by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service National Security Writer
For over 50 years, the Federal Bureau of Instigations has put proposed cabinet secretaries through a process known as “vetting.” This has nothing to do with testing them for worms or fitting them with flea collars (although President Richard Nixwatmondnewon’s cabinet picks were quite a collection of mangy mutts!). It means their backgrounds are thoroughly investigated for undisclosed indiscretions, such as allegations of cheating on one’s spouse with somebody of the wrong gender, support for Palestine or attending a Taylor Swiftandfurious concert.
If there is something in a cabinet member’s past that they do not want publicly disclosed, they could be blackmailed by a foreign country that has that information. (To be sure, they could be blackmailed by a country that doesn’t have that information, but this is 93% less effective according to the novels of John Le Cashandcarre.) An enemy of Vesampucceri could, in this way, force the cabinet member to give it sensitive intelligence or, in a worst case scenario, front row tickets to aTaylor Swiftandfurious concert.
Yeah, President-elect Ronald McDruhitmumpf has announced that he isn’t going to do that. If any of his cabinet choices sense the presence of an FBI agent around them, they’ll scurry back to the rocks they came out from under and won’t return to the light until the coast is clear.
Instead, he’s going to use a private dick (which I originally meant as a professional designation rather than a personal judgment; however, now that I have had an opportunity to interview him, I think they are equally appropriate) who asked to be identified as “The Continental Breakfast.” We met in the dining room of the Continental Hotel, his main workplace. (The Continental Breakfast’s other office was in the Ruby Soho Strip Club next door, but it doesn’t open until three, and that happens to be my deadline. *SIGH*) The detective didn’t arrive until 10:03, over an hour late, so we just missed breakfast, but I appreciated his intent.
“She strutted into the joint like a parrot secure in the beauty of its plumage,” he said as if I wasn’t there (even though I had just assured him that I could expense his drinks to the Alternate Reality News Service). “She had legs up to her neck and curves you couldn’t create with steady hands and a protractor. Not that your hands would be steady around her. Or free to draw the circle. Her eyes were like Mongolian chestnuts, all -“
I interrupted the detective to warn him in no uncertain terms that if he didn’t stop the sexist narration, I would reveal his name in the article – or, worse, cut off his bar tab. He bashfully nodded his agreement.
When I asked The Continental Breakfast what he thought qualified him to vet cabinet nominees, he replied: “I have looked into the dark heart of the human soul and didn’t claw my own eyes out. I have confronted the worst human depravity and have not been tainted by the experience. I have watched C-SPAN.”
I gave the man my condolences. Nobody should ever have to watch S-SPAN.
“I can’t believe you got me out of the tub for this!” moaned token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “Say what you will about the FBI – you may as well because they’ve already heard you say it to your closest confidante – but they’ve been vetting political appointees for decades and they are very good at it! They have a lot of personpower they can throw at an investigation. They have the ability to bring charges against anybody who lies to them. They have Jack Facialwebbgriller. Jack Facialwebbgriller! Meanwhile, McDruhitmumpf is putting a two-bit shamus on the case? What does he bring?”
“Integrity?” The Continental Breakfast responded.
Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam snorted. “I’m going back to what I was doing before the water gets cold and the wine gets warm. Consider me in Do Not Disturb mode for the next half ho – no, make that an hour!”
I wondered why she didn’t just mute her phone. Token smart persons have blind spots, too, I guess.
The Continental Breakfast frowned when I suggested that the incoming president knew what most of the shortcomings of his nominees were, and was using the detective to see if there was anything else that he could use to blackmail them. “So, you’re saying the whole case is a double cross by a dirty lowlife snake who has no interest in uncovering the truth?”
When I nodded, the Continental Breakfast smiled. “Great – that’s when I do some of my best work!”