1. Get a newspaper. (Rush hour subways are highly recommended.) Cut out individual words from headlines on each page of the newspaper. Put the scraps of paper in a hat. Choose words at random and paste them onto a piece of paper in the order you choose them. Throw the piece of paper away – the results will be pure rubbish.
2. Using the “people, places, props” method of brainstorming (see Chapter Three), make a list of 732 items which would be of interest to chiropractors south of the Mason-Dixon line. Using the “poopdeck, poopiehead, pooprietary” method of connectivity (see Chapter Five), take the list of 732 items and apply them to a wall badly in need of a coat of paint.
3. Let’s be careful out there.
4. Define love. Include the following terms: the moon in June; irregular heart palpitations; smiles when you meet; emotional connectivity. Now, apply in the real world.
5. Turn down the lights. Put on soft music. Sit in a comfortable chair. Imagine that you are a cloud drifting through an endless sky. Seconds later, turn up the lights. Turn off the music. Turn on Celebrity Mud Wrestling on PBS.
6. After several years of negotiation with your enemy, complete a peace treaty. Allow fanatics from your country to kill citizens of the enemy’s country. Watch in horror as fanatics from your enemy’s country kill some of your citizens. Both sides will tear up the peace treaty as the violence escalates. A few years and thousands of deaths later, sit down with your enemy to start negotiating a peace treaty. Repeat until there’s nobody left.
7. Place tab A into Slot a. Fold along dotted line. Place tab B into slot C. Cut off tab C along dotted line (it was a mistake in design). Fold along dotted line. Fold along dotted line. Fold along dotted line. Cut a straight line between the two solid lines from point D to point Alexandria. Always remain on the left of the solid yellow line. Lick tab E (it isn’t illegal and, in any case, how can something that feels so right be so wrong?). Glue tab C to slot B (oops, sorry, you needed that piece after all). If you do not end up with a miniature Taj Mahal, flatten the paper and start all over again.
8. Take 1 (one) black hole. Shake vigorously. Fifteen billion years later, search the cosmos for signs of intelligent life.
9. Explain to an American that Canada is a separate country. Explain to a neo-Conservative that private funding through the free market doesn’t solve all problems. Explain to your mother that those noises she heard last night really aren’t what she thought they were. Stop, because stopping feels so good…
10. Vote to change the world. Four years later, vote to change the world back.
11. Five sit-ups. Fifty french fries. One minute on a stationary bicycle. One Bic Mac. Repeat until obesity makes you keel over.
12. Paint a bowl of fruit using only the colour taupe, a rubber band as a brush and the back of your hand as a canvas. Try to explain to your friends that it’s art.
13. Carve a nude sculpture of Conrad Black out of feta cheese. Try to convince yourself that it’s art.
14. Appear at an institution first thing in morning and get in a line. Move to the back of the line that appears to be moving the fastest. Repeat until the institution closes. Repeat until you are either bankrupt, too old to drive or dead.
15. Put your hands on your hips. Put your left leg over your right shoulder. Stick your tongue out as far as it will go. Hop up and down on your right foot until you fall over. Repeat until it’s time to get a chili burger and fries.
16. Sit opposite your partner. Pretend that you are your partner while your partner pretends that he or she is you. Caricature your partner’s concerns. Parody your partner’s mannerisms and speech patterns. Become outraged when your partner parodies your mannerisms and caricatures your concerns. Throw the nearest ashtray, lamp or other small object at your partner. Listen in disbelief as the therapist tells you that, as a couple, you seem to be making great progress. Repeat until either one of you has murdered the therapist or the divorce papers are finalized.