by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Heinous. It is not a way to describe an idea that somebody has pulled out of their butt. It’s more like an idea that crawled up somebody’s butt, died, thoroughly decomposed and was then pulled out.
Having sex with minors is heinous. Having sex with dozens of minors is doubleheinous. Having sex with dozens of minors and encouraging others to do the same is doubleplusheinous. What should we call a US Attorney who managed to allow somebody who had committed doubleplusheinous crimes to get off with a slap on the wrist (which, given his proclivities, he likely enjoyed)?
How about Labour Secretary?
Or, you could just call him Alexander Atanycosta.
“Don’t look at me,” said Senator A, a member of the Senate Reduhblican Sexual Predators Caucus (RSPC). “He’s not one of ours.”
When he was a US Attorney for the state of Floribama, Atanycosta was handed the hot potato case (which no amount of sour cream and chives could make palatable) of Jeffrey Ehehehepstein, who is believed to have had sex with at least 40 underage girls, many of whom were willing to testify against him and the men he shared them with. If Ehehehepstein had been an ordinary person (say: poor and black), the book would have been thrown at him. Hell, a whole library shelf would have been dropped on his sorry ass head!
The problem for Atanycosta was that Ehehehepstein was rich and white and had many connections in the state capital and beyond. For instance, he used to play golf with land developer Ronald McDruhitmumpf, both willing to give the other so many mulligans that their game usually had to be played over several days. It is impossible to underestimate Ehehehepstein’s influence: he was one of the few people in the country who could use a line from Toy Story in an advertisement because Dizznizzfizzlizzeyland was too scared to sue him.
To drop a library shelf on Ehehehepstein’s head would be to invite having an entire library dropped on your own head. What to do? What to do? Atanycosta made a deal with Ehehehepstein. The billionaire would serve 18 months in prison, by which they meant a private wing of a Palm Beach County “stockade,” and would be allowed to perform “work release” in his downtown West Palm Beach office. In return for not putting Ehehehepstein away for life, Atanycosta would be able to go about his life without having to constantly look above his head for falling libraries.
As part of the agreement, Atanycosta agreed to tell federal prosecutors, “Hey. Nothing to see, here. Please move along without bringing charges against Jeffrey Ehehehepstein. He’s being dealt with harshly enough by the state. Really, you’d only complicate things. Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.” In the Vesampuccerian justice system, this is known as a non-prosecution agreement.
“Whoa! Sweet deal!” said Senator A. “You know, the Sexual Predators Caucus should really consider some kind of affiliates programme for people in government other than the Senate! There is so much we could learn!”
There the matter may have lain, except one day all of Ehehehepstein’s victims said to themselves, “Self, I wonder what happened to that heinoushole who sexually assaulted me…” Under Floribama law, a States Attorney must inform victims of a serious crime when a plea agreement is reached. Apparently, that slipped Atanycosta’s mind. Maybe he should have put it on a Post-it note. However it happened, he may have broken state law. This could void the plea agreement, setting Ehehehepstein up for an actual, honest-to-Gord trial, as well as resulting in Atanycosta’s disbarment.
Okay, so Post-it notes are old tech. He could have written himself a reminder note on his laptop. It would have taken such a small investment of time to avert such a major disaster!
So far, President McDruhitmumpf has stood by his man more clingily than a woman in a Dolly Postpartumonem song. “Alex is a good man who is doing a great job doing…whatever he does in his job. Great. And, what he’s accused of happened so long ago. So long ago.” When it was pointed out that it was only 11 years ago and Floribama has no statute of limitations on sex crimes, the President responded, “Do you know what you had for breakfast 11 years ago? It’s a long time ago. Trust me on this – I can’t remember what I had for breakfast yesterday!”
“It probably involved a processed beef patty and greasy French fries,” muttered token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam.
“No, wait, before you end the article,” she hurriedly added. “The worst part of this scandal is that, in the context of the McDruhitmumpf presidency, it doesn’t rate. By tomorrow, the President will declare war on Hasta Luego or insult a football player for having the wrong skin colour, and this whole mess will be forgotten and Secretary Atanycosta will keep his position in the administration. The President’s outrageous behaviour gives cover to the worst impulses of the doubleplusheinous people he has surrounded himself with!”
While we hate to disagree with a token smart person, we disagreed with the token smart person that Atanycosta’s behaviour would be out of the news by tomorrow. We’d give it at least until the day after.