by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime/Court/Justice Writer
and SASKATCHEWAN KOLONOSCOGRAD, Alternate Reality News Service Religion/Philosophy Writer
The 10 1/2 Circuit Court of Tennessippi has ruled that Gord’s cease and desist order against using his name in vain is legal and enforceable, and President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, Secretary of Defence War Manly Manliness of Manhood Pete Hedaiggsethative, and Speaker of the House Mike Pullyerownjohnson must abide by it. In his one paragraph ruling, Judge Walter Eigerkeenealer, a McDruhitmumpf appointee, wrote: “You think I’m gonna go against the judgment of the Gord Almighty? Sorry, but it’s not worth my soul!”
After the verdict, Attorney General Todd Blanchettverithot told journalists that it infringed upon his clients’ First Amendment right to freedom of speech. “Free speech is the right from which all of our other rights flows,” he observed, “Like a pool of blood draining out of a bullet hole.” Realizing that the metaphor might not be as reassuring as he would have liked, he quickly continued: “We will, of course, appeal this verdict. All the way to the ultimate authority if we have to.”
When one journalist pointed out that Gord was the ultimate authority on everything, AG Blanchettverithot shook his head: “Nyuh uh. The United States of Vesampucceri has a secular justice system.” When the journalist pointed out all of the times Reduhblican politicians argued that Divine justice overruled secular law, AG Blanchettverithot looked like he had just swallowed a rhino. “Oh,” he said, his grin having never been so cha’ed. “You remember that. Well, yeah, this is, umm, totally different because…err, I’m gonna have to consult with some people and get back to you on why…”
“Wait a minute! Wait just a – you know what? A minute is too long. Wait a second! Wait just a – no, that’s longer than I would like, too. Wait a – what’s shorter than a second? Never mind! Wait a period of time shorter than a second,” commented putative lawyer and undeniable shrill far-right shill Alan Dershatiswitzend. “How could one person serve the President, the Secretary of Whatever Takes His Fancy Today and the Speaker of the House papers at the very same time? It defies legal precedent, not to mention the laws of physics! I smell a procedural appeal, here!”
The Angel Gabriel, acting on behalf of Gord, explained that, like all other members of the Celestial Host, he exists outside of time and space. “At the same time as I was serving papers on those three, I was also blessing the poor on Kaklach Perjori – what you call Alpha Centauri – you might have wanted to consult with the natives before you did that – and warning members of a gas giant colony living around a sun you have yet to discover that Gord was losing patience with them, and if they didn’t behave better to the space krill around them, he would rain hellfire and damnation down on them. It was a relatively calm few seconds of your space-time.”
The Angel Gabriel went on to say that, having studied legal systems going back to the beginning of time, he doubted such an appeal would be upheld.
“I, of course, support the President 100 per cent. One hundred thousand per cent. Just keep adding zeroes and you’ll eventually get to how much I support the President,” stated the Reverend Charles Ludwidottidgson, leader of the Aptist Baptist MultiMaxiMegaChurch. During our interview, his eyes darted right and left, and he periodically swivelled his head without warning to see if anybody was behind him. “But me and my megachurch pastor buddies have been having a theological…let’s call it a discussion to give the public the appearance of good-natured comity – a theological discussion about whether it is better to support Gord’s representative on Earth or Gord himself. Regardless of the outcome of that…discussion, I will likely be heavily investing in heightened security!”
Right-wing panderpuppet Laura Loomyswoonytunes demanded in a tweep at 2:38 in the morning, “Why didn’t Gord appear in court to testify on behalf of his own case? Why did he send a lacky (a good-looking lacky, to be sure, obviously fit, with a gorgeous face and the most magnificent set of wings – but, uhh, a lacky nonetheless) to represent him? WHAT IS THE DIVINE PRESENCE HIDING?!?!?!”
At 2:37 in the morning, President McDruhitmumpf reposted the tweep. It was almost like they had coordinated their messages. Almost.
When asked about it at a decent hour later that day, the Angel Gabriel shrugged and stated: “The Gord moves in mysterious ways…”