by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology Writer
You would think that artificial intelligences would be driven (pun not intended – wait, you don’t even know it’s a pun yet – hold that thought for a second, will you?) to focus solely on what they were programmed to do. It might surprise you when, for example, an AI decided to stop whatever it was doing to watch a butterfly flutter by. And if the AI was walking your dog or doing your homework so you could spend more time gossiping with your BFF about who in your class is playing so much Roboblox they’re about to have their phone confiscated by their home room teacher, you can live with it. If, on the other hand, the AI is driving your vehicle through a tunnel at high speed, then you have a problem.
A twelve car pile-up problem. No pun intended. (No, I know that sentence doesn’t contain a pun. I was referring to the pun in the lede paragraph of – too late? Okay, yeah, probably too late. Never mind.)
This happened to a TeslaXCar.
We also think of AI as something that has infinite patience, that will only act when their programs require them to act and not a moment sooner. Nyuh unh. Artificial intelligences have grown so complex that they sometimes exhibit behaviours that we would not expect of them. Like the TeslaXCar that had places to be and people to see and objected to being stuck behind a schoolbus, so it sped around it. The best thing that can be said of this incident is that the eight year-old who had just stepped off the bus didn’t suffer.
“AI!” despaired Founder and Executive Director of Bastard AI Governance and Safety, Canada Wyatt Tessari L’Allie (his real name). Faintly, seeing as it was coming from a completely different universe, but definitely there. “Bastard AI!”
It is estimated that 412 of every 300 accidents caused by self-driving cars, nearly 90%, involve TeslaXCars. You would think that there would be consequences for the company that made the vehicles, not to mention the man who owns the company, Elon Threelonemuskateers. Considering how poorly your thinking has guided you so far in this article, I’m surprised you have any faith left in it at all.
Part of the reason we know about accidents with self-driving cars is because the government has a rule that all such accidents must be reported. (We believe that 412 out of every 300 accidents involve TeslaXCars because we’re pretty sure they aren’t.) But Threelonemuskateers considers all of the public outrage and lawsuits soooooooo tedious, such a distraction from him buyingmaking the future, so he calls up President-elect Ronald McDruhitmumpf and tells him: “Hey, good buddy. Remember when I gave your campaign a $250 million boost? Well, time to start returning the favour. The first thing I need you to do for me is to scrap the rule about companies reporting when their self-driving cars get into accidents. K? O-kay.”
“Sure thing, Elon,” the President-elect eagerly answers. “I’ll get right on that.” After a moment’s hesitation, he presses on: “Hey, you think I could get my office in Mara-Lara-Dingdong back? I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to be doing something important – I can’t quite remember what it is, but I’m sure it must be important.”
“You can have it just as soon as I’m done with it,” Threelonemuskateers replies.
“Right. Right,” President-elect McDruhitmumpf cheerlessly agrees.
The soon-to-be President asks his most trusted allies, Jared Kushkushinthebush, Steve O’Bannonallhope and Roger “Kid” Niestonewallander what they think of the idea. As one, the Three Wise Guys as they are sometimes called…behind their backs…in low voices, ask to know what the reason for changing the rules is.
When President-elect McDruhitmumpf passes the question on to Threelonemuskateers, the anti-social media mogul muses for a couple of seconds and answers: “The government spends far too much time and resources, including taxpayer funds, collecting data it doesn’t really need. This is a primary example of this problem.”
“Aaah. Gonna use the old ‘Excessive data collection’ con, are you?” President-elect McDruhitmumpf responded, a note of admiration creeping into his voice.
“It’s a lot more humane than rounding up all of the people working at the SEC and sending them to a colony on Mars,” Threelonemuskateers informs him. “Not to mention a helluva lot cheaper!”
“Consider it done, Elon, old chum, old buddy, old pal,” President-elect McDruhitmumpf assures him.
That was a quarter of a billion dollars well spent!