“A Prime Minister can be either successful or popular..”
“What if he’s neither?”
“Hey! If I had wanted criticism, I could have stayed at home!”
“Sorry.”
The Talk Show Host nervously gulped his coffee and delicately placed the “CNN Rules!” mug back on the table. After employing his industrial-strength glare for a couple of seconds, the Prime Minister morphed his expression into one of benign indifference.”Have I shown you the t-shirt?” he asked, smiling blindingly.
“Not yet…”
The Prime Minister held up a black on salmon t-shirt with “Farewell Tour ’93” printed in bold letters. Underneath it were the various venues — Larry King Live, Nightline and the like — he would be appearing in and the dates. The “Houston — George Bush” date had been crossed out with a thick line.
“I’d like you to have this one,” the Prime Minister said, gracelessly handing the shirt across the table.
“I’m honoured. Thank you,” the Talk Show Host responded, gracelessly dropping the shirt under the table. “I couldn’t help but notice that there were no Canadian dates on your Farewell Tour. Why is that?”
“I couldn’t help but notice that you gave me no attention while I was in office, but have been falling all over yourself to get me on your show now that I’m retiring,” the Prime Minister growled. “Now, why is that?”
The Talk Show Host took a deep breath. “Okay…why don’t we go to the phones. Our first caller is from Sandusky, Ohio. Are you there, Sandusky?”
“Hello?”
“You’re on the air.”
“Yeah? That’s great. You know, I’m a big hard rock fan, so it’s a real pleasure for me to talk to you. I heard your album and –“
“Excuse me…”
“I can’t wait to see you play before the big barbecue and tractor pull down there on Route Sixty –“
“Excuse me, Sandusky, but who do you think you’re talking to?”
“What? I’m talking to the band Mudhoney — who else?”
“Actually, you’re talking to the Prime Minister of Cana — hello, Sandusky? Hello? Okay…our next call is from Kitchener, Massachusets. Come in, Kitchener.”
“Yeah, hi. Listen, this Farewell Tour is costing Canadian taxpayers over a million bucks. Considering the Prime Minister will only be in office for a few more weeks, he isn’t really in a position to negotiate policies with other heads of state. Isn’t this just an expensive way of visiting a few old friends one last time and dropping off a few resumes? And how can the Prime Minister justify such extravagance when he and his government have been preaching restraint?”
“I thought you weren’t going to take any calls from Canadians.”
“Excuse me, caller, but are you, in fact, a Canadian?”
“What? Uhh…no. I’m not. Mom’s apple pie…seperation of church and state…right to bear arms and…all that…”
“Quick — who is the Premier of Ontario?”
“Uhh…Ontario? Uhh…what’s that?”
“Who is Peter Mansbridge?”
“Uhh…some kind of Canadian celebrity or something?”
“Who’s the best team in the NHL?”
“The Toronto Maple Leafs!”
“You are a Canadian!”
“Damn!”
“Thank you very much, caller. I’m sorry, Mister Prime Minister; our telephone screening staff are all interns…”
“Don’t mention it.”
“Okay. Mister Prime Minister, you leave office with the lowest polls in the history of Canadian polling. How do you explain this?”
“It’s all Pierre Trudeau’s fault.”
“The former Prime Minister? How can he be to blame?”
“Towards the end of his term, he was so unpopular that people just got used to not liking the Prime Minister. No doubt about it — Trudeau has spoiled it for the rest of us!”
“But wouldn’t your policies –“
“Trudeau — he’s behind everything that’s wrong with the country. Huge government deficits? They’re Trudeau’s fault! Lakefront beaches too polluted to swim in? Blame Trudeau! Cholera breaking out in civilized nations where it hasn’t been seen in decades? I’m telling you, it’s all on accunt of Trudeau!”
“Okay, we’ll take a break, here. When we come back, hopefully we’ll also be back to reality…”