“Won’t you please come out to fight?”
“No.”
“But, we really need you. This could be your finest hour.”
“So you keep saying. All I know is, it’s cold out there, and there are lots of clouds in the sky. I feel all snuggly and warm in here, and I’m not coming out!”
General Delbert Ivory turned away from the silo that housed one of the air defense antitank system (ADATS) missiles, angry. Canadian forces in West Germany had been put on alert, and General Ivory wanted to be sure his hardware would be ready if called upon to protect democracy.
So far, his hardware had been singularly uncooperative.
“Dammit!” General Ivory shouted, confronting the missile. “The Canadian government paid a billion dollars for this defense system! You can’t embarrass us now! You’ve got work to do!”
“Well,” the missile haughtily replied, “if you were really worried about your investment, you should have included $9.95 for a pair of mittens or a blanket!”
“You were supposed to work under all conditions. Why is it that now, all of a sudden, bad weather makes you give up?”
“Look, Del, I’ll admit that I’m not perfect. No defense system is. But, you wanna talk embarrassment? Let’s talk about Saudi Arabia…”
“Saudi Arabia?”
“Do you know how embarrassed I was when I failed that test run? All the scientists were there, smug behind their clipboards and white suits, unaware and unconcerned. All the important military brass was there or expecting a report of what happened. I wanted to hit that drone plane in the sky for them, really, I did! But, the sand got in my engine, and the heat played havoc with my guidance system, and…and I thudded harmlessly into a Bedouin tent. What happened to me in Saudi Arabia shouldn’t happen to a Russian tank!”
“Okay, it’s not easy being a multi-purpose, ground-to-ground, ground-to-air, multiple warhead missile -“
“You said it.”
“But, nobody said it was going to be easy. Is that any reason to give up?”
“After the humiliating experience in Saudi Arabia, I vowed never to fight in less than perfect weather again.”
“I gave you a direct order, soldier!”
“Aww, tell it to the Marines!”
General Ivory clenched his fist in futile anger. “How could we have spent so much money on a…a prima donna system we can’t rely on?”
“Funny country you got, here, General.”
General Ivory glared at the inert missile for a moment, then turned to a soldier to his left. “Corporal?” he decisively asked.
“Sir?”
“Have the Blowpipes been dismantled yet?”
“No, sir.”
“Get them operational, Corporal. As quickly as possible.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Blowpipes?” the ADATS missile squeaked.
General Ivory faced it once again. “That’s right,” he stated.
“The missile I was supposed to replace?”
“You got it. Ironic, don’t you think? We spend so much money building a modern weapon system, then we have to keep the system it was supposed to replace active in the likely event that we need it as a back-up. I always warned the Prime Minister that new technology couldn’t be trusted…”
“It’s…it’s a waste of taxpayers’ money!”
“I don’t know about that. All I’m concerned with is protecting the area to which I’ve been assigned.”
Pause.
Meekly, the ADATS missile said, “You know, it isn’t that cold out.”
“I’m not a weatherman,” General Ivory responded.
“I think the clouds are clearing, actually. Don’t the clouds look like they’re clearing to you?”
“I haven’t checked. What’s your point?”
“Well, you know, when you think about it…what’s a little rain in your radar when the security of the free world is at stake? I think…I think I’d like to go out there and give it another try…”
“Now, that’s the kind of enthusiasm I like to hear.”
“Of course, I can’t guarantee I’ll end up exactly where you want me to go…”
“I know. That’s why I intend keeping the Blowpipe missiles ready – just in case…”
Further pause.
“General, can I ask just one favour of you?”
“What?”
“Can you aim me in the direction of the prevailing wind?”