1. This isn’t going to be about what it sounds like, is it?
2. I – never mind. What is this FUQ actually going to be about?
3. I think I’d rather the FUQ be about what I originally thought it would be about.
4. So, is Donald Trump finally going to get justice for attempting to overturn the 2020 election?
5. Oh. You mean, the case about Trump not returning classified documents to the government?
6. Keep up? Now who’s the perv? I withdraw the question! Isn’t bringing readers up to date what FUQs are supposed to do?
7. So, which of Trump’s trials is actually, you know, being tried?
8. Aww, seriously, the porn star payoff trial? Of all the illegal things he’s done, that’s the first trial Trump will have to face?
9. Like New York Attorney General quarters?
10. Porny Stormy, hunh? We can’t seem to get away from Trump’s junk, can we? There would have been no need to pay off a porn star if Trump had just kept it in his trunks, would there?
11. How has the trial gone so far?
12. Okay, so, now that you’ve got me all ferklempt, tell me: who was the first witness?
13. I’m sorry – who did you say was the first witness?
14. Could you speak up? I’m having trouble hearing your ans –
15. Oh. Umm…how many people’s junk are we going to have to see in this trial?
16. What? So…Trump is into necrophilia, now?
17. Are rumours that Trump fell asleep in the courtroom during the trial true?
18) And attacking the judge’s daughter was the best he could come up with?
19) Speaking of which, Judge Merchan has issued a gag order – I give up: even the judge is contributing to the sexual theme of this FUQ! – forbidding Trump from making disparaging remarks about jurors, witnesses and court staff. On a scale of one to ten, how’s that working out?
20) Judge Merchant can fine Trump for violating the gag order; in an extreme case, he could order Trump to spend a time out in prison. Why hasn’t he?
21) Talk around the water cooler is that Trump wants to go to jail. Why?
22) Another rumour has it that Trump is uncontrollably farting in the court, making things highly unpleasant for his attorneys. Is this true?
23) So much going on! How do you keep track of it all?
1. This isn’t going to be about what it sounds like, is it?
I don’t know: which do you think has a dirtier mind: you or reality?
2. I – never mind. What is this FUQ actually going to be about?
The start of the first criminal trial of a former president in the history of the United States.
3. I think I’d rather the FUQ be about what I originally thought it would be about.
You and me both, brother. You and me both.
4. So, is Donald Trump finally going to get justice for attempting to overturn the 2020 election?
Ah, no. You’re thinking of the case in Washington, DC. Judge Aileen Cannon has made sure that’s going nowhere. No, this FUQ is about the case that has gone to trial in New York.
5. Oh. You mean, the case about Trump not returning classified documents to the government?
Noooooooo, that case is being tried in Florida. Thanks to the Supreme Court sticking its nose into Trump’s business – by which I mean his legal team’s claims that he has immunity from prosecution for…well, anything he may have done, may be doing or may do in the future, for ever and always amen – perv! – that’s also going nowhere. I know with so many indictments, it can be hard to keep track, but please try to keep up!
6. Keep up? Now who’s the perv? I withdraw the question! Isn’t bringing readers up to date what FUQs are supposed to do?
Erm.
7. So, which of Trump’s trials is actually, you know, being tried?
The one in which he had Michael Cohen pay Stormy Daniels $130,000 to –
8. Aww, seriously, the porn star payoff trial? Of all the illegal things he’s done, that’s the first trial Trump will have to face?
Hey! It’s not just about a porn star! Trump paid for her silence because he thought the story of his sexual relationship with her coming out would kill his chance of winning the 2016 election. This trial is really about election interference. ALSO: he covered up the payment by claiming that, because it went through his lawyer, it was a “legal” expense, not a “getting it on during an election” expense. In some quarters, that’s considered fraud.
9. Like New York Attorney General quarters?
Good to see somebody is paying attention. Keep this up and you could write your own FUQs some day.
10. Porny Stormy, hunh? We can’t seem to get away from Trump’s junk, can we? There would have been no need to pay off a porn star if Trump had just kept it in his trunks, would there?
And then you spring a counterfactual on me…
11. How has the trial gone so far?
Judge Juan Merchan has been moving it along briskly. Jury selection was done in three days instead of the two weeks many commentators thought it would require. A last minute flurry of requests for more time from the defence were quickly dealt with. Then, the first witness took the stand. Umm…yeah. The first witness. Err…began testifying.
12. Okay, so, now that you’ve got me all ferklempt, tell me: who was the first witness?
David…uhh…Pecker.
13. I’m sorry – who did you say was the first witness?
David Pecker.
14. Could you speak up? I’m having trouble hearing your ans –
David Pecker! Happy, now? The first witness was David Pecker!
15. Oh. Umm…how many people’s junk are we going to have to see in this trial?
Pecker is the man’s name! He was the publisher of The National Inquirer! (takes a deep breath) In his testimony, he described Trump’s history of using his junk with women in a way that was not sanctioned by the church, and the publication’s history of catch-and-kill on his behalf.
16. What? So…Trump is into necrophilia, now?
What? No! I mean, I don’t know! And I don’t want to know! Catch-and-kill refers to the Inquirer’s practice of paying women for their stories, then not publishing them. Trump’s affair with Karen Macdougal was an example of this that came up in the trial. It shows a pattern of bad behaviour on Trump’s part, which make the charges against him credible.
17. Are rumours that Trump fell asleep in the courtroom during the trial true?
Absolutely not! He was…resting his eyes. Blocking out all extraneous stimuli – like David…You Know Who’s testimony. The former president was actually concentrating on composing posts about his day in court for Truth Antisocial.
18) And attacking the judge’s daughter was the best he could come up with?
Gives you a good idea why Truth Antisocial is tanking, doesn’t it?
19) Speaking of which, Judge Merchan has issued a gag order – I give up: even the judge is contributing to the sexual theme of this FUQ! – forbidding Trump from making disparaging remarks about jurors, witnesses and court staff. On a scale of one to ten, how’s that working out?
Bigly. Or tiny handsly. Depending on who you talk to.
20) Judge Merchant can fine Trump for violating the gag order; in an extreme case, he could order Trump to spend a time out in prison. Why hasn’t he?
He’s giving Trump enough rope to hang former Vice President Mike Pence.
21) Talk around the water cooler is that Trump wants to go to jail. Why?
Every hour he spends in jail is equal to $500,000 towards his legal fe – I mean, his presidential campaign war chest.
22) Another rumour has it that Trump is uncontrollably farting in the court, making things highly unpleasant for his attorneys. Is this true?
Absolutely absolutely not! Trump’s body has rejected his cologne, that’s all. Violently and with a great sense of moral outrage. As for any unpleasantness his lawyers may be experiencing, it must be from holding their noses as they defend the indefensible.
23) So much going on! How do you keep track of it all?
Are you kidding? The trial only started two days ago! Give it a couple of months and then ask me that question!