Admit It: You Thought The Slogan “CITY TV: Everywhere” Was Creepy, Too
The Voice has been stilled. Oh, and at the age of 57, Mark Dailey has died of cancer.
A Whoopie Cushion Will Be Bronzed In His Honour
Beloved comic actor Leslie Nielsen has died of pneumonia at the age of 84. Rumours of a dark past had haunted him for decades. Perhaps now the truth can be told: before he starred in such films as Airplane! and The Naked Gun, Nielsen was a…serious dramatic actor. That’s right. He – no! No, let me go on! The truth is out there! – he starred as a spaceship captain in the film Forbidden Planet and, again, later in his career, as the captain of the doomed luxury liner in The Poseidon Adventure, among many other dramatic roles.
“You bastards!” his wife, Barbaree said when asked for a comment on Nielsen’s past. “You jackals in the press, always trying to destroy a man’s reputation! We want to remember Leslie as a comedian, dammit, and that’s the way we WILL remember him!”
Some Diseases You Just Can’t Negotiate With
Famed American diplomat Richard Holbrooke who had negotiated the Bosnia peace treaty and was currently President Obama’s envoy to Afghanistan and Pakistan, has died of a torn aorta at the age of 69. The three remaining members of the State Department will hold a ceremony mourning diplomacy’s demise.
Assuming He Even Had A Dog
Corporate raider Steven Posner died at the age of 67 when his catamaran collided with the boat of a friend he was racing. He was loved by…his dog, at the very least. We’re pretty sure.
Especially Barbarella
Dino De Laurentiis has died at the age of 91. We respect him for producing Serpico and La Strada. We love him for producing Flash Gordon and Barbarella.
He Is Survived By The American Empire (Although Perhaps Just Barely)
At the age of 79, Chalmers Johnson has become history.
Kershner, Irvin Kersh – Naah, It Just Doesn’t Have The Same Zing
Irvin Kershner, who directed such films as The Empire Strikes Back and Robocop 2, has died at the age of 87 after a long illness. I guess you can say never again now.
Dying On The Job? You Wouldn’t Dare If Public Transit Was Privately Owned!
George Robitaille, who achieved infamy when he was photographed apparently asleep in his TTC booth, has succumbed to the illnesses that had plagued him since long before that photo was taken. And, he has achieved a kind of fame: those who would vilify public servants now have a permanent target.
Although Her Fans Live (And Die) In Hope…
Actor Ingrid Pitt has died at the age of 73. Unlike her characters in The Vampire Lovers and Countess Dracula, this is one death she couldn’t be brought back from.
It Burns! It Pat Burns!
At 58, famed hockey coach Pat Burns has died of cancer. Burns got the Maple Leafs further in the playoffs than anybody since their Stanley Cup win in 1967. Sorry, sports fans: he may have been a great coach, but the man wasn’t a miracle worker!
You Can’t Blame This One On The Hunter
Laurie “Bambi” Bembenek has died of liver failure at the age of 52. Although her varied career included a stint as a Playboy bunny, a police officer and a t-shirt slogan, she will probably be remembered for having her own television show: America’s Most Wanted.
He Is Survived By Family Members Whose Identities Will Be Revealed On A Need To Know Basis
Former Deputy Director of the Canadian Security Intelligence Service Jack Hooper has died of an apparent heart attack at the age of 57. He is survived by [REDACTED FOR REASONS OF NATIONAL SECURITY]. A funeral will be held for Hooper at [REDACTED FOR REASONS OF NATIONAL SECURITY]. In his honour, CSIS will abduct a random Muslim off the street and harshly interrogate him for several months.
Fellini’s Death, By Way Of Contrast, Had A Poor Set-up And Non-existent Punch Line
Oscar nominated director Mario Monicelli, who helped develop Italian screen comedy in the 1940s and 1950s, has died at the age of 95. He apparently slipped on a banana peel and fell out of a fifth floor window of his hospital room to his death.
Said film critic Roger Ebert: “He was a consummate comedy director to the very end.”