NOTE TO AUDITORS: last week, we tried to find a silver lining in all of the news items we presented. Unfortunately, every time we announced a silver lining, our ratings went down. So, much as we loved the idea, we’re going to leave that shit to Disney.
Good evening.
Our top story tonight: The federal government still hasn’t released any details about how it intends to comply with Kyoto Protocol targets, prompting speculation that it doesn’t – OH, LOOK! UP THERE! Is that – could it possibly – yes! Yes, it is! The Exemption Fairy! Oh, wise and wondrous Exemption Fairy, upon whom will you bestow your largesse this fine day? Ontario’s automobile industry? Oh, grand and exalted Exemption Fairy, how can we ever repay you for this unforeseen act of kindness? Yes. Of course. Vote Liberal in the next election. But – oh. Until next time, then, Exemption Fairy. Goodbye. Goooooodbyyyyye!
Ahem.
In other news: reports of American special forces and CIA agents working inside Iraq have been denied by the White House. “They’re just on vacation,” Ari “Or Arin’ti” Fleischer stated. “If they just happen to drop beacons that our weapons can home in on in strategically important areas, well, isn’t that a lucky break? Of course, we’re not actually bombing places where advanced military hardware has been dropped accidentally by forgetful vacationers because – hee hee – that would be an act of war, and we will not be pursuing military action against Iraq until the United Nations weapons inspectors have filed their report at the end of January.”
At this point, Fleischer was winking so madly an assistant handed him eye drops and a tissue.
In other wars news: the day after Defence Secretary Donnie “Darko” Rumsfeld announced that the United States would, if pressed, fight a war against both Iraq and North Korea, Secretary of State Colin Powell firmly stated that the US would, instead, seek a diplomatic solution to North Korea’s pursuit of nuclear weapons. In the hood, this is known as “a major bitch slappin’.” In politics, this is known as “position clarification.”
An anti-war protest did not recently take place. One hundred thousand people did not take to the streets demanding a peaceful resolution to our disagreements with Iraq. Impassioned speeches begging President George Junior not to kill more Iraqi children were not made. Remember: you didn’t hear it here first.
In response to being urged to leave Iraq, representatives of dictator Saddam Hussein stated that he would “fight to the last drop of blood.” Not his own, of course – whatever blood just happens to be lying around. Gives a whole new meaning to the concept of blood donation programmes, doesn’t it?
And, now, a word from our sponsor.
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A Canadian man who told the RCMP that five terrorists were smuggled across the border into the United States may have made the whole story up to get an American criminal charge against him dropped. The first tip-off that something was not quite right with his story came last week, when it was revealed that all five of the suspects he described bore an uncanny resemblance to Boris Karloff. Now, FBI sources believe the additional 19 terrorists he claimed to sell fake passports to did not really include Mr. J. F. Kennedy, Mr. C. Chaplin or Mr. M. K. Gandhi.
Nova Scotia MP Peter Mckay has reversed himself and said that, even though he has “profound problems” with the federal gun registry, he will comply with it. Hmm…a lawyer and former crown prosecutor decides to obey the law…yep, Tory leadership material, for sure. Oh, and, Peter? Remember: shotguns don’t kill political careers, shooting from the lip does.
In a thinly related story, hoping to capitalize on its brand, US gun manufacturer Smith & Wesson intends to put its name and logo on niblicks and mashies. Remember, kids: golf clubs don’t kill people…
In business news: Microsoft Corporation has announced its intention to sue Max’ Windows, claiming the similarity between its name and Microsoft Windows is damaging Microsoft’s business. A stunned Max Lindblum responded: “We’re not a computer company. We wash windows. On houses. And, office buildings.” It is now clear that Microsoft will not stop until everybody in the world is paying a royalty on the “w” word. For this reason, Deadline News will in future refer to windows as “transparent exterior viewing devices…”
The stock market rallied a little on news that President George Junior intended to cut taxes by about $650 billion. Makes sense. When he took office, George Junior cut taxes by $1.35 trillion, and the market dropped for the next two years. If he cuts taxes by only half as much, the market should only fall for another year. Break out the champagne!
According to George Junior, the tax cut, the majority of which will be on stock dividends, is intended to help the average American family. Since almost half of Americans do not own dividend-paying stocks, the average American will get absolutely nothing, but let’s stick with the official rationale for a moment. Americans making less than $50,000 would be eligible to save $84 on their tax bill; Americans making more than $1 million, on the other hand, would save $27,000 annually. This is not, however, a tax giveaway to the rich. “With so many companies in the red or declaring bankruptcy, very few people are actually getting dividends!” the White House assures us. Gee, and I thought we weren’t doing silver linings any more.
And, now, a Deadline News editorial: with the announcement that the United States intends to negotiate an end to North Korea’s pursuit of nuclear arms, I feel it is my duty to the safety of the world to come forth and admit that I have been fooling around with weapons grade plutonium in the workshop above my garage. Twist my arm, and maybe I can be convinced to stop, but I want the American government to keep in mind that I need to redecorate the guest room and trade in the family station wagon for a new vehicle.
Well, that’s my position, anyway.
And, finally: Paul Shaeffer wants Canadians to visit New York City. The American government wants Canadians to be subjected to hostile questioning at the border with the promise of long delays and humiliating strip searches for anybody who is in the least uncooperative. Who do you think is more likely to get their way?
Good Night.
Your transparent exterior viewing device on the world – this is Deadline News…