1) Have you no respect for the dead? How could you make fun of former President Ronald Reagan days after he passed away?
2) Seriously. How would you like it if people spoke ill of you after you died?
3) Will you devote a What the Heck Do You Know? to liberal bashing the way you devoted one to conservative bashing?
4) Where did you learn how to use rollovers?
5) I’m thinking of trying to burn and shade various parts of images I create with my digital camera on my computer because I’m not getting the intensity or colour saturation I want in my photos. Should I spring for Adobe Photoshop, or is there a cheaper alternative?
6) Now that you’re into graphics, will you be running pictures of cute little kitty cats?
7) Do you have access to stats that give you an idea of who your readers are?
8) You seem pretty sanguine for somebody who has so few readers.
9) Given your experience, have you ever considered turning your Web site into a porn shop?
10) But, you seem to have an aptitude for it.
11) Would you rather see your work in print or online?
12) Sure, but which would you prefer?
13) Are you ever tempted to repeat yourself?
14) No, but, seriously, you wrote columns 10 or 20 years ago that, with the change of a few names and dates, could be just as relevant today as they were when they were written. Aren’t you ever tempted to do that?
15) Could your answers be any less helpful?
1) Have you no respect for the dead? How could you make fun of former President Ronald Reagan days after he passed away?
Actually, I wrote about Reagan the day I found out he died, but I take your point.
2) Seriously. How would you like it if people spoke ill of you after you died?
I’m of two minds about that. On the one hand, as an atheist, I don’t think I’ll be in a position to be concerned if people speak ill of me after I’m gone. On the other hand, if I am in a position to be concerned if people speak ill of me after I’m gone, I’ll be so surprised that I am in that position that I won’t have the mental energy to be concerned. Either way, it doesn’t keep me up nights.
3) Will you devote a What the Heck Do You Know? to liberal bashing the way you devoted one to conservative bashing?
Doubt it. When I look at them with their big, puppy dog eyes, I realize that liberals are not only harmless, but actually ego-threateningly cloying. I’d be more than happy to take many of them to a vet to be put down, but I just don’t have the heart to do it myself.
4) Where did you learn how to use rollovers?
Are you kidding? I don’t roll over for anybody!
5) I’m thinking of trying to burn and shade various parts of images I create with my digital camera on my computer because I’m not getting the intensity or colour saturation I want in my photos. Should I spring for Adobe Photoshop, or is there a cheaper alternative?
Uh…sure.
6) Now that you’re into graphics, will you be running pictures of cute little kitty cats?
Absolutely. When President Bush grows a third eye.
7) Do you have access to stats that give you an idea of who your readers are?
As a matter of fact, I do. In July, I had about 2000 unique visitors, 82.5 per cent of whom stayed for less than thirty seconds. I was thrilled. In June, 88 per cent of my unique visitors stayed for less than 30 seconds – clearly, this is progress.
One of the most frequently used search phrases that got readers to my site was “sexy cartoon babes;” another was “vaginas.” Clearly, people who are looking for porn are drawn to two articles on my site: “Sexy Cartoon Babes Rule the Web” and “If We Took Vaginas Seriously.” This would explain why they stay for such a short time: when they realize they aren’t going to get explicit pictures of Betty Rubble’s private parts, they quickly move on.
So, the typical reader of Les Pages aux Folles would appear to be a horny adolescent with a short attention span who is way too easily confused.
8) You seem pretty sanguine for somebody who has so few readers.
Are you kidding? Before I put my writing on the Web, I counted my readership in negative numbers!
9) Given your experience, have you ever considered turning your Web site into a porn shop?
Sure. Who hasn’t? The problem is, I’m too lazy to hose down my computer screen every hour…or, for that matter, myself.
10) But, you seem to have an aptitude for it.
You’re such a charmer.
11) Would you rather see your work in print or online?
The problem with the digital storage of information is that some bits are necessarily lost in the smplng and cmprssn stages. While this isn’t obvious to the average reader, experienced readers will notice it and complain bitterly. (Experienced readers are a peevish lot.) Thus, while the medium doesn’t matter to most, those for whom it does matter would choose to read my work in print.
12) Sure, but which would you prefer?
I’m a dead trees kind of guy, myself.
13) Are you ever tempted to repeat yourself?
I’m a dead trees kind of guy, myself.
14) No, but, seriously, you wrote columns 10 or 20 years ago that, with the change of a few names and dates, could be just as relevant today as they were when they were written. Aren’t you ever tempted to do that?
I’m a bleeder.
15) Could your answers be any less helpful?
Yes.