1. How bad is the American health care system?
2. Please don’t. Most industrial countries have a single payer health care system. Why are Americans afraid of single payer health care?
3. Isn’t that ridiculous?
4. What is all this I hear about a “public option?”
5. Doesn’t it have something to do with the government offering insurance to the public to compete with the insurance companies?
6. Aren’t progressives in Congress fighting for the public option?
7. Hmm…what goals would that be?
8. What is an employer mandate?
9. I see. So, what is the individual mandate?
10. Okay. Then, what is a romantic man date?
11. Well…okay, employers and individuals will be mandated to buy insurance. But, if they couldn’t afford it before, how will they be able to afford it now?
12. I stopped believing in mandate fairies when I was six years old. I’m betting the money to cover the uninsured is going to come from the government. Wouldn’t this mean that mandates are just a massive gift to the insurance companies?
13. Death panels? What death panels?
14. What’s this about death panels?
15. What has the reaction to this misinformation been?
16. No, I meant what has the government reaction to this misinformation been?
17. Is this likely to get Republican support for health care reform?
18. That doesn’t sound like support for change.
19. These are people the Democrats think they can work with on health care reform?
20. Americans are doomed, aren’t they?
1. How bad is the American health care system?
Almost 50 million Americans have no insurance at all; they fear getting sick more than people in the Middle Ages feared the plague. Insurance companies deny payment for people with pre-existing conditions, such as acne, hangnails and Mormonism. When an insured American sneezes, bankruptcy lawyers within a five mile radius have an erection. I could go on…
2. Please don’t. Most industrial countries have a single payer health care system. Why are Americans afraid of single payer health care?
Most have been convinced that they will be the ones who have to foot the medical bill for the whole country, and none of them has several trillion dollars kicking around in their retirement funds.
Of course. Everybody knows Josh Ferngreible of Mashing Mullets Falls, North Dakota will be the single payer.
4. What is all this I hear about a “public option?”
It’s a dream sequence David Lynch thought was too unbelievable to include in Twin Peaks.
5. Doesn’t it have something to do with the government offering insurance to the public to compete with the insurance companies?
Aww, you probably believe in mandate fairies, filibuster proof unicorns and sane Republican politicians, too.
6. Aren’t progressives in Congress fighting for the public option?
Sure. But, as President Obama stated in his address to a joint session of Congress: “To my progressive friends, I say that reform is only 10 to 15 per cent of my agenda. And, it will not be necessary if I can find other ways to achieve my goals.”
7. Hmm…what goals would that be?
Mainly, to beat Leonard Nimoy at three dimensional chess.
8. What is an employer mandate?
Everybody who has employees shall be considered an employer.
9. I see. So, what is the individual mandate?
Every citizen of the United States shall be considered an individual.
10. Okay. Then, what is a romantic man date?
You’re not taking this seriously, are you?
11. Well…okay, employers and individuals will be mandated to buy insurance. But, if they couldn’t afford it before, how will they be able to afford it now?
See answer to question five.
12. I stopped believing in mandate fairies when I was six years old. I’m betting the money to cover the uninsured is going to come from the government. Wouldn’t this mean that mandates are just a massive gift to the insurance companies?
Oh, sure! Next you’ll be questioning death panels.
13. Death panels? What death panels?
See?!
14. What’s this about death panels?
There is a provision in some of the bills coming out of committee that allows people who seek end of life care to be reimbursed by the government. When you think about it, it’s quite the humane gesture. So, naturally, the Republicans are claiming that such consultations are death panels that will kill off the elderly in order to keep down medical costs.
15. What has the reaction to this misinformation been?
Health insurance executives whose job it is to deny coverage to people who get sick have offered to train the members of these non-existent government panels.
16. No, I meant what has the government reaction to this misinformation been?
Oh, that reaction. The Obama administration is like Jon Cryer in Pretty In Pink. They’ve had a crush on Molly Ringwald’s Republicans for, like, ever, but the Republicans are infatuated with Andrew McCarthy’s version of Ayn Rand Objectivism. The Democratic strategy for dealing with Republican obstructionism is to pout and pine.
17. Is this likely to get Republican support for health care reform?
Oh, absolutely. Various Republicans have said: “We understand the need for health care reform. We just feel we should slow the rate of change down. If it takes 20 or 30 years, well, then, it takes 20 or 30 years. The important thing is that all American pharmaceutical and insurance company bosses be satisfied with this reform.”
18. That doesn’t sound like support for change.
It’s the way they say it – like they’re giving orders to sled dogs – that conveys the depth of their concern.
19. These are people the Democrats think they can work with on health care reform?
Oddly enough. As one White House representative put it: “To our Republican critics, I would say that reform is not going to give us something like a British or Canadian health care. Those systems actually work. Our system will be needlessly complex and likely have enough loopholes to allow the insurance industry to keep making unconscionable profits off our citizens’ misery for decades to come.”
20. Americans are doomed, aren’t they?
Not necessarily. As insurance premiums skyrocket and more and more people are denied coverage, an ever dwindling number of Americans can afford health care. It’s only a matter of time before only one person can afford to be insured, and he will be paying trillions of dollars. One way or another, the United States is going to get a single payer system!