by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology Writer
Do you realize that the atoms of skin that were shed by Alexander the Great during his life have been spread by time and tide over the planet? That means that you are probably breathing in atoms of the ancient Greek king even as you read this.
Yuck.
Although they are gone, in some sense all of the great historical figures, from Ludwig von Beethoven to Joey Ramone, from Charlemagne to Bebe Rebozo, from Aristotle to Yogi Berra, from Al Capone to…to – okay, I think you get the point – they are all still with us. And, now, it is possible that they may be brought back to life.
“Every atom carries with it a history of where it has been,” says Heinrich Horfhorker, lead scientist at the esteemed Deifunkenplatzer Institute of Out There Research in New Delhi, Scotland. “We have atoms, for instance, that were part of a tree in ancient Sumeria, then Marilyn Monroe’s lips, then a drum that was played by somebody who never made it as a musician. It’s remarkable, really. Especially the part about Monroe’s lips.”
Scientists at the Deifunkenplatzer Institute have been working for over a decade on devices that could accumulate atoms with similar histories. The work was hard, and the setbacks many.
“Six years ago, we tried to recreate the first electric guitar of Bob Dylan,” Horfhorker explained. “We got the neck and three strings. Unfortunately, the device we were working on at the time wasn’t sensitive enough to put together the atoms from a single object, so it kept confusing different atomic timelines. So, the guitar had gills from a sturgeon, part of the hide of a baseball and several eyelashes.”
“It was interesting, in a Marcel Duschamps kind of way,” Deifunkenplatzer Institute research best boy Antonella Kerplunkety stated.
“But, ultimately, it was not what we were working towards,” Horfhorker added.
“I was going to say that,” Kerplunkety pouted.
“Who is the lead researcher, here?” Horfhorker reminded her.
“That’s no reason to cut me off,” Kerplunkety stood her ground.
“Oh, go clean out some pipettes!” Horfhorker snarled, and Kerplunkety was gone.
The most exciting project being worked on at the Deifunkenplatzer Institute is known by the name C-243-1A27dash-8. “Bureaucrats,” Horfhorker shrugged. “What are you gonna do?”
The project is known informally in the Institute as the Albert Einstein Reclamation Project. Starting from a base of Einstein’s spine (“You don’t really want to know how we got that,” Horfhorker stated. “No, really. Don’t ask.”), the researchers have managed to collect enough atoms to recreate pieces of the scientific genius’ index finger (probably from his left hand), the lids of both his eyes and patches of his intestinal track. The highlight of their research project to date, though, has been an almost complete reconstruction of Einstein’s ankle.
“We have remade the ankle – and, the right ankle, at that – of the man who revolutionized our understanding of the physical universe,” Horfhorker dreamily commented. “I am humbled.”
Horfhorker’s dream of reconstituting all of Albert Einstein’s body has a major snag: Eleazor Schnouptfhoff at the European Institute of Arcane Research and Esoteric Effluvia (DISCERN) is also running a project to recreate Einstein’s body.
“We have two fingers, substantial parts of both of Einstein’s nostrils and almost half of his liver,” Schnouptfhoff proudly pointed out. “Our Einstein is going to make Horfhorker’s Einstein look sick!”
When told of his rival’s boast, Horfhorker responded, “Schnouptfhoff wouldn’t know Einstein’s ear drum from his asshole – which, by the way, we have over 70 per cent of!”
Horfhorker added that everybody who was anybody in the scientific community knew that Schnouptfhoff’s Einstein had been contaminated by atoms of J. Robert Oppenheimer. “What would their Einstein look like if they did complete him? ‘I am death, destroyer of worlds, and I don’t play dice with the universe?’ Please!”
Schnouptfhoff denies the accusation, but that’s really beside the point. Aside from the fact that the two Einstein projects would inevitably have to merge if the researchers wanted their recreations to be complete, both groups are faced with the problem that Einstein’s brain is kept in a jar in Thomas Stoltz Harvey’s rec room.
There is also the question of what either of the groups would do if they were successful in generating a complete version of Einstein’s body. After all, it would still be dead.
“Well deal with that issue when we get to it,” Schnouptfhoff responded.
“One problem at a time,” Horfhorker agreed. “That’s the way of science.”
Laurie Neidergaarden contributed to this article. Well, Laurie contributed this paragraph. Still, that counts.