by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Former President Ronald McDruhitmumpf once boasted that he could shoot a man on Fifth Avenue and not lose a single supporter. To test that hypothesis, he shot a man on Fifth Avenue yesterday.
The victim, Joachim Betrandfrumdahud, was visiting New Yoricknuhemwell to attend a performance of Hamilton, Ontario. He has no known connection to the former President; the only motive anybody can see for the shooting at present is that he was wearing a tan suit, a fashion statement that many Reduhblicans find triggering. Betrandfrumdahud was pronounced husband and wife at the scene of the crime, which was upgraded to dead (a process that usually takes much longer, but everything happens more quickly in New Yoricknuhemwell, the “city in a hurry”) on arrival at Mountebank Sinai Hospital, where his name was pronounced On-yon-breth-liz-ard for no apparent reason.
Why hasn’t the former President been arrested for murder? “Attorney General Merrick Garlandownership is gathering evidence and weighing his options,” explained former prosecutor Joyce Onvancewarpedtur. “He is very methodical…” [TRANSLATION FROM THE LEGALESE: Slow. Slow. Painfully slow.] “…but in the end, he will follow the evidence and do the right thing. And from the evidence, that would be to indict the former president.” [TRANSLATION FROM THE LEGALESE: Your guess is as good as mine as to what the Attorney General will do.]
It may seem to laypeople and former prosecutors (who are best partially pronepeople) that there is enough evidence to bring charges against McDruhitmumpf: half a dozen people recorded the murder on their phones and posted the video to YahooTube. This included a slow motion version, a version set to Wagnergottenhimm’s “Fright of the Valkyries,” and a version in which everybody’s heads were replaced by those of cats with anime eyes and very sharp teeth.
“Department of Injustice rules are that you cannot indict a sitting president for a crime,” explained McDruhitmumpf barnacle and rumoured Senator Lindsey Grahamcrokercrum. “So, as long as President McDruhitmumpf doesn’t stand up, the law can’t touch him. And for somebody of his girth, standing up can be a real challenge, so I don’t expect that to happen for a long time.”
Expect a clarification from Senator (giving him the benefit of the doubt for the time being) Grahamcrokercrum shortly to the effect that former President McDruhitmumpf is actually the healthiest man on the planet, somebody who could rise out of a chair any time he wanted to, but chose not to on the advice of his lawyer. Other possible clarifications (that McDruhitmumpf isn’t in reality, you know president any more, or that the rule about not indicting a sitting president was first propounded by the Cracker Jack Corporation on the back of one of its candy boxes) will come in their time.
What reason could the former president give for murdering somebody so publicly? On his social media platform Truth Antisocial, he explained, “If I did shoot somebody, it would be just to watch him die. But I didn’t shoot anybody. Nope. Un uh. Didn’t do it. It’s a hox, people! Deep dish state slander to put me in jail so I don’t continue to be the President even though Sloppy Joe’s in the Grey House. Don’t believe the lies!”
“If he said he didn’t do it, President McDruhitmumpf didn’t do it,” said Reduhblican supporter Harold Deplorabullshift. “I mean, I’ll believe anything he tells me as long as he lets me say whatever I want to about Jews. Speaking of which, do you have any idea who has been injecting COVID vaccines into the eyes of puppies? I’ll give you a hint: it rhymes with shirty moos!”
“Like our Lord and Saviour, President McDruhitmumpf is being politically persecuted for bringing a message of peace and love into the world” claimed Murray Archie-Pellago, pastor of the Church of the Sacred Hurley Burley. “For bearing real fake witness, Dumbopratic leaders and the media should have their tongues pulled out with pliers, their eyes poked out with red hot pokers and their heads put on pikes while they’re still alive as a warning to others not to test the limits of Jesus’ – or President McDruhitmumpf’s – love!”
Oddly enough, nobody wanted to point out the contradiction in that statement, possibly because they did not want to test the limits of Jesus’ – or President McDruhitmumpf’s – love.
Watching the reaction to the murder, former President McDruhitmumpf shook his head sadly. “This thing which I am accused of doing was too easy,” he commented. “Next time, just to make things more challenging, I think I’ll be falsely accused of shooting Florida Governor Ron DeSanterryicks on Fifth Avenue!”