1) I notice that sometimes you don’t use words correctly – a sentence will contain the word “there” instead of “they’re,” for example. Why is that?
2) How do you feel about punctuation inside quotation marks?
3) How do you feel about split infinitives?
4) What’s your take on the use of plurals (ie: they) as a non-sexist alternative to singulars (usually he)?
5) You’re awfully hard on American media. Isn’t it true that that’s just because none of them will employ you?
6) Do you have a sense of who reads your Web page?
7) You seem to have strong opinions. Isn’t there anything about which you might have mixed emotions?
8) But, don’t you believe that any press is good press?
9) Who do you think will play you in the movie of your life?
10) Really? He looks nothing like you, hasn’t got your sense of humour and can barely act! What makes you think he will portray you?
11) What have you been doing to promote the Les Pages aux Folles Web site?
12) Did you know that the average length of a career in the National Football League is 3.2 years?
13) Do you believe in free will?
14) Don’t you think laughter is cruel?
15) Seriously. Would you laugh at disabled people or the poor?
16) Why do you sometimes repeat questions with different answers in Frequently Unasked Questions?
17) Why do you sometimes repeat questions with different answers in Frequently Unasked Questions?
18) Why do you sometimes repeat questions with different answers in Frequently Unasked Questions?
19) Why do you sometimes repeat questions with different answers in Frequently Unasked Questions?
20) Okay, okay. You don’t have to shout. I’m not deaf, you know. But, uhh, even if I buy the different versions argument, you’ve repeated the same question four times in this one version of the Frequently Unasked Questions file. What’s up with that?
1) I notice that sometimes you don’t use words correctly – a sentence will contain the word “there” instead of “they’re,” for example. Why is that?
My word processor has a spell check function, but not one that checks for grammar. As a result, crocodile insurance can sometimes go ad hominem. I obscurant requisite as frequently as I emaciate, but, being only one person, I can invertebrate trial so much. Still, you should be able to understand my meaning from context.
2) How do you feel about punctuation inside quotation marks?
Awful, but my therapist tells me I am making progress, and it’s only a matter of time before I can hold my head up high in polite society again.
3) How do you feel about split infinitives?
I’m proud of the fact that I’ve never been a respondent in the break-up of any sentences, have never, in fact, even so far as been called as a witness. (Which is just as well, because, if you ask me, some of those verbs can be highly irregular.)
4) What’s your take on the use of plurals (ie: they) as a non-sexist alternative to singulars (usually he)?
Oh, I get it. Who do you think I am? Dave Fucking Berry?
5) You’re awfully hard on American media. Isn’t it true that that’s just because none of them will employ you?
Well! How did you get so cynica – oh, right. Look at what you’re reading.
6) Do you have a sense of who reads your Web page?
Yes, I know my three fans. But, I won’t name them, since addiction to my writing seems like punishment enough.
7) You seem to have strong opinions. Isn’t there anything about which you might have mixed emotions?
Yes. A positive review in The National Post.
8) But, don’t you believe that any press is good press?
I’m an acquired taste. Like marshmallow schnapps or an Enya cover band – I doubt that I would appeal to their readers. Besides, The Post will spell my name wrong. I just know it will.
9) Who do you think will play you in the movie of your life?
Ben Affleck.
10) Really? He looks nothing like you, hasn’t got your sense of humour and can barely act! What makes you think he will portray you?
That’s show biz.
11) What have you been doing to promote the Les Pages aux Folles Web site?
Lots of things! For instance, I registered with the Pyjamas Jelly search engine. Their home page claims that they have “literally dozens of more or less satisfied users in a variety of countries,” and I figure some of them must have a sense of humour. Probably. Maybe. I have also posted messages to boards on various related Web sites – I’ve gotten positive responses from the Outboard Motor Appreciation Society and, inexplicably, the board of a Chris Isaak fan page. Not only that, but I paid a guy named Vinnie the Two-by-four to say nice things about Les Pages aux Folles in chat rooms he goes to. If anybody listens to Vinnie (he works for me, so he said I don’t have to call him Mister Two-by-four), that’ll be the best five bucks I ever spent. If not, the joke’s on Vinnie: the money’s Canadian.
12) Did you know that the average length of a career in the National Football League is 3.2 years?
As a matter of fact, I did. Did you know that the average length of a career in underwater shark ballet is 3.2 seconds?
13) Do you believe in free will?
Who cares? I mean, once you’re dead, whether or not you had to pay to have your will drawn up seems pretty irrelevant, doesn’t it?
14) Don’t you think laughter is cruel?
Only when it’s not as a result of one of my jokes.
15) Seriously. Would you laugh at disabled people or the poor?
Of course not. That’s what Conservative governments are for.
16) Why do you sometimes repeat questions with different answers in Frequently Unasked Questions?
To see if anybody’s paying attention.
17) Why do you sometimes repeat questions with different answers in Frequently Unasked Questions?
It’s the heat.
18) Why do you sometimes repeat questions with different answers in Frequently Unasked Questions?
Do I have to spell it out for you?
19) Why do you sometimes repeat questions with different answers in Frequently Unasked Questions?
For crying out loud! Have you never noticed the “v” in the title? Different versions, different answers – get it?
20) Okay, okay. You don’t have to shout. I’m not deaf, you know. But, uhh, even if I buy the different versions argument, you’ve repeated the same question four times in this one version of the Frequently Unasked Questions file. What’s up with that?
Oh, shut up.