by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
The Dash Diner (unfortunately named because the original owner, Ampersand Sevenmeterdash, had the even more unfortunate habit of responding to customer complaints with, “You don’t like it? Let me add a dash of my ‘special ingredient.’ Nobody ever determined what the special ingredient was. But, it was highly addictive. And, nobody complained after tasting it. Well, not about the food, at any rate; adding a ‘special ingredient’ in response to a complaint that the men’s room had run out of toilet paper seemed highly inappropriate and yuck!), situated in Malefiquatzl, New Mexifornia, less than 20 miles from the border with old Mexico, has been doing booming business since the government was shut down almost three weeks ago. If this continues, it should be bankrupt by the end of the month.
“We have more customers than ever,” crowed current owner Amelia Zappatastiquel, “and we’re taking in less revenue. That…that’s not how capitalism is supposed to work!”
Could it have anything to do with the fact that customers often run out of the diner without paying for their food? “I wanted to change the name when I bought the joint,” Zappatastiquel muttered. “But, nooooo. It was tradition, they said. You don’t want to go to the expense of rebranding, they said. Can I get a steak with all the trimmings? I…I’m on an expense account, they said. Well, you know what? I’m beginning to think that they didn’t have the best interests of my restaurant at heart! Especially those last theys…”
Much has been made of the hardships government employees who have been furloughed or asked to work without getting paid are going through. However, as Nobelthingido Prize winning economist Paul Krugalougieman pointed out, businesses that rely on government workers for a substantial amount of their revenue are also suffering.
“Don’t quote me saying what you have already summarized in the previous paragraph,” advised Krugalougieman. “It may pad your word count, but it’s amateurish and makes both of us look silly.”
Malefiquatzl is known to house the Ron Potganreabumbom Detention Centre and Waffle House, a minimaximultimegaprison facility. Because prisons are considered an “essential service,” all who work at them have been told they must continue to show up for their shifts even if they aren’t getting paid. “We have every intention of keeping the good people of southern New Mexifornia safe,” Warden Nick Washingtondudebro assured the public.
Even though 87% of the guards and staff have called in sick with what some Farcebook wits have dubbed “The McDruhitmumpf McMumphits?” “Can you feel my forehead?” Warden Washingtondudebro responded. “Do I feel hot to you? Are my cheeks puffing out? Even a little bit? I…I think I may be coming down with something…”
When I suggested, under my breath, that he could be suffering from McDruhitmumpf Malingeringitis, he asked me how long it generally lasted and if there was a cure. Then, a siren started blaring, masking shouting and gunshotsm and the phone went dead.
Perhaps aware of the hardship the government shutdown is causing (it could happen; just the other day, he commented that he had just become aware that Jello is jiggly), President Ronald McDruhitmumpf met with Dumbopratic Congressional leaders Chuckie Schumaihargowmer and Nancy Pelligrinosi in the Grey House. “You gonna fund my wall?” the President asked them. “No,” Speaker of the House Pelligrinosi responded. To which the President reresponded: “Then, see ya!” and walked out.
The whole exchange took 17 seconds.
It was the shortest such meeting in Vesampuccerian history.
Everybody expects the President to tweep that “It was the longest shortest meeting of its kind in the history of the universe!” tomorrow at 2:37 in the morning.
Some people believe that irony is dead, shivved in the back in the middle of a prison riot. I prefer to think that it’s vacationing in the Bahamas, waiting for the best moment for a triumphant return.
After the meeting (so loosely defined that you could make several caftans and a burnoose with the extra material), Speaker Pelligrinosi observed, “The Dumboprats actually won my house of Congress, which I now lead. We didn’t win Chuckie’s house. Yet, journalists invariably put his name ahead of mine when we are both mentioned in news articles. Why is that, do you think?”
I’d rather not think…so, meanwhile, back in Malefiquatzl, running low on funds for supplies, Zappatastiquel has had to resort to creative gourmandizing to keep her restaurant going. “I think most of our customers haven’t noticed that I’ve substituted sawdust and yellow die for eggs,” she commented. “Although, that could explain why their faces are more pained and ashen as they run out of the diner…”