by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
At 2:37 in the morning, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf tweeped, “An honest vote in Floralina is no longer possible! New ballots beamed down from out of nowhere, Scotty!! And many are missing or forged!!!! Ballots massively infected!!!! Fair count ended at 9:01 last night!etc. #votefraudingbastards”
If the President is to believed (has he ever lied to you…in the past 30 sec – five second – breath?), the Floralina Senate election race was tainted after three ballots were counted. Not surprisingly, Reduhblican candidate Rick Lethemovscottfrey received two of the votes, while Dumbopratic incumbent Bill Jellynelbelson received one.
“That’s not an election,” protested token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, “it’s a game of rock-paper-scissors with a sore loser!”
Reduhblicans were quick to echo echo echo echo echo the President’s sentiments. For example, Senator Marco Rubydubio (Floralina’s other white meat), said, “Where are all these ‘ballots’ coming from? Okay, ballot boxes. In precincts. All over the state. But, honestly, are we expected to believe that those ballots just ‘happened’ to be actually ‘cast’ by actual ‘voters?’ Oh, the Dumbroprats would like that, wouldn’t they? Vote frauding bastards!”
Meanwhile, over on Foxindehenhaus News, anchorhuman (let’s give him the benefit of the doubt – AI isn’t sufficiently advanced to be that clueless) Sean Hanjobovverfist was telling viewers: “Some of those ballots are not just infected, they’re positively diseased! They’re the 98 pound weaklings of the electoral process, people! And, those ballots don’t cover their mouths when they cough, so they’re busy infecting healthy, Vesampuccerian ballots. You know the ones I’m talking about – do I need to spell it out for you? – R-e-d-uh – Reduhblicans, okay? Ballots for the Reduhblicans are starting to sniffle, starting to ask their mothers to check their foreheads to see if they have a fever – our idiotocracy is in danger of catching pneumonia here, people – vote frauding bastards!”
Senate Minority Leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer looked like he could spit. Or, like he was about to give birth to a 15 pound bowling bawl. After decades in politics, he had perfected the art of incomprehensible duality.
“So, let me get this straight,” Senate Minority Leader Schumaihargowmer spirthed. “The Reduhblicans have gerrymandered districts so badly that only a quantum physicist can fully appreciate their boundaries. They are so good at suppressing votes, they should put their talent into lozenge form and sell it as a cough remedy. And, they’re accusing us of elections shenanigans? Talk about the pot calling the hashish potent!”
The Dumboprats took Lethemovscottfrey, who coincidentally happens to be the Governor of the great state of Floralina, which, of course, in no way, no how means that he had any say in how the election was run, to court to ensure that all the votes were counted. Chief Circuit Justice Jack Tututinarut ruled:
“Accusations of voter fraud
At the best of times are odd.
In this instance
The Reduhblicans offered no evidence
That I could savour
To rule in their favour.
Democracy is vital, on it we spare no expense
So, I say, let the ballot counting recommence!”
Andrew Lloyd Webbergrillfacial is believed to have bought the rights to the ruling with the intention of turning it into a musical called Fraud! Personally, I think Phantom of the Democracy would be more appropriate, but what do I know? He shares champagne cocktails on the half shell with the Queen while I’m lucky if my leftover mac and cheese has any ketchup left in it!
Sorry. Court rulings that break out into poetry make me dysphonius. (That’s the fifth time I’ve had to replace that portable communications device this month!)
Why do the Reduhblicans care so much about a single Senate seat? It’s not like it will change the fact that they got thoroughly shellacked (with a warm, woody veneer) in the House races, where the Dumboprats flipped 36 seats to take control.
“You have to think like the President,” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam explained. Five minutes later, after the shuddering had subsisded, she continued: “Which I never do, because it really is dangerous to one’s mental health. In point of fact, I use TrumpInterpretz v12.1.3c to do my thinking like the President for me.”
Aaaaaaaaaannnnnnd?
“If the Reduhblicans gain two or three Senate seats, the President will ignore the shellacking in the House and claim victory,” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam read off a printout. “Which is fine by me, by the way – I’m more of a French Vanilla veneer programme, myself. If you don’t give the President the Senate, then he can’t claim any manner of victory. And, if he can’t claim victory, then he would have to admit that his party lost. And, if he admitted that his party lost, then he would have to admit that he bears some responsibility for that loss. And, if the President has to bear some responsibility for the party’s loss, well, have you seen how soberly and responsibly he acts when he thinks he’s winning?”
Whoa. Okay, then. Lethemovscottfrey – 2, Jellynelbelson – 1. If it’s good enough for the NHL, it’s good enough for Floralina!