by SASKATCHEWAN KOLONOSCOGRAD, Alternate Reality News Service Fairy Tale Writer
Justice Padme Amygdala, of the Twenty-first Circuit Galactic Court, has reserved judgment in the latest legal maneuvering in the case the tabloids have dubbed Little Red and the Gone Granny.
The issue is whether or not the defendant, G’ralk G’rrrrrtaken, will be forced to give police a blood, urine or stool sample. Sergeant Lucinda Gupta-Jones, the lead detective on the case, insisted that it would be the only way to determine whether or not the P’Gel – a race of six foot tall hairy beasts that somewhat resemble Earth wolves – ate 97 year-old Esmerelda Picante. Alan Dershowitz, G’rrrrrtaken’s lawyer, argued that this was a form of illegal seizure that violated his client’s rights.
The main evidence against G’rrrrrtaken comes from Antonia Fergessen, Picante’s granddaughter. In a deposition taken two months ago, Fergessen testified that she had met G’rrrrrtaken in a bar on Earth called The Woods. At the time, she thought the alien’s interest in her grandmother was idle curiousity about one of the solar system’s most famous celebrities, so she answered his questions as best she could.
(Picante inherited her first fortune from her mother, who married the man who received it as alimony when he divorced the woman who won it in a poker game from the man who created the artificial nose, beloved by wine connoisseurs and anti-terrorism bomb squads. Through wise investments – largely in virtual tissue paper – Picante actually tripled her fortune.
She used some of that money to buy an asteroid and install a Renaissance castle in an atmosphere bubble on it. She was the first human to establish a private home off Earth.)
The day after she met G’rrrrrtaken, Fergessen, known as Little Red Rocket Hood because the nosecone of her rocket ship was painted blood red and, at five foot nothing, she wasn’t exactly tall, paid a visit to her grandmother. Esmerelda Picante was nowhere to be found. A hairy alien wearing one of her grandmother’s robes and hairnets was there, however.
Dershowitz, argued that how his client was dressed is irrelevant and, in any case, species cross-dressing is common enough in the galaxy that a mature race would not make a big deal out of it.
Fergessen claimed to have realized that the alien had eaten her grandmother, and would likely eat her as well if she didn’t do something. To buy herself some time, Fergessen called upon her TheatreSports training to engage G’rrrrrtaken in some nonsense conversation. According to her deposition, the following exchange occurred:
FERGESSEN: Little pig, little pig, let me in!
G’RRRRRTAKEN: I beg your pardon?
FERGESSEN: Uhh… I mean, my, grandma, what big…ears you have.
G’RRRRRTAKEN: All the better to hear you with, my dear.
FERGESSEN: And…and…what big eyes you have.
G’RRRRRTAKEN: The better to see you with.
FERGESSEN: And, what big tee – umm, yeah, could we maybe stick with your eyes and ears?
Fergessen said she was about to break into a chorus of “Age of Aquarius” from the hit Broadway musical Hair when Theodore Woodz-Mann walked into the house. Woodz-Mann was Picante’s lawyer. Unknown to either Fergessen or G’rrrrrtaken, he had an appointment to meet with Picante to discuss expanding her virtual holdings, possibly to digital toilet paper.
When Fergessen apprised him of the situation, Woodz-Mann held G’rrrrrtaken so that she could call the police.
“Hard as it may be to believe,” Fergessen commented, “TheatreSports saved my life!”
Dershowitz insisted that his client is innocent. He claimed that G’rrrrrtaken was an interstellar sheep herder who had arranged to meet with Picante to discuss an investment in his design for a solar powered sheep that could live for long periods of time in the near vacuum of space and still make a tasty mutton.
“But, when my client arrived at Ms. Picante’s residence,” Dershowitz, who would not allow his client to talk to the press on the age-old legal principle that “he’ll make a total jackass out of himself and ruin our case,” stated, “the door was open but the place was empty. Nobody home. Nary a soul. Under the circumstances, he thought he’d see what he looked like in a pink bathrobe and then get back to Earth.
“If you were in his position, you would probably have done the same.”
“She’s 97 years old!” Fergessen protested. “You think she’ gonna hop into her spaceship and pop on over to Mars to get a tin of tuna from the local Wal-Mart? I don’t think so!”
While the circumstantial evidence appears strong, the absence of a body undermines the case against G’rrrrrtaken. Finding human DNA in his blood, urine or stool, on the other hand, would just about clinch it.
Justice Amygdala said she would rule on the motion within 48 Earth hours.