1) I have never heard you denounce bloodthirsty Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein – why do you support him?
2) How do you celebrate the Christmas holidays?
3) Doesn’t it bother you that you are building a career on the suffering of others?
4) How do you make money?
5) No, no. I meant: since you don’t charge for your Web site, how do you make money from your writing?
6) You don’t seem to be doing any conceptual pieces any more. Have you given up on surrealism?
7) Why does Les Pages aux Folles have so many origin stories?
8) Do you ever feel uninspired?
9) It’s called writer’s block –
10) What do you do when you have it?
11) What are you wearing right now?
12) If I inject petaflops into the EMM386.EXE command line in my CONFIG.SYS file, will I risk changing the NOEMs switch to the ram switch?
13) Ha! I just made all the technical jargon up! It’s absolute gobbledygook – totally meaningless! And, you didn’t catch it. Call yourself a computer techie?
14) When is Toni Braxton gonna appear in one of your columns?
15) I don’t really get a sense of who you are from your writing, and I think I would be able to relate to it better if I felt a connection to you. Why don’t you write about your personal experiences more?
16) How can you justify engaging in frivolous activity like comedy writing when there is so much hatred and suffering in the world?
17) Since you think you’re so smart about politics, why don’t you run for public office?
18) Do you exploit the labourers who produce your columns?
19) Uhh, actually, I was wondering if you get enough sleep, or, maybe, are a little over-caffeinated.
1) I have never heard you denounce bloodthirsty Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein – why do you support him?
I have never heard you, dear reader, denounce cancer – why do you support it?
2) How do you celebrate the Christmas holidays?
I dance naked around a bank with a tree in the window for several hours until visions of Harry Potter videos dance in my head, at which point I sacrifice a small marsupial to the god of K-Mart’s net annual profits.
3) Doesn’t it bother you that you are building a career on the suffering of others?
Hey! I didn’t create human greed and stupidity. Can I help it if human greed and stupidity give me job security?
I assume I make money the way everybody else does: I find the most advanced photocopier available and –
5) No, no. I meant: since you don’t charge for your Web site, how do you make money from your writing?
People actually make money from writing?
6) You don’t seem to be doing any conceptual pieces any more. Have you given up on surrealism?
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7) Why does Les Pages aux Folles have so many origin stories?
My spiritual leader, GedRael, says that we should propagate new origin myths whenever the old ones get boring. This is the purpose of ClownAid, a corporation dedicated to cloning Bozo, Ronald McDonald and various other painted images of fun who, according to legend, came to Earth 25 million years ago and used dinosaurs as the butts of their jokes, causing the ancient creatures to go extinct from embarrassment. Les Pages aux Folles is an ongoing updating of the GedRaelian gospels, but that’s not very impressive, since the same can be said of the McDonald’s happy menu.
8) Do you ever feel uninspired?
Of course! We all have…you know…bad, uhh, periods when the words just don’t…uhh, come. It’s called writer’s…writer’s…something. If, like me, you’re used to writing a lot, it can be really…uhh, really, kind of, well, hard. That’s it. Hard.
9) It’s called writer’s block –
Yeah. That’s it. Writer’s block.
10) What do you do when you have it?
I put my computer on auto-pilot and hope the results aren’t too embarrassing. So far, I’ve been pretty disappointed, but what can I do? The insatiable maw must be fed.
11) What are you wearing right now?
A Home Hardware t-shirt with Napanee on the front and Juicy Couture sweat pants that actually say “Juicy” on the ass. I’m channeling my inner Avril Lavigne. It’s so not pretty.
12) If I inject petaflops into the EMM386.EXE command line in my CONFIG.SYS file, will I risk changing the NOEMs switch to the ram switch?
Uhh…yes?
13) Ha! I just made all the technical jargon up! It’s absolute gobbledygook – totally meaningless! And, you didn’t catch it. Call yourself a computer techie?
Uhh…no?
14) When is Toni Braxton gonna appear in one of your columns?
Sorry. I don’t do requests.
15) I don’t really get a sense of who you are from your writing, and I think I would be able to relate to it better if I felt a connection to you. Why don’t you write about your personal experiences more?
Whenever I start to describe looking out of my kitchen window waiting for inspiration to hit, people threaten to dismember me with toothpicks.
16) How can you justify engaging in frivolous activity like comedy writing when there is so much hatred and suffering in the world?
Uhh…you think if I was suffering more the world would be a better place?
17) Since you think you’re so smart about politics, why don’t you run for public office?
Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach. Those who can’t teach become Premiers and Education Ministers in the Common Sense Revolution.
18) Do you exploit the labourers who produce your columns?
Absolutely not! If you are referring to the situation described in “When Elves Rebel,” I can assure you that my professional relationship with the elves who toil on Les Pages aux Folles is well beyond what is required by international agreement. If you are talking about the workers in Uttar Pradesh referred to in the column “Constitutional Crisis? What Constitutional Crisis?” charges of exploitation have been declared utterly false by international labour tribunals that inspected our workshops, and we will take vigourous legal action against anybody who claims otherwise.
19) Uhh, actually, I was wondering if you get enough sleep, or, maybe, are a little over-caffeinated.
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