Ah, merci, merci, t’ank you very much for inviting me ta talk to you even dough da Toronto chapter of da ‘ell’s Angels is a bunch of pussies dat da Montreal chapter could beat da piss out of widout breakin’ a sweat, you know. T’anks especially ta Morris “Da Lip” and “Big Stefany” LaFirenza fer puttin’ me up. You guys are da best.
Okay. I’m ‘ere today ta talk about how da ‘ell’s Angels in Montreal ‘ave promoted dat dere democracy. You should pay close attention – yeah, wake up Sledge’ammer, I’m talkin’ ta you – cause de you wanna change yer image, okay?
Okay. Da first ‘ting we do, we make sure everybody goes out an’ vote. ‘Ow do we do dat? We give dem a $10 discount on every $100 wort’ of coke dey buy for every vote dey do. Some of our customer get so excited by dis special offer dat dey vote 10…20 times in da same election!
Dat’s democracy in action.
Dat’s okay for our clients, but what about people what don’ use our services? In da las’ provincial election, da Montreal ‘ell’s Angels experiment wit’ goin’ door to door and encouragin’ people ta vote by tellin’ dem we break deir legs if dey don’. Dat tactic did not go over so good. In fac, we learn a valuable lesson from dat one: you can’t encourage democracy from inside a jail cell.
Eh, AverageWeightBoy Roger, you hear me? What did I just say? Look: da sooner I get t’rough dis, da sooner we can hit da strip joint. You understan’ dat, okay? Okay. You can’ encourage democracy from inside a jail cell. Dat mean don’ get caught – standard operating procedure, non?
For people oo are not our customer, we offer ‘ell’s Angels keychains and t-shirt as incentive to go out an’ vote. Most people, dey slam da door in our face. But you would be surprised oo goes for it: grannies want ooters t-shirt, accountants want skull an’ crossbones pens. Democracy, it’s full of surprise.
I know, I know, if you give away da merchandise, why would people buy it? Dis is a good question. T’ink of it as a kind o’ democratic loss leader. It’s like, when you rough up a guy dat’s late wit’ ‘is loan payments, you know he won’ be able ta pay you while ‘e’s in da ‘opital, but ‘is example will make everybody else more likely ta pay on time. Besides, you only give away da small stuff – if dey want da ‘ell’s Angels action figures or da bronze ‘arley miniature, dey pay jus’ like everybody else.
Okay. You’re probably askin’ yourself oo we should encourage people ta vote for. Dis is a matter of some debate in da Montreal chapter. Personally, I t’ink we should get dem ta vote for da most conservative candidate runnin’. Why? Dem liberal candidate, dey wanna legalize drugs, dey wanna legalize prostitution – dey wanna take away our best businesses! Dem conservatives, dey talk big about law an’ order, but dey pose much less of a t’reat to us.
Yeah. Skullcrusher – you got a question? Yeah, I was getting’ ta dat. Information is da lifeblood o’ democracy, so it’s important ta treat journalist wit’ respec’. If a reporter is givin’ you a hard time, it’s okay ta threaten ‘im wit’ violence, as long as it doesn’t affect ‘is livelihood too much. Broken legs an’ cracked ribs is okay. Don’ t’reaten ‘im wit’ no skull fractures or anyt’ing dat serious, dough. I don’ like ta t’ink of dis as “intimidation” – I prefer da term “engagement wit’ da political process.”
Yes, Skullcrusher – what now? No. No, killing dat journalist was bad for democracy. As a matter of fac’, we didn’ sanction dat killing. It was some frat boy who wan’ to become a Angel. We give him some low level mule job – we never expec’ he do somet’ing so stupid. Let’s just say he won’ be botherin’ nobody no more.
Dat’s da great t’ing about democracy – everyone’s allowed ta participate in deir own unique way. Now – oo want ta go down ta ‘ooters and get loaded? I’ll get da first round and show you Toronto pussies what it really mean ta drink.