Strange things are happening in the Ministry of Finance:
“I’d like a loan guarantee.”
“In what amount?”
“Oh, 50…100…whatever you can afford.”
“One hundred million dollars, then.”
“Million? A hundred million? I -“
“Name?”
“Uhh…Reichmann.”
“First name?”
“Skippy.”
“Your name is Skippy Reichmann?”
“I’m the long lost eldest son of the family.”
“I see. Nature of the loan guarantee?”
“I want to be able to buy food for my family.”
“Food?”
“Did I say food? No, sorry, what I meant to say was that the recession has severely diminished my cash flow, making it difficult for us – my family – the Reichmanns – to…to make our loan payments. Yeah. That’s it. Loan payments. The Canary Wharf thing left us with a lot of unrented space, you see, which is a terrible drain on our finances. If our current loans are called, the whole empire could come crashing down in a pile of debt, causing financial difficulties for the banks whose loans to us will have to be written off. We’re too big, our connections to the financial world are too extensive, to be allowed to fail. So, I’m here to get a loan guarantee to restructure our debt…yeah, that’s it – I wanna restructure our debt.”
“Oh. That sounds reasonable.”
“And, I’ll buy food for my family with whatever I have left after I’ve done all that.”
“Mmm…are you absolutely sure you’re a Reichmann?”
“Is there a problem?”
“Well, I don’t mean to doubt you, but we’ve been getting a lot of…well, street people coming into our office claiming to be heads of multinational corporations in financial trouble, demanding hundreds of millions of dollars in loans, or at least a quarter for a cup of coffee…”
“I don’t drink coffee.”
“That’s good for your health. Still, we can’t be too careful. It may not seem like much, but a hundred million here and a hundred million there – pretty soon, it adds up to real money.”
“I understand.”
:I was hoping you would. I trust you won’t mind if I ask you a few questions – just to ensure that you are who you say you are.”
“Uhh…sure…”
“What is the role of government in business?”
“In times of economic growth or contraction?”
“Hunh? Oh…both.”
“In times of economic growth, the role of the government is to stand back and let business do its thing. In times of economic stagnation or decline, the role of government is to help the largest businesses recover from the mistakes they made during the period of economic growth.”
“Not bad…now, if a reporter accused you of being a typical big business hypocrite during an interview, would you -“
“That’s a trick question! Reichmanns don’t give interviews!”
“Indeed. Well, everything seems to be in order, Mister Reich -“
“Colourfeld!”
“Yes, Mister Sabbatical?”
“Why are you talking to this…this bum?”
“Oh, this isn’t a bum, sir. This is Skippy Reich -“
“Of course he’s a bum! Look at him! His clothing is in tatters – he’s got a beard down to his knees – he’s got cheap wine on his breath and he smells like rotting garbage!”
“Skippy…is this true?”
“It’s the Canary Wharf…uhh…thing…”
“Skippy! Are you a bum?”
“I prefer to think of myself as economically disadvantaged…”
“Oh, Skippy, you’re such a disappointment to me!”
“Get out of here! Can’t you see we have serious business to take care of?”
“Okay. Okay. But, listen, can I borrow a dollar for a cup of coffee?”
“Get out! What do you think we’re running here – a charity?”