What Do You Get the Country That Has Everything?: a terrorist alert, of course. They come in a variety of colours, and you’re sure to find one to fit every income. No refunds, of course.
The Shoe’s On the Other Hoof, Now: the first case of mad cow disease appears in the United States. The Environmental Protection Agency announces that healthy brain tissue is vastly overrated. How long until somebody blames Cana – oops, too late.
Well, We Have a Pretty Good Idea What They Haven’t Been Smoking: Canada’s Supreme Court decides it cannot decriminalize or legalize marijuana, throwing the issue back to Parliament. Dealers throughout the country light up a doobie in celebration.
“From a quiet corner of the Chum/CITY building at Queen and John, this is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor.”
It’s usually quiet between Christmas and New Year’s, since most of the people who make the news are at home celebrating their wars, terrorist attacks or environmental destruction with their loved ones. As a result, many news outlets use this time to sum up some of what has happened over the course of the year. In this spirit, I would like to offer my list of the ten best Nana Mouskouri songs of the ye – what? Oh. Okay. We’ll come back to that, but first, this report from Sylvia Ferberance.
“Prime Minister Paul Martin has announced that he will be bringing in legislation in the new year that will decriminalize marijuana use, but strengthen penalties for marijuana growth and distribution. If successful, he will follow this up with legislation that will affirm the legality of drinking alcohol while levying stiff fines on anybody who would open a bar. Ultimately, Canadians will be allowed to eat powdered sugar, but owners of Tim Horton’s will risk the death penalty. From Ottawa, this is Sylvia Ferberance eating a donut while I’m still free to do so.”
I didn’t just pick Nana Mouskouri out of a hat, you know. Her dedication to her craft is an important lesson for us all in these troubled holiday times. That’s why my list – ah, but we have more news. Rahul Festrunk reports on…something.
“Liberal MP Sheila Copps, fresh from her failed Donna Quixotic quest for the leadership of her party, is now complaining that she is being forced out of politics. The boundaries of her riding have been changed thanks to redistribution, and Prime Minister Paul Martin has indicated that he wants another candidate to run in the new riding. Copps is right to complain. Back in the private sector, what could she do, other, perhaps, than host late night infomercials selling used carpet? (Remember, Sheila: always talk with wild arm gestures. That’s how the audience knows you’re sincere.) This is Rahul Festrunk in Otta – oww! Hey! Watch where you fling those arms, sister!”
Do – can I? Please? Everybody knows nothing happens over the holidays. Well, apparently, not Conrad Black, as Jason Petersburgovitz reports.
“For the first time in his public life, Conrad Black has refused to talk in a public forum guaranteed to garner him publicity. At an American Securities and Exchange Commission hearing into the finances of Hollinger International, Black invoked his right not to incriminate himself. Former Prime Minister Jean Chretien – how I’ve longed to say that! Let me savour it for a moment: former…Prime…Minister…Jean…Chretien – no, it never gets old – former Prime Minister Jean Chretien responded to the news: ‘If I had known shutting him up would be this easy…’ Checking his stock portfolio in New York, this is Jason Petersburgovitz.”
I mean, David Miller was elected Mayor of Toronto. You would think that would be enough for him to do in the month of November, right? But, noooooooo. As Anson Bergecheck reports, things are still happening in that city.
“Land in downtown Toronto assessed at a value of seven million dollars was given to the Toronto Port Authority by the federal government for $300,000. The parcel, zoned as parkland but used mostly as a parking lot and was to be used to build an island airport link, was sold one week before anti-island airport candidate David Miller became mayor of the city. ‘There’s nothing sinister here,” claimed the port authority’s Chief Executive Officer Lisa Raitt as she twirled her long moustache and contemplated tying widows and orphans to nearby railroad tracks.
“And, in a story related only by the fact that I’m reporting on it as well, developers are demanding the head of the chair of the Ontario Municipal Board after he climbed out of their pocket. ‘It was dark and stuffy in there,’ Chair Bruce Krushelnicki explained. ‘I needed a breath of fresh air. But, I was only going to be gone for a moment. Really.’ Krushelnicki will rule early next month on a motion asking him to resign, but rumour is that developers are already considering new colour schemes for his office. For The Irrational, this is Anson Bergecheck doing nothing of interest in Toronto.”
Okay, it’s true that some governments like to bury their bad news by announcing it during the holiday season, figuring that journalists are too busy waxing nostalgic over the year that has been. But…Nana! –
“The Bush administration has decided not to enforce regulations limiting the amount of mercury – a neurotoxin, a poison that attacks the brain – in pollution. Adelphi Jones, an outspoken critic of the policy, stated, ‘Bmff ga ga HELP hieaa hieaa arrumm arrumma rumm.’ President Bush said that this was early proof that the policy was working. This is Indigo Skye reporting from Washing – woof.”
Yeah. Yeah. War on terrorism…enemy combatants…blah blah blah. Subaru Debutante reports.
“The 2nd Circuit federal appeals court in New York has wagged a finger at President Bush’s war on terrorism, ruling that Jose Padilla could not be held without charges or counsel as an ‘enemy combatant.’ ‘If they keep this up,’ Judge Rosemary S. Pooler wrote for the majority, ‘We may be forced to send the entire executive branch to bed without its supper.’ The six hundred or so enemy combatants still locked up in Guantanamo Bay cheered the decision…or would have, if they had access to the media, lawyers or even carrier pigeons. From New York, this is Subaru Debutante wondering if her passport will save her from being deported to Syria if the American government doesn’t like her report.”
As my list of top ten Nana Mouskouri songs waits for that news vacuum that’s supposed to open up at this time of year, the tentacles of the Enron scandal reach into the Canadian aquarium, as Monique Moosehead reports.
“The Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce has agreed to pay $80 million to the American Securities and Exchange Commission for its involvement in the Enron scandal. ‘We’re not too worried,’ CIBC spokesman Rinaldo Cassandra claimed. ‘We’ll just find more fees to charge our customers.’ His grin chilled three city blocks. In my winter parka, this is Monique Moosehead reporting from Toronto for The Irrational.”
Jian Gezundheight, a man who knows a good Nana Mouskouri song when he hears it, has a report on the latest Canadian/American border brouhaha.
“Canadian actor Geordie Johnson lost a performing job in the United States when the Department of Citizenship and Immigration insisted that they needed specific evidence of a cultural exchange – ie: the name of an American actor performing in Canada while Johnson was working in the US. In the past, the requirement was not so specific. ‘We can do that,’ an ACTRA representative stated. ‘For instance, they got Keanu Reeves for The Matrix, we got Ben Affleck for Paycheck. Bit of a wash, that one, but you get the idea.’ From Ottawa, this is Jian Gezundheight, a man who really does know a good Nana Mouskouri song when he hears one.”
Eloise Tendentious – whose mother’s third cousin was, believe it or not, named Nina – tells us about the ongoing court battles of a famous stand-up comic.
“Comedian Lenny Bruce was granted a posthumous pardon by New York Governor George Pataki for an obscenity conviction of nearly 40 years ago. Somewhere six feet under ground Bruce cocked one eye, cooked some heroin and stated, ‘I’m dead. Why should I give a shit?’ State police are considering pressing new charges. For The Irrational, this is Eloise Tendentious in New York.”
Later in the broadcast, why ten is not enough songs to accurately reflect the genius of Nana Mouskouri…