by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Sex/Scandal Writer
The problem with constant leaks from anonymous sources about a government is that by the time somebody actually goes on the record about them, it can feel a little…anticlimactic. Not in a global hot as hellification way – that would be anticlimatic. And, certainly not in a way that is prejudiced against tomato juice – that would be antiClamatoic. Aaaaand, I seem to have strayed from my original point, which is: anticlimactic, with a whiff of vinegar, is how many people felt about the testimony from fired FBI Director James Comeonecomally.
For instance, Comeonecomally testified that he had 13 contacts with President Ronald McDruhitmumpf: three in person, six over the phone, two on Farcebook and two by smoke signal. Anybody who has been paying attention knows that the President likes to reach out to his subordinates. He even boasts about touching some of them. Ho hum. Been there. Done that. Virally marketed the t-shirt.
Comeonecomally claimed in his testimony that the President asked him to end the Federal Bureau of Instigation’s investigation of fired national security adviser Michael Flyinnthuointmeant’s ties to the Duchy of Grand Fenwick. “He’s a great guy,” Comeonecomally claimed the President told him. “Super guy. Salt of the Earth. He’ll be a saint one day, if the Pope ever gets his head out of his ass. Sorry – I meant no disrespect. I should have said: his head out of his holy ass. Would you want to lead an investigation that stopped a great, super, salty guy from becoming a saint?” Yeah, that. But, we first learned that the President was trying to derail the Grand Fenwick investigation seven weeks ago. Time to move on, people – nothing new here.
According to Comeonecomally, the first time President McDruhitmumpf spoke to him, he asked Vice President Michael Pendenatendance, adviser Jared Kushkushinthebush and Attorney General Jeff “Self-regard” Sesspoolpandemic to leave the room. Maybe this indicates that he knew that what he was about to discuss was wrong and he didn’t want any witnesses; maybe he had originally intended to talk to Comeonecomally about prostate cancer and was embarrassed to bring it up in front of so many people. Aaaaaaaand, decided once the room had cleared that he just wasn’t ready to talk about such a personal matter to the head of a national security agency, so he talked about Flyinnthuointmeant instead. It happens. Either way, it’s old news. You really expect me to feel outrage over something I found out about weeks ago?
Comeonecomally went on to testiy that, after the first meeting, he asked AG Sesspoolpandemic not to leave him alone with President McDruhitmumpf. According to his notes, AG Sesspoolpandemic replied, “Wuhl, nah, Jim, raccoons gotta rack ‘n’ polecats gotta pole. Y’all’ll be jus’ fine. Jus’ fine.” Oh, yawn! If this news were any more stale, toasting it with a blowtorch would make it softer! I mean, this news item is so old that Adam would shake his head at it and go off in search of something to eat for breakfast. We learned this so long ago tha
[Okay, Maddie, I have to stop you right there. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt, since the only scandals you’ve written about to this point have involved au pair costumes and sex toys named “Big Billy-Bob’s Gamble.” The thing is, news from anonymous sources is always suspect; something doesn’t become real until somebody is willing to say it on the record. And, Congressional testimony is as on the record as somebody can get this side of a last will and testament. So, ditch the attitude and get on with the reporting. EDITRIX-IN-CHIEF BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI]
Oh. Right. So…reaction to Comeonecomally’s testimony has been…confusing. “Everything he said was a lie,” President McDruhitmumpf said the next day. “And, his testimony totally vindicated me.”
Rainout Press Secretary Sarah Huckavoxhuma elaborated on this point: “The traitourous weasel’s testimony totally vindicated the President. Without doubt, the President is now totally, completely, utterly and without contradiction, or even the least hint of a possibility of contradiction, vindicated.”
When asked what the testimony vindicated the President for, RPS Huckavoxhuma freewheeled, “What did it – what? What was President McDruhitmumpf vindicated for? Anything! Everything! Claiming the dog ate his homework when he was 11. Using bankruptcy as a way of getting workers on his buildings to accept a fraction of the salaries they were owed. The Satanic Apprentice! I will give Comeonecomally this: he was the worst Director the FBI ever had, but he was certainly thorough!”
Special Prosecutor Robert Meulldiswanovah is rumoured by anonymous sources to have shaken his head in disbelief.