by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
“I never cheated on my taxes.”
“I never cheated on my wife.”
“I never lie,” the Great Grey Turtle of a Reduhblican Senator from the great state of Missourtucky said with a straight face. The Reduhblicans sitting in comfortable chairs, brandy snifters in one hand, cigars in the other (except for the female Unrepresentative from New Yoricknuhtucky, the one whose nomination for a Cabinet position had to be withdrawn to protect the party’s thin margin in the House, who was smoking a filtered cigarette “on the urgent advice of my doctor – that quack!”) looked at him for a moment in disbelief, then everybody broke out laughing.
I had been invited to sit in with various Reduhblican politicians at Monty Shenanigans, a bar on K Street, on the condition that I did not name any of the participants in the conversation. They know who they are. You can probably guess.
The group of half a dozen pols agreed that there were different levels of dishonesty. Personal dishonesty was, well, personal, and shouldn’t have any bearing on one’s career. Political fibs (ie: “If elected, I won’t cut Medicare.”) are expected by the public, and shouldn’t have any bearing on one’s career. Then, there’s McDruhitmumpf level lying.
“He lies about everything!” exclaimed the House backbencher from Alabucky that nobody has ever heard of even though he’s served in the seat for over 30 years. “His policies! His personal life! The phases of the moon! Who cares enough about the phases of the moon to lie about them? How can any normal human being keep up with the sheer volume of untruths? It’s exhausting!”
“I often wonder,” His Turtley Highness proclaimed, “how his brain doesn’t creep down his spinal column and strangle him right there in front of the press!”
“Oh, ha ha ha, you guys,” declaimed a Georgucky Congresswoman who had started in the Tea Party and was now a loyal McDruhitmumpf surrogate. “Fun is fun, but you need to cut the president some slack. He did win two landslide victories, and he’s going to use the massive mandate he has to cut waste and fraud from the government so we can devote more resources to serving the Vesampucceri people!”
“Looks like some people can keep up with the volume of lies,” the backbencher muttered under his breath. The Unrepresentative from the Tea Party Universe gave him a dirty (not the good kind she reserves for movie theatres) look, but said nothing.
“What really frosts my chestnuts,” said the Louisiuckian Speaker of the House, “is that we don’t always get the talking points in time. Somebody asked me for a comment when the Signal2Noise chat debacle broke, and the first thing out of my mouth was, ‘Is that some kind of Marshall McLuhantiktok reference, because I don’t think I’m familiar with it.’ I looked like an idiot when I found out what the question was really about, and I hate looking like an idiot!”
Everybody in the group looked at sconces on the walls of the bar with sudden great interest. After several seconds of aaaaaawkwaaaard silence, the Tea Party representative put a hand on his should and said, “I wouldn’t worry about it too much – you don’t look like an idiot nearly as often as you think you do.”
The Old War Turtle figured that this was a good time to order another round of drinks.
“The thing that I hate is how quickly the lies change,” remarked the oily Texatucky Senator who has been voted “Most likely to sell a used car to a shut-in” for seven of the last eight years. “He starts with a pledge to lower the price of eggs on day one. As the price of eggs keeps going up, he assures people that lower prices are coming. When the price of eggs dips, he claims he kept his promise of lowering the price, even though it’s still higher than when he came into office. Then, he says that across the board tariffs on the rest of the world won’t raise the price of eggs because…trust me. At one point, I was three lies behind!”
I asked the group if they were ever tempted to level with the Vesampuccerian people.
“Are you kidding?” said the backbencher nobody knows (even the people who voted for him), “I’m allergic to primaries!”
“Are you serious?” said the slick Texatucky Senator, “I’m allergic to death threats!”
“Aww, you guys!” the Tea Party harridarling waved a hand at them. “You know the president is always open to criticism. When it’s justified. And expressed in the least aggressive way possible. Not that it matters. It’s not like he’s done anything that he could be criticized for.”
The members of the group looked at her, equally amused and appalled.