It’s a drug that kills brain cells. Now, it’s true that we are born with millions of brain cells with billions of interconnections, but if you kill enough of them, your behaviour begins to resemble that of Steve Zahn – not a pretty sight. In fact, the drug causes tremendous amounts of death, broken families and criminal behaviour.
I’m talking, of course, about alcohol.
Yes, alcohol is a drug: a depressant (it’s the murdering brain cells thing – look it up if you don’t believe me). It’s destructive effects are felt in virtually every home and community. Yet, marijuana, which doesn’t cause nearly as much personal and social carnage, is everybody’s favourite illegal substance and the root of one of the Liberal government’s more Jeckyll and Hyde public policy postures (it claims it’s serious about decriminalizing marijuana use one moment, then appeals high court decisions against the drug’s criminalization the next).
Why should one drug get you an invitation to a golf and country club while the other gets you an invitation to a stag shower party at a public correctional facility? Perhaps the answer lies in the relative effects of alcohol and marijuana. What are they? The anecdotal evidence is clear:
When you’re drunk, you’ll drive 100 kilometres an hour in a 40 kilometre zone, weaving this way and that until you jump lanes and crash head on into a school bus, killing seven children (and yourself) and maiming 14 others. When you’re high, you can’t remember where you put the car keys.
Somebody who has been drinking will demand a game of pool and sulk for several hours after he loses. Somebody who has been toking will suggest a game of hearts and quickly forget the score.
Alcohol exaggerates who you are. Pot diminishes your sense of self-importance by making you aware of the whole universe.
When you’re drunk, you’ll make a pass at your wife’s sister. When that doesn’t work, you’ll make a pass at your wife’s best friend. When that doesn’t work, you’ll make a pass at your wife’s hairdresser. By the end of the evening, your wife’s toy Pomeranian is looking pretty hot. Expect a divorce. When you’re high, you giggle at everybody.
Underage alcohol drinkers can get what they want from the liquor cabinet – or, sometimes, the fridge. Underage marijuana smokers have to get their weed from a guy named “Snake” who hangs around outside the property limits of their school – just.
Alcohol destroys your liver. Marijuana teases your lungs.
When you’re drunk, “Hello” can seem like a mortal insult. When you’re high, mortal insults seem like the opening for a righteous dialogue.
If you drink a lot, expect to put on a lot of weight because of the yeast and/or sugars in alcohol. If you toke up a lot, expect to put on a lot of weight because of the junk food you’ll scarf down when you get the munchies. Okay, this one is a bit of a wash.
When you’re drunk, you’ll go up to a biker in a bar and tell him his old lady looked good in all those pictures on the Internet. When you’re high, you and the biker will sit around and wonder what the reality TV show Fear Factor says about human consciousness.
When you’re drunk, United States President George W. Bush looks like a statesman. When you’re high, United President George W. Bush looks like Bozo the Clown. But, you mean that in a good way.
When you’re drunk, investing in Web site IPOs makes sense. When you’re high, investing in another box of Smarties makes sense.
Beer consumption often leads to hard liquor consumption. Marijuana use almost always leads to…more marijuana use.
When you’re drunk, The Fast and the Furious seems too slow. When you’re high, The Snail Network seems too fast.
When you’ve been drinking, you won’t allow a jumbo jet’s roar to drown you out. When you’ve been smoking up, you try to keep your voice down in order to mute the colours.
When the drug policies of his country are challenged, somebody who is drunk will loudly shout, “Love it or leave it, pal! Love it or leave it,” and immediately forget what the argument is about, but punch the nerd on the stool next to him anyway on general principle. When the drug policies of his country are challenged, somebody who is high will say, “Yeah, whatever,” and fall asleep.
Could it be that we have criminalized the wrong drug?