the heart to take off the turntable. “If we had monthly mandatory drug testing,” one can almost hear him say, “why, we could turn the economy around in no time. Think of how many extra people we’d need to employ just making all those tiny bottles…”
“But, Mr. President,” one can hear a phantom reporter protest in the press conference of the mind, “what about the staggering record loss that was recently recorded on Wall Street?”
“Well,” the thoughtful response comes, “drugs in the workplace are the reason American productivity is so far behind that of our foreign competitors. We’ve got to crack down on drugs, and Wall Street seems like a good place to start…”
“Sir, the United States is coming under increasing pressure from its allies to take action against the Apartheid government of South Africa. What will it take for you to consider not vetoing official economic sanctions against that country?”
“Well, before we interfere with the internal workings of a foreign government, we really ought to clean up our own act. That’s why I approved mandatory drug testing for all government employees…”
“But, if that’s your policy, how do you explain American involvement in Nicaragua?”
“Well, the Sandinista government is a major supplier of drugs in this country. We’re trying to stop the flow at its source.”
“But, the Drug Enforcement Agency just reported that the Sandinista government is not a major supplier of drugs. How do you explain that?”
“Well, the DEA is one of the first places government drug testing will have to be enforced, I guess.”
“Mr. President, what about the evidence that indicates that the Contras, the American-backed rebels in Nicaragua, are responsible for drugs in that country?”
“Well, whoever says that must be on drugs.”
“Is the arrest of World News and Report reporter Nicholas Daniloff going to affect relations with the Russ -“
“Drugs.”
“So, the most important issue facing the American people…?”
“You have to ask?”
It shouldn’t come as a surprise that American politicians are finding drugs such an addictive issue, this being an election year and all. It may even be understandable that Canadian politicians would adopt the same tactics, although Prime Minister Brian Mulroney’s recent embrace of the drug issue might offend those who believe the strings between Ottawa and Washington shouldn’t be quite so obvious.
“Mr. Prime Minister, it has recently come to our attention that moving the latest Canadian prison project to Manicougan, your riding, will cost taxpayers at least 10 million additional dollars for a facility far removed from the community it would serve. Would you care to comment on that?”
“I’d rather talk about the government’s recent drug initiative…”
“Mr. Prime Minister, will the American tariff on Canadian cedar shakes and shingles put Free Trade talks at risk?
“Well, I suspect that the American senators and government officials who promoted this move were on drugs at the time…”
“But, the President has instituted a drug testing programme for all government employees.”
“See what I mean?”
“What about your government’s decision to end the Petroleum and Gas Revenue Tax? Will the loss of $1.5 billion cause a major budget problem?”
“Can I get back to you on that one? It’s something to do with drugs, but I’m not sure exactly what yet…”
Unfortunately, for those of us not in politics, applying this simple procedure to duck problems is not without its own problems, as this example from the Fleming household demonstrates:
“Jimmy, I’d like to talk to you about your report card…”
“Sure, dad. What is it?”
“I see you got a D in spelling. Why is that?”
“It’s…drugs, dad.”
“You’re taking drugs!”
“Me? No! But…they…they’re all over. It’s the most serious problem facing the country.”
“But, what does that have to do with your grades?”
“The drugs are responsible, dad.”
“But, you said you don’t do drugs.”
“You want me to tell you about the decrease in productivity that is a result of the drug problem?”
“No, I want to hear about your grades!”
[sigh] “How come the Prime Minister never has this problem?”
Can you imagine telling your boss you couldn’t finish working on the Henderson file because of the Third World drug trade? How about telling your significant other you can’t make a date because of the drug problem? Or, what about telling your folks you couldn’t make it home because of drug smugglers?
Obviously, these approaches won’t work. Perhaps you should consider a career in politics…