Welcome back to this Deadline News Special Report: America Goes to War (Again) . I’m your host, Rex Veneer.
British prime Minister Tony Blair, America’s trusted attack poodle, released a dossier purporting to prove that Saddam Hussein is a clear and present danger to world security. The 56 page report amounted to: “He bad. He be bad again. Probably. We think.” In response, United States President George Junior commented: “Right on! Tha’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout!” Then, he moonwalked across the floor of the Oval office. Good to see he’s taking the public’s need for proof of Iraq’s destructive capabilities seriously.
One of the suspicious activities cited in the report was a convoy of trucks that appeared outside what used to be an Iraqi germ warfare research facility. A representative of the Hussein government claimed that the facility had been converted into a donut factory, saying: “Iraq has no Tim Hortons, so we have to improvise.” The Americans bombed it anyway, sending a plume of powdered sugar 50 feet into the air. Residents of nearby towns have been warned that they can expect shorter life expectancies owing to weight increases caused by an increase in the intake of inhaled processed sugars.
Oh, the humanity.
With American mid-term elections just a few weeks off, debate on how to deal with Iraq is giving American voters a good look at their options. Congressional conservatives want to give President George Junior the power to kick the snot out of anybody he wants. Congressional liberals, on the other hand, want to give President George Junior the power to kick the snot out of anybody he wants, as long as he gives them 24 hours prior notice. With such a robust political culture, where the alternatives are stark, it’s a wonder that any country could resist the American model of democracy, isn’t it?
The Voice of Doom has been fired from its position as CEO of Armageddon Industries, PLC. While insiders claim it was a matter of excessive executive compensation, the Voice of Doom’s lawyer claims it was fired because it refused to announce death and destruction to the Iraqi people one more time. Rumour has it that Jack Welch is considering taking over the position – if the price is right.
United Nations resolutions ignored by Iraq: 16. United Nations resolutions ignored by Israel: 69. I’d hate to be the person handicapping that race…
This just in: President George Junior has settled on a reason to attack Iraq: he claims Saddam Hussein helped train Al Qaeda operatives like those responsible for the terrorist attack on the United States. (And, didn’t he look like he’d just swallowed a lemon when he made that announcement!) Vocal critics of the government’s policy – all three of them – pointed out that Iraq was a secular state and Al Qaeda was a fanatical fundamentalist religious organization. In addition, Osama bin Laden is on record as saying: “I hate him! I hate Saddam Hussein! Hate him! Hate him! Hate him!” President George Junior referred all questions on this subject to his newest adviser, Rod Serling.
Many world leaders have responded to America’s war on terrorism with barely hidden glee. Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon has used it as an excuse to step up attacks on Palestinians, stating, “Yeehaw!” Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has used it as an excuse to step up attacks on Chechnya rebels, stating, “I’mo rustle me up some dead Chechens!” Indian Prime Minister Atal Bihari Vajpayee has used it as an excuse to step up attacks on Kashmiri separatists, stating, “Feeling lucky, punks? Go ahead – make my day!”
Man, if this is what globalization is all about, no wonder Naomi Klein is so pissed off!
I’ve just been handed a Deadline News update: representatives of Iraq not named Saddam Hussein – hard to believe there are such people, isn’t it? – say the country will not honour American demands that it allow UN inspectors into the country within seven days if the United Nations decrees it. They claim that the US has already decided to attack no matter what their country does. In international diplomatic circles, this is known as “The Moe Fine Finger to the Eye Gambit.” Experts expect “The Two Fingers In Front of the Eye Defence” from the United States. One can only hope things will end there – somebody make sure they stay away from the table full of pies!
And, finally, if the United States does go to war with Iraq, it will be the second time the US has fought a war in a little over a year, and the second time it has waged war against Iraq in a decade. It’s a good thing Americans are a peace-loving people – there’s no telling what trouble the world would be in if they weren’t!
Good night.