1. Former President Donald Trump was indicted by a grand jury in New York. What was he charged with?
2. Is that a crime?
3. Okay, but, in this reality, what was he charged with?
4. That’s tawdry, but it’s a minor crime at best. Why would it merit an indictment?
5) Trump claimed that he would be arrested the previous Tuesday. It didn’t happen. How could he say it would?
6) Umm, okay, but I meant why would he do that?
7) Before the indictment came down, the press said it probably wouldn’t happen until after the grand jury had come back from a month-long recess. Given the secrecy with which the grand jury deliberated, why would they make such a prediction?
8) What was billionaire George Soros’ role in Trump’s indictment?
9) But Trump keeps bringing up his name in regard to the indictment. How could he do that if Soros has nothing to do with it?
10) Umm, okay, but why would he do that?
11) In those posts on Twitter knock-off Truth Antisocial, Trump has also threatened death and destruction if he is indicted. In one post, a picture of him wielding a baseball bat was shown next to a picture of the head of the DA bringing the case. Isn’t this a classic case of obstruction of justice, or possibly insurrection?
12) But, he was indicted.
13) Have the Republicans responded to the indictment by saying that Trump is innocent and we should let the system work like it was designed so that he can prove it?
14. Uhh, thanks. I guess. But seriously, how did the Republicans respond to the indictment?
15) Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has announced that he will not allow Trump, who currently lives in his state, to be extradited to New York. How can he say that?
16) Of course. But he has no discretion in this matter: states are required to respect each other’s extradition requests. So why would he say what he did?
17) Will Florida seceding from the United States be good for DeSantis?
18) * EXASPERATED SIGH * So, why?
1. Former President Donald Trump was indicted by a grand jury in New York. What was he charged with?
Being former President Donald Trump.
According to his supporters, it is. They believe in alternate Criminal Code facts.
3. Okay, but, in this reality, what was he charged with?
We can’t say for certain because the indictment was sealed. What we do know is that the grand jury was looking into hush money payments to porn star Stormy Daniels that Trump claimed were “lawyer’s fees.” It gives new meaning to the phrase “legal services.”
4. That’s tawdry, but it’s a minor crime at best. Why would it merit an indictment?
The payment was made two weeks before the 2016 election. It appears to have been to keep a damning story out of the press in order to help Trump win the presidency. This would make it an undeclared campaign contribution. And you don’t mess with the campaign police – they’re animals for justice!
5) Trump claimed that he would be arrested the previous Tuesday. It didn’t happen. How could he say it would?
Donald Trump is a big man with a big ass. You would not believe how many facts are in there just waiting to be pulled out!
6) Umm, okay, but I meant why would he do that?
It’s Trump’s Rube-i-con, and there are millions of reasons why he will cross it.
7) Before the indictment came down, the press said it probably wouldn’t happen until after the grand jury had come back from a month-long recess. Given the secrecy with which the grand jury deliberated, why would they make such a prediction?
The collective ass of the press is almost as big as Trump’s, but they have a lot more air time to fill.
8) What was billionaire George Soros’ role in Trump’s indictment?
The same as yours or mine (as long as we’re not New York DA Alvin Bragg): absolutely none.
9) But Trump keeps bringing up his name in regard to the indictment. How could he do that if Soros has nothing to do with it?
Have you seen the size of Donald Trump’s ass? It’s the Everest of ass facts!
10) Umm, okay, but why would he do that?
You know what they say: the antisemitism is the point.
11) In those posts on Twitter knock-off Truth Antisocial, Trump has also threatened death and destruction if he is indicted. In one post, a picture of him wielding a baseball bat was shown next to a picture of the head of the DA bringing the case. Isn’t this a classic case of obstruction of justice, or possibly insurrection?
It certainly is something. It could be a whole new legal strategy: keep committing crimes so that grand juries will have to continue to sit to deliberate over the new crimes and never a get around to indicting the old ones.
I didn’t say it was a good strategy.
13) Have the Republicans responded to the indictment by saying that Trump is innocent and we should let the system work like it was designed so that he can prove it?
You’re so cute! I just want you to follow me home so my mother can say I can’t keep you!
14. Uhh, thanks. I guess. But seriously, how did the Republicans respond to the indictment?
Lindsey Graham hyperventilated and had to sit in a dark room and breath into a paper bag until he calmed down (he should be out any day now). Marjorie Taylor Greene went to prison (don’t get your hopes up – it was voluntary) to interview convicted insurrectionists (or, as she likes to call them, “January 6 Martyrs”). Jim Jordan huffed and puffed and demanded all of the documents in the case or he would…huff and puff some more. Mostly, though, Republicans argued that the indictment was proof of the “weaponization” or “politicization” or “some other negative word that ends in ‘ization'” of justice in America. Did I mention that the indictment was sealed and they had no idea what was in it? That seems relevant…
15) Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has announced that he will not allow Trump, who currently lives in his state, to be extradited to New York. How can he say that?
Easy. He bangs his head against a wall for an hour, then opens his mouth and lets whatever pieces have broken off in there fall out.
16) Of course. But he has no discretion in this matter: states are required to respect each other’s extradition requests. So why would he say what he did?
He’s dipping his toe into the shallow end of the secession pool.
17) Will Florida seceding from the United States be good for DeSantis?
Of course not! How will he be able to become President of the United States if he is no longer a citizen?
18) * EXASPERATED SIGH * So, why?
See the answer to question 15.