SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
Since the news broke that his lawyers had started to prepare President Ronald McDruhitmumpf for an interview with Special Prosecutor Robert Meullitallover, people throughout Washburningdington (and in small pockets here and there in other parts of the country) have wondered what those sessions might be like. Now, thanks to heroic efforts by reporters…to take a call from an anonymous source within the Grey House, the Alternate Reality News Service has a copy of a recording of the first session.
The following is a transcript of that session. It has been edited to give our staff something to do.
JAY SEKULAHUMAN: Mister President? (pause) Mister President? (pause) Mister President…I wonder if – could you please – Mister President!
PRESIDENT RONALD McDRUHITMUMPF: Jay?
SEKULAHUMAN: Could you please put down the phone so we can discuss your testimony?
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: Sure, Jay. Let me just send a tweep…
20 minutes later.
SEKULAHUMAN: One tweep, Mister President?
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: You know what they say about Twitherd: they’re like peanuts: when you’re in a boring meeting, you can’t throw just one at the speaker…
SEKULAHUMAN: (stifles a sigh) Mister President, it’s imperative that we start prepping you for a possible interview with the Special Prosecutor.
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: Why can’t I just fire the bastard?
TY COBBSALADFORTOO: We’ve been through this before, Ron. It would look like you have something to hide.
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: (bellows) I’m not hiding anything! You know I’m not hiding anything! And, you know it! Even the secretary over there who is secretly taping this session to sell to the lying fake news knows it!
COBBSALADFORTOO: Okay. Okay. You’re not hiding anything.
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: There are just things I’d rather not talk about in public.
SEKULAHUMAN: That’s why we need to prepare you for your interview.
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: (one sigh, unstifled; muttering) Should’ve fired the nosy bastard when I first wanted to!
SEKULAHUMAN: Now, we should start with –
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: Just…just one more second. Gotta say something about Jimmy Ryewithkimmelseeds – did you hear what he said about me on his show last ni –
COBBSALADFORTOO: (bellowing) GIVE ME THAT!
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: Hey! That’s my phone!
COBBSALADFORTOO: You’ll get it back when we’re done.
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: (mutters) I better.
Pause.
SEKULAHUMAN: Okay. We’re pretty sure that Robert Meullitallover is going to –
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: Abadaba dup dup dup.
SEKULAHUMAN: I was saying that Meullitallover is likely to –
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: Ip ip ip ip bubbity!
SEKULAHUMAN: Mister President, please! This is serious –
COBBSALADFORTOO: (aside) You need to call him the Special Prosecutor. The President doesn’t want to hear his actual name. I learned that the hard way – hardest hour and a half of my life.
SEKULAHUMAN: Seriously?
COBBSALADFORTOO: (shrugs) As serious as anything about this President.
SEKULAHUMAN: (sighs) Okay, Mister President. Sorry about that. The Special Prosecutor will probably ask you if you knew anything about Michael Flyinnthuointmeant’s meetings with Fenwickian agen –
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: There was no collusion.
SEKULAHUMAN: Umm…okay. Good. That’s a good line to take. Did you know about Flyinnthuointmeant lying to Congress when he denied –
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: No collusion.
SEKULAHUMAN: Right. You –
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: No collusion! No collusion! No collusion!
SEKULAHUMAN: Yes, Mister President, that’s the impression we want to give. But, you’ve already answered that, and it can’t be the answer to the other 137 questions that Meullitallover is going to –
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: Yubba hubba dubba bubba!
SEKULAHUMAN: That the Special Prosecutor is going to ask. When he asks you what you knew about Flyinnthuointmeant’s connections to the government of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, you should say –
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: No collusion.
COBBSALADFORTOO: (explodes) NO!
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: (confused) No no collusion?
COBBSALADFORTOO: You can’t answer all of the Special Prosecutor’s questions with the same two words! You have to listen to –
SEAN HANJOBOVVERFIST: (on TV) …have the young anti-gun protesters cook the babies for her, or did she have her staff do it as a reward for their mischief with a feast?
COBBSALADFORTOO: (over TV) Mister President!
HANJOBOVVERFIST: (on TV) Reasonable people can agree to disagree on this point. But there is no doubt –
COBBSALADFORTOO: (over TV, shouting) Mister President!
HANJOBOVVERFIST: That the Dumboprat junta leader likes her babies sauteed with garlic and red peppers.
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: (chuckles) Gonna have to work that into tomorrow’s speech about infrastructure.
COBBSALADFORTOO: (bellowing) GIVE ME THAT!
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: (petulant) Hey! That’s my converter!
COBBSALADFORTOO: You’ll get it back when we’re done.
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: (mutters) I better.
COBBSALADFORTOO: (mutters back) If I’m feeling generous.
SEKULAHUMAN: Okay, Mister President. Now, Robert Meullitallover will probably –
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: Aaaaaah bub uh dub baaaaaab!
Pause.
SEKULAHUMAN: Right. The Special Prosecutor will probably ask about the negotiations to build a McDruhitmumpf Tower in Fenwick City.
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: That’s a red line.
SEKULAHUMAN: I understand that you feel that way about it, sir. But the Special Prosecutor will still want to know about your meetings with Fenwickians to discuss it and if they had any effect on –
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: Red line! Red line! Red line! Red line! Red line!
SEKULAHUMAN: (mutters) My Gord – it’s like living in The Shining!
COBBSALADFORTOO: Look on the bright side: at least he’s found a new answer.
HANJOBOVVERFIST: (on TV) …artoncleveman discovered that To Serve Man was actually a cookbook!
COBBSALADFORTOO: Hey! How did you get that?
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: Ooh, that’s good!
SEKULAHUMAN: Maybe we should call it a day.
COBBSALADFORTOO: Humph. Yeah. You’re probably right. POTUS paid attention for almost three minutes. That’s gotta be some kind of record for him.
SEKULAHUMAN: As long as we keep at it, he’ll be ready.
COBBSALADFORTOO: Oh, sure. As long as Meullitallover waits 137 years to call him in for questioning!
SEKULAHUMAN: Don’t sweat it. The President could be correct when he says that there’s no need to prepare him for an interview with the Special Prosecutor.
COBBSALADFORTOO: How do you figure that?
SEKULAHUMAN: When the President starts pardoning people right, left and centre, there will be no pressure left on anybody to testify against him.
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: (shouts) Whoot! Whoot! Whoot! You get that bitch, Seannie!
COBBSALADFORTOO: Yeah. Pity, that.
END OF TAPE