Reginald Scottenbottom, Chairman of the Movement for a Constitutional Amendment Making English the Official Language of the United States (MfaCA — oh, let’s face it, it’s not a very memorable acronym):
“Ahem. Thank you. As a citizen of the United States –“
I’m sorry, Mister Scottenbottom, but could you repeat that in English, please?
“What? I am speaking English.”
Actually, the word “citizen” is derived from the French word “citoyen.” “States” was also a French word, “Etats,” as was “United,” which was “Unis.” If you really want to speak pure English, you’ll have to find another way to make your opening statement.
“I see. Well, as an American –“
Ahh, sorry to interrupr again, but “America” was named after one of the early Italian explorers of this region, Amerigo Vespucci.”
“But — okay, how about…as somebody who lives in this country…? Satisfied? Okay. As somebody who lives in this country, I’m concerned about what can only be described as a serious threat to our culture. I’m –“
Ahem.
“What?”
“Culture.” It’s a common word in a large number of languages. In German, for instance, it’s “kultur.”
“I want to talk about the idea — no, wait. Okay. I mean, we have to consider our sense…err, as a people, we — okay, okay, okay. Can I start again?”
Of course. We’re all waiting to hear what you have to say.
“Thanks.”
Danke, actually.
“Whatever. Ahem. Language –“
French.
“Is an important –“
Also French.
“WILL YOU LET ME SPEAK?”
I’m sorry. It’s just that you have an important statement about the future of the country to make. And I have no doubt that you wouldn’t want it undermined by any absurd —
“Latin.”
Touche.
“French.”
Exactly! That’s the sort of incursion into our language by foreign languages which is undermining the authority of English in this country!
“But you were the one who said it!”
Yes, but I’m not the one campaigning for linguistic purity.
“I’m confused.”
It’s a thorny issue, to be sure. Perhaps you should just jump back in and we’ll tease out what meaning we can.
“You think?”
Certainly.
“Well, then. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem ahem ahem. Today, our country stands at a crossroads. Are we going to stand idly by as our heritage is polluted by those who refuse to speak our language in our country, or are we –“
Mister Scottenbottom? I have just one question, and then I promise I’ll let you finish your fascinating talk.
“Oh, what is it this time?”
What exactly do you mean by the term crossroads?
“Well, crossroads. A crossroads is a…it’s a place where two roads come together.”
And what do you mean by a place where two roads come together?
“Well, it’s a metaphor, isn’t it? It actually represents a time when we have to choose between two paths.”
Right. And what does it mean, to have to choose between two paths?
“Having to…make a decision?”
And what does having to make a decision mean?
“I…I don’t understand what you’re getting at…”
Well, it seems to me that we’re getting bogged down in the classical Barthesian dilemma of multiplying signifiers without a concrete sign. As Richard Rority brilliantly pointed out, language is a poor way of describing reality, contingent on a time when a more appropriate language replaces it. But of course, any new language’s usefulness is contingent on not being replaced by an even more useful language. You see what I’m getting at?
“I — I think I’m going to stick my head in a bucket of tapioca pudding.”
Well, there you have it, then. I’d like to thank my speaker, Reginald Scottenbottom, Chairman of the Movement for a Constitutional Amendment Making English the Official Language of the United States, for a most enlightening discussion. Next week, Regina Whistquist will talk to us about the need for women to return to their traditional roles as wives and mothers.