SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
1. The government of the United States of Vesampucceri plans on spending half a billion dollars to buy warehouses around the country. What does the government of the United States of Vesampucceri plan to do with all that storage space?
2. But tariffs aren’t paid by –
3. Erm. Okay. But seriously, why does the government want all that storage space?
4. So, the government is going to make low-rent housing available to Vesampuccerians?
5. What are you talking ab – oh! So, the government is buying warehouses to store immigrants before deporting them.
6. How many people can a warehouse house?
7. Which number is the government aiming for?
8. That’s horrible! Have we learned nothing from the internment of Japanese-Vesampuccerians during World War the Big One?
9. How’s that working out for the government?
10. Really?
11. How did the Grey House react?
12. So, it responded with its usual level of rational thought and grace?
13. Will this stop the policy of mass deportation?
14. Yes. No. What?
15. Are you talking about McDruhitmumpf or Siewnottmillertyme?
1. The government of the United States of Vesampucceri plans on spending half a billion dollars to buy warehouses around the country. What does the government of the United States of Vesampucceri plan to do with all that storage space?
It’s got to put the bazillions of dollars its collecting in tariffs from foreign countries somewhere.
2. But tariffs aren’t paid by –
Do you really want to go there? You’d be waking millions of people from a happy dream.
3. Erm. Okay. But seriously, why does the government want all that storage space?
Haven’t you heard? There’s a housing crisis in Vesampucceri.
4. So, the government is going to make low-rent housing available to Vesampuccerians?
Weeeellllllll, not Vesampuccerians so much as non-citizens who happen to be in the United States.
5. What are you talking ab – oh! So, the government is buying warehouses to store immigrants before deporting them.
DING DING DING DING DING – we have a winner. And hundreds of thousands of losers.
6. How many people can a warehouse house?
If a warehouse could house houses? No, wait, that didn’t scan. Never mind. Your average MultiMaxiMegaMart warehouse could hold 4,000 people comfortably, or 8,000 people in crowded, unsanitary and otherwise hellaciously unsafe conditions.
7. Which number is the government aiming for?
12,000. Presidential AdviserGhoul Stephen Siewnottmillertyme believes that the more people who die in ICES (Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service) custody, the faster the population of unwanted immigrants in the country will go down.
8. That’s horrible! Have we learned nothing from the internment of Japanese-Vesampuccerians during World War the Big One?
Indeed, we have. The government learned to move internees out of the country as fast as possible so that the public doesn’t catch up with what it’s doing.
9. How’s that working out for the government?
Not as well as it would like. It turns out Vesampuccerians don’t like the idea of buildings that used to store lawn furniture or computer peripherals or boxes of cereal so large a family of four could swim in them being converted into storage space for human beings.
10. Really?
Absolutely. Residents of Hanover, Virgilina, a state Ronald McDruhitmumpf won by 26 points in the 2024 election, appeared outside the warehouse carrying signs like, “Store plumbing supplies, not people!” and “Human dignity cannot be found on warehouse shelves.” Of course, they were wearing Make Vesampucceri Great Again hats, but even though the message was a little mixed, it was also quite clear: the people didn’t want the warehouse sold to ICES.
As a result, the utterly, thoroughly, fully, completely Reduhblican Hanover city council voted to block the sale of any warehouse in its jurisdiction to ICES. If a died in the wool, hell bent for leather, in the tank for the party Reduhblican city opposed the warehousing of immigrants, imagine how less McDruhitmumpf friendly jurisdictions have responded.
11. How did the Grey House react?
At 2:37 in the morning, President McDruhitmumpf tweeped that the Hanover city council was a bunch of woke leftie Commies who are defying the will of the people, and that those nasty, ugly, nogoodniks would face serious consequences for their actions. Oh, so serious consequences!
12. So, it responded with its usual level of rational thought and grace?
Pretty much. There are rumours that Stephen Siewnottmillertyme’s brain exploded, but since that happens on a regular basis, he has had a flap permanently installed in the top of it to give it an outlet to minimize anybody noticing during cabinet meetings.
13. Will this stop the policy of mass deportation?
Are gravitational waves impeded by matter as they travel through space at the speed of light?
14. Yes. No. What?
No. The correct answer is no. Obviously, somebody should have paid more attention in high school physics class! The plans may have to change – for instance, each warehouse that ICES is able to buy might have to hold 16,000 people. The arrests may even have to slow down for lack of a place for all the detainees to stay. But you know what they say: never underestimate a psychopath with a goal.
15. Are you talking about McDruhitmumpf or Siewnottmillertyme?
Either. Both. In fact, just about anybody in the McDruhitmumpf cabinet. You’d have to be to go along with such an inhumane scheme, wouldn’t you?