by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service National Security Writer
The government of Ronald McDruhitmumpf claims that it has complied with a court order to reunite all of the children who were taken from their parents after crossing the border with Mexico.
“Ah believe that justice…justice is a dish best suhved cold,” said Attorney General Jeff “Self-regard” Sesspoolpandemic. “It may taste slahmy, but it goes dahn real smooth. But, uhh, a coaht has said uthuhwahse, and it’s only faiah and raht that we comply with its rulin’… At least until thuh President has an oppuhtunity ta replace that theah judge with somebody with moah respec’ foh his authoahty.”
U.S. District Judge in San Diego Dana Sabrawftbeetonpathe, who ordered the families to be reunited, wasn’t convinced. In an increasingly testy (somebody had clearly taken an IQ quiz before coming into court!) exchange with the government attorney (who was so embarrassed by the position she had to argue that she asked not to be named even though the court transcript is a public document), Judge Sabrawftbeetonpathe contested the contention.
JUDGE DANA SABRAWFTBEETONPATHE: How many children has the government reunited with their families?
[GOVERNMENT ATTORNEY]: All of them, your honour.
JUDGE SABRAWFTBEETONPATHE: All of them? Really? The day before the deadline, you were only able to confirm that four of the children were reunited with their families. You had over a month to comply with my order, and that was the best you could do, but you expect me to believe that you managed to reunite almost 2,500 families in the last 24 hours?
[GOVERNMENT ATTORNEY]: Stranger things have happened, your honour.
JUDGE SABRAWFTBEETONPATHE: They have?
[GOVERNMENT ATTORNEY]: Umm…absolutely. When you consider, I mean, for example, how life came into existence out of inanimate matter – that must have been a pretty strange moment in the history of the universe, right? Or…or…or, how the 1969 New Yoricknuhemwell Mets won the World Series. That was definitely stra –
JUDGE SABRAWFTBEETONPATHE: Councillor, how many family reunifications can you prove the government has carried out?
[GOVERNMENT ATTORNEY]: All of –
JUDGE SABRAWFTBEETONPATHE: With documentation.
[GOVERNMENT ATTORNEY]: Seven.
JUDGE SABRAWFTBEETONPATHE: Seven?
[GOVERNMENT ATTORNEY]: Okay, almost all of them.
JUDGE SABRAWFTBEETONPATHE: Seven?
[GOVERNMENT ATTORNEY]: Eight if you include Manuel…what’s his name, who probably, maybe, in all likelihood, we think is being picked up by his father’s uncle’s sister-in-law even as we speak. Why, that’s practically double digits!
JUDGE SABRAWFTBEETONPATHE: I – uhh – okay. Councillor. How do you figure seven out of 2,500 constitutes “all?”
[GOVERNMENT ATTORNEY]: Two words, your honour: the rest of the families were “in eligible.”
JUDGE SABRAWFTBEETONPATHE: That is not acceptable, Name Redacted!
[GOVERNMENT ATTORNEY]: Your honour, it’s not like what you’re asking the government to do is easy. I mean, we never kept records of the people processed at the border, so we wouldn’t know which children belonged to which parents even if the adults hadn’t disappeared into another country likely never to be heard from again!
JUDGE SABRAWFTBEETONPATHE: (moans)
“Aww, naw, Ah do buhlieve that oah critics ah bein’ unfaiah,” Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic pointed out. “Thuh numbah o’ children who have diahed in custody is actually smallah than thuh numbah who have been documented ta have been retuhned to theiah pahents. Ah do buhlieve that constahtutes a victory of ah soaht. But, do we get credit fer it? Ah think we know thuh ansah ta that question!”
“What? Wait,” token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam attempted a spit take, getting scores of 8.9, 9.1 and 3.4 from the judges (when asked why his score for her was so low, the Finnish judge said, “You would have given her a low score, too, if yours was the face her spit take was spit into!”). “Children are dying in Vesampuccerian custody? Why aren’t there protests in the streets against this‽”
“If she had evah been a pahent,” Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic asided, “Ah’m suah she would know thuh ansah ta that question!”
The government has long argued that the refugee system was broken because processing adults could be done immediately, but processing children could take up to six months. They couldn’t just keep the adults in the country until a decision was made about their children; such a policy would cause terrible hardship and suffering among President McDruhitmumpf’s base. Separating them at the border seemed the most humane thing to do.
And, yet.
And, yet, we now know that undocumented immigrants without children were not immediately deported, suggesting that the McDruhitmumpf administration was specifically targeting families. “Obviously, the Reduhblican understanding of the concept of ‘family values’ took a detour on the road to good governance when Ronald McDruhitmumpf became President!” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam mocked. “If I didn’t know any better, I would swear that there was never any actual plan to reunite children with their deported parents!”
“Wuhl, nah, Ah really do think thuh token smaht puhson is out o’ lahn on this question,” Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic argued. “As mah deah depahted Pappy used ta say, iffen the path y’all’re on leads off a cliff, don’t blame the steerin’ wheel!”
Legal scholars will be debating the meaning of this statement for decades to come.