“Should electro-pop trio Black Box Recorder change their name to something less controversial, like White Hot Death?”
“Will Bringing Down the House bring down Queen Latifah’s career?”
“And, our advice to a character who shall remain nameless on the television series 24: nothing kills a budding inter-office romance faster than lying to your new boss about helping a rogue agent take a material witness from headquarters to prove that evidence – which experts have verified – is false.”
“All this and much more on a whacked Wednesday edition of Entertainment Right Now! CUE THEME MUSIC. FADE UP STUDIO LIGHTS. FADE OUT THEME MUSIC.
“Hello. I’m Brad Dexter…”
“And I’m Monika Wayne-Shusterin. Well, it’s the marriage of the moment: film hunk Russell Crowe and otherwise non-entity Danielle Spencer. To find out more about it, we go live to Coffs Harbour, Australia, where Entertainment Right Now correspondent Greta Nonettable is embedded in the company catering the wedding. Greta?”
“Brad, all’s quiet in the kitchen at this moment. The appetizers have been circulated, and guests aren’t expected to sit down to eat for another hour at least. Despite the quiet, there is an undercurrent of expectation, a growing…a growing electric buzz. Chef Marcel of Perth has assembled a crack team of sous chefs, and they’re pretty eager to start seeing some action.”
“That will come, Greta. That will come. We’ve heard rumours over here that the mother of all wedding cakes will be deployed at the wedding. Have you heard anything about this?”
“There are conflicting reports, Brad. Some guests claim the cake will have at least eight tiers, but…but others insist it will have a modest four tiers, five at the most, and be augmented by clustered cheeses, tarts and assorted pastries. Chef Marcel of Perth is playing this one pretty close to the vest, so I don’t expect anybody will really know for sure until after the dessert has been deployed.”
“Thanks, Greta. We’ll have more from the front lines of the Crowe wedding later in the show.”
“Embedded reporters are expensive as hell, so we have to make the most of them, Monika.”
“You got that right, Brad.”
“A billboard for the film What a Girl Wants has changed. Star Amanda Bynes’ hand originally made a “V,” traditionally considered a gesture of peace. Studio executives with big foreheads decided that this might antagonize pro-war activists, so the new poster shows her arm down, her hand disappearing into the title of the film. Hmm…the studio foreheads obviously aren’t worried about offending anti-war activists who might see Bynes’ arm as a representation of those who have lost limbs because of the American bombing.”
“You can’t please everybody.”
“Speaking of which, dozens of fans walked out of a recent Pearl Jam concert after the band played an anti-war song called “Bushleaguer.” After the concert, frontman Eddie Vedder commented, ‘Man, we’ve been Dixie Chicked!’ You never think it will happen to you, do you?”
“At the rate they’re developing, pro-war boycotts may soon surpass Internet file-sharing as the biggest threat to the music industry, Monika.”
“Not the lame-ass music the major labels are promoting, or the outrageously jacked up prices of CDs, Brad?”
“You would think they would be factors, but, according to the recording industry, they’re not.”
“Well, they would know…”
“A theatre in London, England is staging an adults-only production of Shakespeare’s Macbeth. The producers say that this is necessary because the production is full of sex and violence. Somebody should tell them that the porn industry has beaten them to it, with such Shakespearean adaptations as All’s Well That Gets It In the End and, of course, MacButtman.”
“Sounds like a theme developing there, Brad.”
“It’s not an approach they take in high school, that’s for sure, Monika.”
“Probably just as well. And, on a sad note, Michael Jeter died yester –”
“The Yankee all-star?”
“No, actually, the –”
“Man, can you imagine the hole that leaves in the Yankee lineup?”
“No, listen –”
“Shit! It’s too late for me to change the office pool!”
“Not Derek Jeter! Michael Jeter! Michael! The veteran character actor who played The Other Mister Noodle on Sesame Street! Jesus, were you ever a kid before you became an adolescent?”
“Oh. So, you’re saying being the Other Mister Noodle makes him more important than Derek Jeter?”
“No, I’m saying he di –” CUE EXTRO MUSIC. “Sigh. If we have time later in the show, I’ll be able to tell you more about the wonderful career of Michael Jeter. Stay with us.” BLUR FOCUS AND SUPER TITLE:
Six Hollywood Street names not yet used for a movie title:
1) Hollywood Boulevard
2) La Brea Avenue
3) Franklin Avenue
4) Cahuenga Boulevard West
5) Via Floresta
6) Third Street
FADE OUT LIGHTS. “Moron.” CUT TO COMMERCIAL.