Okay. The reason I’ve asked you all to come here today is to try to make it clear to you that Rush Limbaugh’s show is no longer on the radio.
“Yes, it is.”
“Yeah.” “Yeah.” “It totally is.” “It goddam better be!” “Yeah.” “I would have three hours I would have to fill if it wasn’t!” “I would have to talk to my wife!” I would have to play with my kids!” “I would have to find some other way to stifle the voices in my head!” “So, it’s still on the air, man.” “Yeah. Still, on.” “The air.” “Yeah.” “Man.”
“Why would you even say something like that?”
“Only a bad man would say something liker that!” “You’re a bad man.” “A bad, bad man.” “A very bad man!” “You better hope Rush doesn’t hear you say shit like that.” “Yeah! Rush’ll tear you a new one for saying shit like that!” “You better not say shit like that!” “Yeah!” “YEAH!” “Yeah.”
Look: I understand that this is hard for you and many of you are in denial about it, but –
“I’m not in denial.”
“Nope.” “Sorry.” “No denial here.” “I’m not in denial.” Me, neither.” “Not only am I not in denial, I don’t even know what denial is.” “Denial. Deeeeniiiiaaaallll. Denial? Is that even English?” “In fact, I barely speak English.” “What was that you said?” “What language was it in?” “Sorry.” “Yeah, sorry.” “Except, not really.” “No, not at all.”
Right. You see, that’s what I’m talking about. Sooner or later, you are all going to have to face reality and accept that Limbaugh is no longer on the air.
“No, I don’t.”
“I don’t.” No, I don’t.” “I DON’T! I DON’T! IDON’T!” “Reality is what I want it to be.” “Yeah.” “Yeah!” “And, in my reality, Rush is still on the air!” “Yeah!” “Yeah. In fact, he’s on the air 24 hours a day!” “36 hours a day!” “48 hours a day, dammit! And, all day Sunday!” “So, don’t try and tell me Rush isn’t on the air, asshole! He’s on the air now more than he was when he was actually…umm…on the…err…”
Right. Well. Here’s the thing. Limbaugh finally crossed the line and offended too many people. This caused companies to pull their advertising from his show, making it financially unviable. Once the networks that ran his show realized what was happening, they started dropping it. It was only a matter of time before he stopped being avail –
“Advertisers! Who do they think they are?”
“Yeah!” “Right!” “Fucking advertisers!” “Think just because they put their money in a show, that they can take it out whenever they feel like!” “Fuck ’em!” “FUCK ‘EM!” “FUCK! THEM!”
Now, now. Corporate sponsors have the right to put their advertising dollars wherever they choose. That’s capitalism.
“Capitalism sucks!”
“Yeah!” “Yeah!” “Damn straight!” “Capitalism sucks!” “Screw capitalism!” “Yeah, screw capitalism!” “Damn capitalism!” “It sucks!” “SUUUUUCKS!” “Sucks!” “Capitalism sucks!” “Screw it!”
“But, Rush loved capitalism. He hated socialism!”
“Yeah!” “Yeah!” “Damn straight!” “Socialism sucks!” “Screw socialism!” “Yeah, screw socialism!” “Damn socialism!” “It sucks!” “SUUUUUCKS!” “Sucks!” “Socialism sucks!” “Screw it!”
How is advertisers pulling their money from Rush Limbaugh’s radio show socialism?
“Because…” “Umm…” “You know…” “It has to do with that thing…” “Umm…” “Err…”
“Rush would have been able to answer that question.”
“Yeah. “YEAH!” “Rush would have known.” “Rush would have had the answer.” “Yeah! Rush always had the answers!” “I’m going to listen to him right now!” Yeah!” “RUSH!” “RUSH!” “RUSH!” “RUSH!” “RUSH!” “RUSH!” “RUSH!” “RUSH!”
“His show…doesn’t seem to be where it usually is…”
“Has he moved?”
“Maybe his show has moved.” “Try another station.” “Maybe…his show is at a different time?” “Let’s listen later!” “But, we’re here now.” “You gotta problem with listening later?” “Don’t be a jackass.” “Don’t tell me not to be a jackass, jackass!” “Yeah!” “Yeah!” “Being a jackass is what listening to Rush was all about!” “Yeah!” “Hey!” “HEY!” “Stop shoving me!” “I’ll stop shoving you when you stop being a jackass!” “Oh, yeah?”
Guys. GUYS! Much as I would be delighted to see Rush Limbaugh listeners turn on each other, this is a rented room, and I don’t want to lose my deposit. If you’re going to turn ugly, wait until you’ve left.
“Aww, fuck it.”
“Fuck it!” “Yeah, fuck it!” “Fuck it totally.” “Fuck it with taco sauce.” “Fuck it until it sees stars…and stripes!” “Fuck it with a cherry on top!” “Fuck it on Route 66!” “Fuck it to the moon, Alice! To the moon!” “Fuck it during the Super Bowl!” “Dude!” “What?” “Fuck it!” “FUCK IT!” “FUCK! IT!”
I’m sorry I had to break the news to you.
“Well, you know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna listen to Rush’s show anyway. I’m gonna sit in front of the radio and pretend I can still hear him.”
“Yeah.” “YEAH!” “I’ll remember my favourite moments on the show.” I’ll remember the times I laughed so hard, I nearly choked on my three grain pretzel!” “Feminazis!” “Socialist fascists!” “I’m sticking with Feminazis.” “Okay, okay, we don’t have to argue about our favourite Rush moments. It’s all good.” “Damn straight. We don’t need Rush Limbaugh to listen to Rush Limbaugh!”
Sigh.