“The ‘Shroud of Vanna’ – artifact of a real media superstar or major rip-off? Thousands are paying 25 cents just to touch it and see…”
“Hollywood celebrates the hundredth anniversary of its creation – funny, but it doesn’t look a day over 90…”
“Michael Jackson confirms rumours that he wants to buy the skeletal remains of John Merrick, the so-called Elephant Man, because he has run out of pop stars to sing duets with…”
“Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the theatre, Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon go Back to the Beach…”
“All this and Mary Jane Watson’s tips on how to deal with uninvited supervillains at your wedding on this highly upwardly mobile edition of Entertainment Right Now!”
“Hello. I’m Lisa Gibbous…”
“And, I’m Robb Unweller. Renowned Hollywood accountant Martin “Fast Martie” Brillman became the 1987th celebrity to get a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame. Brillman pioneered the use of syndication in the 1960s and the diversification into real estate in the 1980s. When asked how he felt about the honour, Brillman commented, ‘This is the nicest $1,000 tax write-off I’ve ver had!'”
“It’s nice to see talented people get recognized, isn’t it?”
“It certainly is.”
“The Walt Disney Company has introduced its own one and five dollar bills, which will be accepted in exchange for goods and services at its Disneyland theme park in Anaheim, California. The bills, signed by Scrooge McDuck and with pictures of Mickey Mouse and Goofy, were to be accepted at par; however, soon after their introduction, the American dollar dropped to 70 cents Disney.
“Disney’s Ambassador to the United States, Prince Charming, was unavailable for comment.”
“Canadian legislation that would have restricted American film studios to distribute only movies to which they owned the world rights, which would benefit Canadian distributors mightily and might free up more money for Canadian film production, seems to have hit the floor of that big cutting room in the sky. When asked just who the heck was in charge of Canadian film policy, Communications Minister Flora MacDonald replied, ‘Gee, I’m not sure. I better ask Jack,’ referring to Motion Picture Association of America President Jack Valenti. ‘He was nice enough to let us formulate our own copyright laws,’ MacDonald added.
“Well, I’m certainly glad that silliness is over. Who knows where it might have ended?”
“That’s right. Who do they think they are – a separate country, or something?”
“Ha ha. In our Watergate Update, former aide to President Richard Nixon, John Erlichman, has been fired as a spokesman for Dreyer’s Grand Delight Ice Cream. Although the official reason is ‘artistic differences,’ Entertainment Right Now has learned that representatives of the ad agency Hal Riney and Partners started getting antsy after they found the electronic listening devices in their boardroom. Robb…”
“Thanks, Lisa. Former President Nixon has been keeping busy trying to block the release of five per cent of the 1.5 million pages of his private Presidential papers. According to Entertainment Right Now literary critic John Pagelow, the first 200,000 pages are slow, but there are some interesting twists around page 238,974. The characters are well drawn, but the plot is less believable than the average episode of Guardians of the Universe.
“Oh, and the Nixon Papers are rated PG – Parental Guidance is suggested because of foul language.”
“I think I’ll wait for the paperback…and, finally, the United States National Archives has lost its pair of underwear donated by former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger. ‘This will be a terrible blow to our Twentieth Century Political Underwear exhibit scheduled for September,’ stated Archives Examiner Richard Jacobs. ‘There are fans of President Ford’s bunny boxers and President Reagan’s ‘Make My Day’ t-shirts, of course, but Kissinger’s underwear was the centrepiece of the collection. Nobody believed Kissinger wore underwear!'”
“Brooke Shields has graduated from Princeton with a degree in French Literature. It’s frightening to think that if Brooke’s new film, Brenda Starr, is a flop, she could end up translating at the United Nations, isn’t it?”
“It sort of makes you wish nobody had a nuclear capability… Former NBC President Grant Tinker and Gannett Newspapers Co. Inc. have announced the development of a nightly television show based on Gannett’s national newspaper USA Today. Stated one critic: ‘Journalism for the barely literate is about to appear on a medium for the barely conscious. What’s the point?'”
“Umm, perhaps we shouldn’t be too smug about that, Lisa…”
“Oh, we do hard-hitting investigative stuff every so often…”
“Now seems like a good time: We’ve all seen them – those public service advertisements for everything from unwanted teenage pregnancy and illiteracy to drug and alcohol abuse. Now, a recently released study reports that suicide rates in the US are the highest between three and six in the morning, when the highest concentration of public service ads run. Is there a connection? Stay tuned…”
“Who says we don’t do hard-hitting investigative stuff?”
“Not me, boy.”
“Well, the rumours are true. Former TV evangelists Jim and Tammy Bakker were asked by a booking agent to guest host The Late Show, Without Joan Rivers. However, executives at Fox Broadcasting, obviously a little touchy that its flagship programme was sunk before engaging in a major ratings battle, nixed the idea. Future guest hosts will not, therefore, include Bernhard Goetz, Charles Manson or Oral Roberts.”
“When we come back, artistic revisionism: is Leonardo da Vinci a better artists if he’s just plain Leonard?”
“We’ll have an interview with Bon Jovi’s cousin, Ann…”
“And, Ishtar: how can people make fun of something that cost so much money?”
Commercials In Production Using Rock Songs
| 1. Barry Maguire | Eve of Destruction | US Armed Forces |
| 2. Bob Dylan | Blowin’ in the Wind | McDonald’s |
| 3. Steppenwolf | Born to be Wild | Kidder Peabody Group Inc. |
| 4. The Beatles | Revolution 9 | Time magazine |
| 5. Cat Stevens | Peace Train | American Airlines |
| 6. Pink Floyd | See Emily Play | Chanel Perfume |