1) Who was Benazir Bhutto?
2) Isn’t that a description of azaleas?
3) Seriously, wasn’t Bhutto a former Prime Minister whose return to Pakistan was meant to signal the willingness of military strongman Pervez Musharraf to embrace democratic reform?
4) Oh, well, I –
5) As a matter of fact, I did. How did Bhutto die?
6) If that was true, it wouldn’t have been news. Really, how did she die?
7) If that was true –
8) Why don’t you want to tell me how Benazir Bhutto died?
9) Try me. How did Benazir Bhutto die?
10) Look, why don’t you just tell me the official version of her death?
11) Why would –
12) Why would the official explanation change so much?
13) Nice callback.
14) Who killed Benazir Bhutto?
15) Seriously, who killed Benazir Bhutto?
16) So, it’s a perfectly credible theory?
17) What has been the crassest exploitation of Bhutto’s death within 48 hours of her assassination?
18) How have Pakistanis responded to the assassination?
19) That’s insane! Don’t they know they’re undermining their own interests?
20) Is it…is it possible that Musharraf or those sympathetic to him are stoking the violence so that they can use it as an excuse to cancel January’s election?
21) Why not?
22) What has the international response to the assassination been?
23) Okay, that’s the American response. What about other important countries?
Benazir Bhutto was a flowering shrub that made up part of the genus Rhododendron. Originally Bhutto was classed as a different genus, but now she is recognised as two of the eight sub-genera of rhododendrons – subgenus Pentanthera (deciduous), and subgenus Titsushi (evergreen).
2) Isn’t that a description of azaleas?
It’s such a fine line…
3) Seriously, wasn’t Bhutto a former Prime Minister whose return to Pakistan was meant to signal the willingness of military strongman Pervez Musharraf to embrace democratic reform?
Well…pfah!…if you know so much, why are you bothering to ask any questions?
Did you know that she was assassinated?
5) As a matter of fact, I did. How did Bhutto die?
Old age.
6) If that was true, it wouldn’t have been news. Really, how did she die?
She fell in the shower.
Really! With an aging population, there’s an epidemic of people dying in the shower! That’s newsworthy – don’t you think that’s newsworthy?
8) Why don’t you want to tell me how Benazir Bhutto died?
You wouldn’t believe me.
9) Try me. How did Benazir Bhutto die?
Okay. Bhutto was standing in the sunroof of her limousine as it drove her away from a speech when she was hit with two bullets. A few hours later, the bullets and the holes they made mysteriously disappeared, because it turns out that she really died from shrapnel from an explosion near the limo. Except, that disappeared, too, and it’s now believed that she died when she was thrown backwards and her head hit the sunroof of her limousine.
10) Look, why don’t you just tell me the official version of her death?
That was the official version of her death!
Then, she slipped in the shower.
12) Why would the official explanation change so much?
If she died from an assassin’s attack, she could become a martyr for the cause of democracy. If she died in a bizarre limo accident, she’s just another dumb Muslim who was seduced by western ideas, no more important to the evolution of Pakistani democracy than…than an azalea!
Thank you. I am a comedy professional. I would caution, though, against taking any of this as the final word. Musharraf’s government has refused offers from western governments to help in the investigation of Bhutto’s death. By tomorrow, the official version may be that she slipped and fell in the shower in her limousine.
14) Who killed Benazir Bhutto?
Lee Harvey Oswald, and, surprise surprise, he acted alone.
15) Seriously, who killed Benazir Bhutto?
Musharraf’s government has released transcripts of tapes of a conversation in which Baitullah Mehsud, head of a newly formed coalition of Islamic militants believed to be linked to Al Qaeda, boasted that his group was responsible for Bhutto’s death. “Yeah, we iced da bitch,” he says in the transcript. “Nobody messes wit – what did we decide to call ourselves dis week? Wha? Hey, has da stationary come in, yet? I feel like writing a letter claiming responsibility for da killing!”
16) So, it’s a perfectly credible theory?
I’m leaving my money on Lee Harvey Oswald. But, only because Musharraf himself isn’t in the running…by military decree.
17) What has been the crassest exploitation of Bhutto’s death within 48 hours of her assassination?
HarperCollins announcing that it will rush her book, Reconciliation Islam, Democracy and the West, into stores by February. Apparently, the publisher feels other assassinations will make Bhutto’s book irrelevant if it isn’t published before they can happen. RUNNER-UP: the Globe and Mail, who put Bhutto’s recommendation of The Kite Runner on the front page of its weekend book section. What, they didn’t have a shopping list? HONOURABLE MENTION: the Canadian Loonie, which rose substantially because of fears that turmoil in oil rich Pakistan would raise the price of that precious commodity (which, of course, none of the fuss in the region has been about). Feel free to start feeling guilty at any time.
18) How have Pakistanis responded to the assassination?
With all the dignity that you would expect from citizens of a great democracy: with shootings, looting and riots across the country. The torching of nine electoral commission offices in Bhutto’s home province of Sindh were an especially poignant comment on the commitment of the average Pakistani to the democratic process.
19) That’s insane! Don’t they know they’re undermining their own interests?
Oh, like poor people in North American don’t ever vote for conservative politicians who will eliminate the social programmes that would help them!
20) Is it…is it possible that Musharraf or those sympathetic to him are stoking the violence so that they can use it as an excuse to cancel January’s election?
Naah.
Because the Western press is heavily invested in the storyline of a people so consumed with grief that it spills over into violence in the streets. And, once the press has established the story, you know how much they hate to let go – some journalists still report that Dewey won the 1948 election against Truman!
22) What has the international response to the assassination been?
The Americans keep chanting: “Pervez, Pervez, he’s our man! If he can’t restore order, secure his country’s borders, continue assisting the war on terror, renounce his military connections and hold fair and honest elections, nobody can!”
23) Okay, that’s the American response. What about other important countries?
Oh, you’re such a big silly! Don’t you know that the United States is the only important country?