I think Elwy Yost is great.
Elwy (for it is impossible to call him Mr. Yost), the host of TV Ontario’s Magic Shadows and Saturday Night at the Movies, is, to steal one of his own phrases, brilliant, simply brilliant. No matter how bad the films he screens are (and, because he is forced to buy movies in large packages, some of them are very bad, indeed), he is always cheerful, always has something positive to say.
(A few years ago, I had the pleasure of hearing Elwy speak at a science fiction convention. As amazing as it may sound, he was just as enthusiastic, just as loveable in person as he was on TV. I think he’s tapped into the energy source which powers the universe, but this is purely conjecture on my part…)
Yet, despite how wonderful Elwy has been, sometimes, late at night when I’m in a wicked mood, I wonder what would happen if Elwy presented a movie about which absolutely nothing good could be said. Would the universe as we know it cease to exist? Would mighty armies thrown down their weapons and declare peace unto the world?
Come with me, now, to the TVO studios. It is Saturday night, and one feature and several interview segments have already been screened…
“That was, of course, directors Richard Donner, John Badham and the wonderful Lindsay Anderson talking about how they cope with actors with bad breath,” Elwy, pipe in hand, says, beaming at the camera. “Wonderful…simply wonderful…”
“And, now, I’d like to introduce my next guest for this evening, Toronto Star film critic Ron Base.”
“Thanks, Elwy,” Base responds. “It’s too bad you weren’t this enthusiastic about my show…”
“Well,” Elwy smiles, “we can always talk about that later. What I would like to discuss right now is our second feature, The Night They Sneezed at the President. Ron, is there anything good to be said about this film?”
“Well, Elwy,” Base starts, then, realizing what the other man has said, stops for a moment. “What did you say?”
Elwy, expecting a long discourse, had put the pipe into his mouth. Hastily removing it, he replies, “Isn’t The Night They Sneezed at the President one of the worst films you ever saw?”
Base stares at Elwy, who smiles back at him. “I…I’m not sure what you’re getting at,” Base is finally able to blurt out.
“Well,” Elwy, still overwhelmingly cheerful, starts to explain, “the film disappeared into the MGM vaults after a week in release in 1957. It starts off as a spy story, with Russian agents who are infected with a deadly flu bug. Their improbable mission is to get close enough to the President to sneeze their deadly germs at him.
“The second half of the film describes the efforts of a crack team of surgeons and podiatrists as they strive to save the stricken President. According to every critic who had the misfortune to be assigned to write about the film, they shouldn’t have bothered.”
There is silence in the studio for a moment. “Elwy,” Base eventually, hesitantly asks, “Are you…alright?”
Elwy smiles benignly at him. “I’m just telling it like it is,” he says. “The story was silly, the direction was, well, pedestrian, and…ask me about the acting. Go ahead, just ask me.”
“Elwy…”
“This was the first and, mercifully, last film of a little known commercial performer named Montague Strange,” Elwy answers without being asked. “although I hate to single him out in a film noted for its profusion of truly awful performances…”
A great commotion rises up in the studio. Screens at home go black, then a card comes on saying, “Technical difficulties – please stand by.” Unfortunately, nobody thinks to turn off the audio, so everybody at home is still able to hear what follows.
“Elwy, what’s going on here?” an unidentified voice, possibly that of the director, asks.
“I’m just talking about the film like I always do,” Elwy answers. Even though nobody can see his face, cheerfulness still oozes from the blank screen.
“If you’re going to be critical,” Base says, angrily, “then there’s nothing for me to do. I might as well leave.”
There is silence for a long time. “Okay,” the unidentified voice firmly states, “You talk about anything you want…Jane Fonda’s new diet book…anything. We’ll be set to go in five or 10 minutes…”
The picture returns. “Well, we’re back,” enthuses Elwy, unaffected by what had just happened. I understand that The Night They Sneezed on the President is…unavailable. It seems that they burned all the reasonably good prints. So, instead…”
Naah!