by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
When, in your mind’s eye, you try to imagine a “victim,” you probably don’t see Aragula of Narnth. Seven and a half feet tall, with muscles that would be compared to steel if the world in which she lived actually contained that substance, Aragula of Narnth is an imposing figure even before you factor in the glowing black eyes and necklace made entirely out of the skulls of vanquished Porcine Pacifisti.
“I’ve lost everything!” Aragula of Narnth sobbed into a hankie, blowing her nose extravagantly. It was almost as frightening as her battle cry.
Aragula of Narnth, a dwarf giant in the online game World of Wowcraft, was passing through the hamlet (literally: little pig) of Derry on her way to Triviandel, the main city in the World of Wowcraft Yuck King expansion. In Derry, she met a moleskin troll named Ralph (pronounced Angelo) Persnickety.
Persnickety told her of a magical way he had of turning wealth into even more wealth. He called it a Vative. Give him your weapons, gold, silver or whatever you happened to have lying around the hut, and, within several turns of the moon, he would transmute it into 10…20 times what you had given him.
At first, he seemed reluctant to say much more. However, when Aragula of Narnth appeared ready to leave his table at the back of the Toad and Warthog, Persnickety eagerly hesitated to explain that the people of Triviandel often had to borrow money in order to pay for major raids and other expeditions. He bought this debt and divided it into Vatives which were soaked in a magical potion – sorry, trade secret, mustn’t tell – in a cauldron over which special incantations – really, it’d be more than my membership in the Wizard’s Guild and Tolkien Appreciation Society is worth to spill the secrets – were uttered. Add a pinch of salt and, voila: riches beyond a dwarf giant’s imaginings!
As long as the raids were successful, the Vative debts were paid back with interest. Everybody wins. And, in the booming economy of the Yuck King, successful raids were as likely as an elf’s haughtiness or the viciousness of a Blood D’Oner.
Tired from a long day’s slaughtering, Aragula of Narnth was about to leave for a second time when Persnickety said the magic words: “Gygax Grindlewort was one of my first customers. Ask him if you like. He will tell you that my magic works.”
The Great Wizard Gygax Grindlewort, known as Greyfoot for reasons both arcane and disgusting, had put his wealth into these – what did you call them? – Vatives? If such an exalted person gave Ralph Persnickety…anything, there must be something to what he was selling. Aragula of Narnth gave Persnickety all of her armour and most of her weapons to invest in his Vatives. In fact, he was so weighted down by them that he could barely stagger out of the Toad and Warthog.
That was the last she ever saw of them.
In retrospect, what happened was obvious: Persnickety paid off early investors like Gygax Grindlewort with gold and diamonds that he received from later investors, always keeping a goodly portion of wealth for himself. Investigators from Sheriff Knochbwelini the Redolent’s office have dubbed this con a Persnickety Scheme.
Aragula of Narnth was not, however, the only victim. Over a number of years, thousands of citizens were swindled out of their riches. So many, in fact, that the economy of Triviandel was brought to the verge of collapse.
We tried to contact Gygax Grindlewort, but he was on the mission “The Crying Scythe of Scrying,” and nobody knew when he would return. Ralph Persnickety, on the other hand, was willing to be interviewed in Casa D’Or (literally: House of Other), his heavily guarded fortress.
“They’re threatening to close my account and kick me off the server!” Persnickety complained as he popped a chocolate covered salt mine snail in his mouth. “This world is full of thieves and scoundrels, innit? Why single me out?”
“I have lost gold in a fair fight with marauding bandits. I wear the scars proudly,” Aragula of Narnth sighed brutally. “But, this…”
When asked if he believed he had acted outside the spirit of World of Wowcraft, Persnickety explained, instead, how he had come to call the objects he sold to the unwary Vatives: “Well, that was me mum’s name, innit?” This should have been a tip-off right away, since a quick glance at his character’s stats and history revealed that his mother’s name was actually Matilda Persnickety (nee: Ratweiler).
Some World of Wowcraft scholars think Vative may have been a corruption of the term “votive.” However, by the time they were actually starting to ponder such things, language was the least of their corruption worries.
Bron Pardon, chief designer of Earthquake Studios, creators of World of Wowcraft, refused to comment on the situation, explaining that “it would break the illusion of the self-contained game world if its creators talked openly about it.” When I pointed out that giving me no comment was itself a comment, Pardon asked, “Oh, you’re not going to publish that, are you?” When I said there was a very good chance that I would, he sighed, and said, “You’re a fourth wall killer, you know that? I’ll bet you shout ‘Don’t go down to the cellar!’ in movie theatres, too!”
To date, the designers at Earthquake Studios have preferred to let players solve problems they create on their own. “Course, you’ve pretty much buggered that, now,” Pardon muttered.
So, how does Pardon intend to put things right? “Well, I…I’ll create a wizard,” he replied, “who will…create…no, conjure – that’s it – he’ll conjure up enough gold to…to compensate everybody who has been…has been…you know…”
Will players have to fill out forms to get compensation?
“No, they won’t have to fill out forms!” Pardon howled. “This isn’t The Simps, for heaven’s sake!”
Pardon grumbled that the details would have to be worked out, but he was certain of one thing: “We will never allow anybody to sell Derry Vatives again!”