by CORIANDER NEUMANEIMANAYMANEEMAMANN, Alternate Reality News Service Urban Issues Writer
What would you do if a velociraptor appeared out of the mists of time and wanted to date your sister? Should left-handed Vegan waitstaff who secretly enjoy smearing each other’s bodies with Reddi Whip while watching George Formby movies on high def screens be allowed to have children? Why is the sky blue?
Good questions, all, but they have nothing to do with this article, which is actually about a minor squabble at Toronto’s City Hall.
Fast food chain Cholesterol Cranny has asked the city for permission to build a fly-through window for a restaurant 300 feet above the corner of Sheppard and Yonge.
“Your average witch on the go doesn’t have time for a full breakfast,” Cholesterol Cranny, Canada President Anatoly Bumpkin told City Councilors yesterday. “But, how can we expect witches to be able to put fully powerful hexes on people if they don’t? The key to a productive day is, after all, a good breakfast. Putting a fly-through window at the location we have requested would allow witches to fortify themselves for a long day of spell-casting on their commute into the downtown core.”
The request has met with stiff opposition, especially from the North York Homeowners’ and Amateur Opera Association. “Wherever fly-through restaurant windows have been allowed,” said Association Acting and Singing Recording Secretary Marcos Vendetta, “garbage literally rains from the skies. Do you have any idea what kind of damage a supersized Cranberry Cola cup can do to a six year-old child when it is dropped from 300 feet?”
Vendetta added that wrappers from the chain’s lizard burgers were a health hazard to older people. “Suppose one drops out of the sky and covers an elderly person’s eyes, obscuring their vision” Vendetta supposed away. “They would not know where they were going – they could end up plunk-plunk-plunking their walkers into oncoming traffic!”
Izvestia Mugwump, a Crone level witch, rolled her eyes and scoffed, “Has that ever actually happened? Ever?”
In fact, Mugwump argued, most witches, coming, as they do from a pagan background, would never despoil the environment by…littering. In any case, most broomsticks now come direct from the factory equipped with cupholders and trays to ensure minimal spillage in flight.
Mugwump claimed that Vendetta’s opposition to the fly-through window at the restaurant was “a pure case of an unreasonable NIMBYASS response to change.” NIMBYASS is, of course, an acronym for Not in My Back Yard’s Air Space, Sir; it refers to people who oppose any change to the use of the air above their neighbourhoods, no matter how beneficial it might be economically, socially or otherwiseally.
“I am not a NIMBYASS!” Vendetta objected. “I’ll have you know that I work out at the gym three days a week, and my glutes are as flat and strong as anybody’s!”
After a couple of moments of looking at himself in a full-length mirror, Vendetta, much calmer, added: “In any case, we shouldn’t be encouraging witches to eat fast food. Can you imagine what would happen if they got too fat? Their brooms wouldn’t be able to carry them – they could drop through people’s roofs like turkeys dropped out of the side of a helicopter! How could we expect children to learn anything at school after such a traumatizing experience!”
“That…that…that’s pure anti-witch propaganda that is!” Mugwump sputtered. “Our safety record speaks for itself – you don’t hear about massive recalls of broomsticks, now, do you?”
Mugwump pointed out that witches’ flying licences are renewed on an annual basis, and that they may be denied if the licencee exceeds the maximum weight allowed by Transportation Canada for the make and model of broomstick, “and why am I even dignifying that horrid little troll’s attacks with a response?”
Bumpkin, sensing that the debate was getting away from him, pointed out that witches were not the only customers who would be well served by a fly-through window: ghosts and people who commute to work on dragons would also benefit. “And, let us not forget superheroes,” he added. “Really, anybody who commutes to work through the skies should welcome our effort!”
We wanted to get Vendetta’s reaction to this statement, but when we turned back towards him, a warty toad had taken his place.