by ELMORE TERADONOVICH, Alternate Reality News Service Film and Television Writer
In a video that is becoming popular on YahooTube, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy pledged to shave his head and polish the devil’s hooves and horns (not to be confused with Hooves and Horns, a pet store in Kharkiv, or the Hoof and Horn, a pub with a – ahem – select clientele in Clapham) if it would bring the Russian invasion of his country to an end. Then, Zelenskyy danced the Funky Chicken on the Ukrainian flag.
“You’d have to be a complete idiot to believe that really happened,” commented political commentator Jennifer Juniper. Politically. “Zelenskyy is actually a really good dancer!”
“Is Ukrainian Nazi leader Vladimir Zelensky [sic] a Satanist?” asked Fox News anchorman [sick] Tucker Carlson. “Notice, I’m very careful not to actually make a statement, here – I’m just asking a question. That’s me being clever.”
“I rest my case,” Juniper responded. Then went for a little lie down.
Digital video editing directed by artificial intelligence is now so seamless (in the sense that there are no longer any seems, everything is completely realistic) that it can be used to make world leaders look like they are saying or doing things that they wouldn’t ordinarily do. Such videos are known as “deepfakes” (not to be confused with the 1973 porn film of the same name or the 2010-2008 reality TV series about cosmetic spleen surgery).
Given how different the image of politicians in deep fakes can be from who they actually are, why would anybody believe them? “Deepfake videos can – SNORK! – sway undecideds…” Juniper could be heard saying from her bedroom. “They – zzzzzzzzzz CHACK CHACK – pollute the infosphere and give political opponents material to attack politicians wi – PUT DOWN THAT CHAINSAW AND CLEAN UP YOUR MESS RIGHT NOW, YOUNG MAN, OR YOU’LL BE SENT TO BED WITHOUT YOUR STUPOR!”
“Ukrainians are fools to trust anything their President has to say,” Russia This Second correspondent Yevgeni Russofilovich had to say. “Somebody who dances the funky chicken on a symbol of your country is mocking you. Waltzing on a nation’s flag is a sign of respect. Tap dancing on a nation’s flag is a sign of modernism. But the funky chicken? Wake up, Ukrainians! Zelenskyy is thumbing his feet at you!”
“Case in…mmmmmm, ooooooh, Volodymyr, don’t stop!…point,” Juniper stated, then let her hand with the extended finger drop gently to the side of her bed. She makes more sense asleep than most of our correspondents do after their morning coffee!
The deepfake video first appeared on the Girls With Eyepatches web site, where it merited few views. It was reposted to the Cooking With Oregano site, where it garnered even fewer views. It was then posted to Truth Social, the social media site started by Donald Trump, which guaranteed that nobody would see it. Finally, with a sigh, Carlson posted it on his Twitherd feed, where the video views went through the roof.
The video is believed to have been created by the Internet Research Agency (no relation), a Russian troll farm. No, that is not a farm where trolls are raised for food – they are tough, and gamy, and cause most humans who eat them to break out in a rash of burglaries. Neither is it a farm where trolls are raised to become non-player characters in fantasy role-playing games (everybody knows they’re raised by wolves). A troll farm is a place where people are paid to say nasty things about others on social media (people who say nasty things about others on social media out of anger are free range trolls).
The Ukrainian government, having lived with its Russian neighbours long enough to know how they love to trash a place, knew that the cyberattack was coming and, pre-bunked it. Which is to say, they set up its sleeping area on the camp grounds before it arrived to level them with missiles. …Buuuuut also, the Ukrainian government sent messages to social media warning the population of “The 17 Signs That the Video You’re Watching Is Fake.” These include:
3. Politicians are not quick change artists. If they go from a tuxedo to an open-necked Hawaiian shirt in the blink of an eye, the video you are watching has been manipulated. Especially if they’re not Hawaiian.
7. Nobody dances the funky chicken any more. Not even Florida retirees, and they practically invented it! Nobody. If a public official is caught on video dancing the funky chicken, the video is fake.
15. Politicians don’t hate their own countries. If a politician claims to hate the country they lead, don’t trust the video. Unless it’s Donald Trump.
“Zzzzzzzzzz,” commented Juniper. “Flush the fen, Volodymyr! Flush the fen!“
Sleep commentating is, at best, an uncertain practice, but I was afraid of what might happen if I woke her, so let’s leave it at that.