1.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: You know I like these talkoramas about as much as I like getting a root canal – less, actually: at least my anaesthetist has a sense of humour! But Pops Kahunga and Pops Moobley came out of a Pops Summit with a strategy for beating infectious diseases that wouldn’t hurt the economy, a song that harkened back to Sergeant Pepper era Beatles and an admonishment that we hadn’t held a discussion forum in too long, so we should really do one soon. You don’t mess with the results of a Pops Summit. The last person who tried was Richard Nixon, and we all know what happened to him! So. Joining me to consider the current state of journalism are International Writer, Dimsum Agglomeratizatonalisticalism –
DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM: Hi, everybody. Happy to be a part of this.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: You don’t have to respond to my introduction. Next to Dimsum is The Tech Answer Guy –
THE TECH ANSWER GUY: Yo. What’s up?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Perhaps I’m not making myself clear: repeated interruptions of the opening introductions will introduce slapping gloves into the proceedings. Nobody wants that. Except me. But I’m trying to work within the intent of the Pops Summit memo, so work with me, here, okay? Okay. Finally, there is Fred Fleegle-Griebfleischer, our Mystery/History/Journalism writer. (PAUSE) Alrighty, then. First question. Should we –
FRED FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER: No.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Let me ask the question, first!
FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER: I know what you’re going to ask.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: I could have been asking if we should be giving free ice cream to every writer who gets an article in by deadline.
FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER: You could have been. But, being diabetic myself, I doubt it.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: There’s that. Still, I could have been asking what happens when a journalist meets her counterpart in another universe. If they make any physical contact with each other, do they mutually annihilate, leaving nothing but electronic press releases travelling away from each other towards opposite ends of the universe?
FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER: You could have been, but I think you’ve slapped yourself from other universes often enough to know the answer to that one.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Fair point. It pains me down to my spleen to admit it, but fair point. But for all you know, I might have been asking if reporters should be given danger pay for reporting from a universe where politicians literally float in the sky on the hot air of their rhetoric, causing a falling hazard for those below them.
FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER: That, there, is what we in the business call a “trick question.” The Alternate Reality News Service don’t give danger pay. You only offer a stipend to help defray funeral costs.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: You are one cantankerous old bastard, Greeble Fleegflighter!
FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER: You got some o’ the cancerous in yer tank yerself, Gruntland-Bovanni!
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Touche! So, what was I going to ask?
FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER: You were gonna ask if we were doin’ the country a disservice by giving so much time and attention to douchenozzles – I gotta say, this time period’s got some nifty cuss words. You were gonna ask if reporting on trolls who say outrageous things just amplifies their message.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: It’s like you read my mind.
FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER: After I came to this time, somebody gave me a Etch-A-Sketch. I’m gettin’ pretty good at seein’ patterns in a dull grey surface.
AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM: Are the rest of us going to be allowed to respond to your question at some point?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: (menacing) You have somewhere you’d rather be?
AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM: No, I mean – uh…you know, I…umm…I…was just…
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: So, how would you respond?
AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM: Oh! Well, I…I agree with Fred. When people say outrageous things that could affect the course of the nation, we need to cover them, even at the risk of amplifying their message. If allowed to fester in the dark, their eruption later might be a lot harder to deal with.
FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER: I said all that?
AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM: It was implied.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Okay, as a follow-up question –
FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER: We can’t.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: You don’t know what I was going to ask.
FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER: I think we’ve already established that I do.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Does. Anybody. Else. Want. To. Answer?
AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM: Journalists who come from a universe where cats evolved as the dominant species should not expect to be able to claim fur grooming as a business expense?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Not even close.
AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM: When you’re reporting from a desert planet, don’t bother packing a harpoon?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Okay, this is just painful.
AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM: How about: we can do our best to contextualize the ravings of powerful lunatics, but if their followers choose not to see the implicit disapproval in what we write, that is not our fault? That the value of warning the general population of the extremists in our political system far outweighs the possibility that we will be further spreading the beliefs of those extremists? Is that even close?
FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER: Yes! That was exactly my point! You used more words than I would’ve, but you’re young. You’ll learn.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Fred, do you want to be leading this discussion forum?
FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER: Since you asked –
2.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Okay. Fred Fleegle-Griebfleischer had to be sent to the hospital with unexpected third degree slapping burns all over his face and shoulders, so he will not be able to continue with the discussion. In his place, we have Francis Grecoromacolluden, the Alternate Reality News Service’s National Politics reporter.
FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN: Deighted to be here!
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: (sourly) The pleasure’s all yours. We used to worry that serious news was being slowly replaced by frivolous opinion. How innocent those times seem! Now, that trend has been supplanted by another: opinion journalism being replaced by entertainment. This was probably best exemplified by the court case in which Fox News argued that it couldn’t be responsible for what its viewers did in response to what it aired because everybody knew that it was an entertainment network, not a credible news source. Is the entertainization of news a good thing?
GRECOROMACOLLUDEN: Everybody settles. You want The Newsroom. You’ll settle for: Broadcast News. You’ll get Network.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Thanks for that very unhelpful statement. I’m sure the Imaginary Movie Database will appreciate the traffic. Anybody else? Really? Anybody at all?
THE TECH ANSWER GUY: Will the donuts be arriving soon?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: The donuts?
THE TECH ANSWER GUY: I was promised donuts.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: You haven’t contributed anything to the discussion!
THE TECH ANSWER GUY: Is that all it takes to get donuts? Okay. Last night I binge watched season 17 of Lug Nuts, a reality show where guys fix automobile engines while their opponents throw nuts, screws and other small objects, many with nasty edges, at them. This is what news organizations are competing against. Should news broadcasts be more entertaining? Hell, yes! If a news show airs online and nobody’s there to watch it because they’re all watching Survivor: Ancient Rome, has it really aired?
AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM: But if we amp up the entertainment, don’t we run the risk that viewers will not receive the information that is the whole point of news in the first place? (pause) Tech Answer Guy? (pause) Hello? (pause)
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Hey! Tech Answer Dude! (snaps fingers) Somebody asked you a question!
THE TECH ANSWER GUY: I don’t see any donuts on the table…
GRECOROMACOLLUDEN: If I may. I believe what the Tech Answer Guy – love the overalls, guy. Makes you look really working class – is saying is that it is better to dilute the news with entertainment so that readers and viewers will pay it enough attention that they might get something out of it, than to hold on to some outmoded concept of news purity that will ensure that they don’t read newspapers, thereby getting no news at all.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Is that the point you were making, Tech Answer Guy? (pause) Tech Answer Guy? I asked if that was the –
THE TECH ANSWER GUY: Donuts!
3.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Okay. Before we get to the last question, I should mention that the Tech Answer Guy was rushed to the hospital with a concussion because of a fall in the shower. How could he fall in the shower when he was in the studio with us? He’s a man of hidden talents, The Tech Answer Guy is, many so deep even he isn’t aware of them! We asked other Alternate Reality News Service reporters if they would be willing to substitute for him, but they looked at the injury rate of participants in the discussion forum and politely declined. Some not so politely. A couple downright rudely, if you want to know the truth. We’ll see how they like having their thousand word feature cut down to one paragraph to fill space on the final page of obituaries! So, instead, he has been replaced by a life-sized cardboard cutout of Edward R. Murrow spray painting BLM on the side of a church. Final question: much has been made of so-called “citizen journalism.” It seems like any idiot with a phone – and most idiots have at least one – can shoot a video and post it to social media and get more views than the most thoughtful journalist. Are traditional news outlets…obsolete?
AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM: No.
GRECOROMACOLLUDEN: Absolutely not.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Well, that’s that, then. I’d like to thank everybody who… (pause; sighs) I know I’m going to hate myself in the mourning for this, but in the spirit of the Pops summit memo…could you please elaborate on your answers?
AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM: Absolutely not.
GRECOROMACOLLUDEN: Absolutely, definitely not.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Are you…defying me?
AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM: Absolutely, definitely not, Brenda!
GRECOROMACOLLUDEN: Oh, Brenda! Absolutely, most assuredly, definitely not!
Pause.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Let’s start over. You seem to be in agreement that citizen journalism does not necessarily mean the death of professional journalism. Why not?
GRECOROMACOLLUDEN: Context.
AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM: Oh, yes. Absolutely. Context. Definitely.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: (through gritted teeth) What about context?
AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM: Okay. So you have, like, a group of protesters shouting outside a church, a shopping mall or Parliament. Over a shaky video shot by somebody cowering behind a nearby parked car, you may be able to make out people chanting, “Ride a bus! Ride a bus! Ride a bus!” Or, maybe they’re shouting, “No more Gus! No more Gus! No more Gus!” Or, maybe they’re shouting “Octopus! Octopus! Octopus!” A proper journalist would make clear what they are chanting and give background as to why the protesters are fed up with Gus.
GRECOROMACOLLUDEN: Or, why they seem to be so concerned about a soft-bodied, eight-limbed mollusc.
AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM: There’s a lot of that going about.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Okay. Sure. Context. But it’s also true that traditional media have limited resources and can only cover so much. Isn’t there an advantage to having reports from parts of the world that traditional media can’t cover, or from voices that you don’t usually hear? (pause) Francis? Dimsum? Any thoughts?
GRECOROMACOLLUDEN: You’re right. Citizen journalism is the future of information.
AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM: I’m going to set up a Tik Tok account as soon as this discussion is over.
GRECOROMACOLLUDEN: Tik Tok…is that some kind of time travel agency?
AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM: Oh, Francis!
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Aaaaaaaaand, another Alternate Reality News Service discussion forum successfully crashes and burns. I’d like to thank all of the journalists who shared their insights and experience with us, but that would be lying. I’d also like to thank Pops Moobley and Pops Kahunga for suggesisting that we do this, and you know I’m sincere because I don’t want to get on their bad sides. Okay – anybody want…donuts?