Good evening. Our top story tonight: the chief of the Communist Party of China, Hu Yoabang, resigned this week. According to the Chinese Politburo, Hu’s “political errors” included painting moustaches on big posters of former Chinese leader Mao Tse Tung, getting really drunk at Party parties and singing “The Yellow Rose of Texas” after everybody repeatedly asked him to stop and bourgeois liberalism. Yoabang was unavailable for comment, but his cleaning woman is reported to have said, “Well, if the Politburo says it’s true, it must be true. I was against political reform in the first place…wasn’t I?”
In a related story: the student demonstrations taking place in Peking and other major Chinese cities seem to be running out of steam. According to several participants in the demonstrations, the students have no real idea of what they want other than a better tasting mouthwash and an autographed eight by ten colour glossy of either Molly Ringwald or Emilio Estevez. We’ll have more on those pictures as they develop.
In other news: the Russian government offered a ceasefire to rebels in Afghanistan, still claiming that although raping and pillaging their country had been a lot of fun, their soldiers sure are tired and would just like to go home. Rebel leaders, who were skeptical, stated, “If they really want to go home, why don’t they learn from ET?”
It’s nice to know that Afghan freedom fighters are up on the latest American pop culture icons, isn’t it? I get warm all over just thinking about it.
Ottawa was thrown into chaos for several minutes on Tuesday when the faces of everybody in the city simultaneously turned red as a result of the revelation that the United States had entered into an agreement with Mexico – Mexico, of all places! – to limit transborder pollution. Traffic was slowed when drivers mistook the red glow for stoplights. Small children started crying and refused to cross the street. Many people, fearing a nuclear conflagration, made confessions they would later regret. Although scientists were at a loss to explain the event, they agreed that whether a person’s face turned red out of embarrassment of anger was directly related to the person’s political beliefs.
Canadian Conservatives were stunned to learn that, according to the latest Gallup poll, they captured only 28 per cent of decided votes, third behind the Liberal Party, with 41, and the New Democratic Party, with 30, although they did lead the Communist Party of Canada, Marxist-Leninist, with negligible. Prime Minister Brian Mulroney was not available for comment, but Mila’s hairdresser told Deadline News that the Conservatives were thinking of extending the Christmas break until June.
In other statistics: the Dow Jones industrials average rose for the tenth day in a row, 35.72 points, to finish at a record high of 2070.73 points. Homosexual and bisexual males make up 82.3 per cent of adult AIDS cases in Canada. The United States and Russia are expected to conduct 25 nuclear tests apiece this year. There were 51 original members of the United Nations. And, of course, $8.6 million of foreign investment was spent in Canada in 1985.
Owing to dies lost in transit between branches, the Canadian mint has decided not to use the Voyageur design on its 1987 coins, replacing it with a Canadian loon. This seems so appropriate that any further comment would be superfluous.
On the local scene: Toronto Mayor Art Eggleton is still furious that the federal government intends to give breaks to Montreal and Vancouver to help them become world banking centres, which the Mayor believes will lessen Toronto’s international status as the financial capital of Canada. In response, British Columbia Premier William Vander Zalm has again accused central Canada of paternal parochialism and not thinking of the other province’s feelings. Should this inter-provincial ill-will escalate, the federal government is considering asking either American envoy Phillip Habib or Anglican church envoy Terry Waite to negotiate between the provinces.
On the entertainment scene: I was not personally asked to sign the letter to the New Yorker protesting the installation of an outsider, Robert A. Gotlieb, as editor. But, I’m sure this was just an oversight, and I intend to chain myself to a corner newsstand as a show of solidarity with my print brothers.
Even J. D. Salinger.
Tommy Hunter announced that he would do a series of benefit concerts for former Newfoundland Premier, the only living Father of Confederation and a man who can rumba if he has to, Joey Smallwood. Smallwood owes a Toronto publisher $176,000 for printing two volumes of his Newfoundland Encyclopedia, was unavailable for comment, but his chiropractor said that when he gets on his feet, Smallwood will be donating the proceeds of his encyclopedia to – wait for it – Tommy Hunter to buy himself a new guitar, making this the first reciprocal benefit in history.
Give, ladies and gentlemen. Give with all your hearts.
And now, a Deadline News editorial. The tiny, perfect Secretary of State, David Crombie, announced that the government wouldn’t be funding the right-wing, anti-divorce, anti-abortion, anti-feminist group REAL Women, despite the fact that it funds the National Action Council on the Status of Women. Okay. It’s the government’s money and the government can do what it wants with it. What I don’t understand I, how come this small minority of women who want to impose their repressive views on women in society has become so organized? Shouldn’t they be at home, raising children and keeping the values that they say they believe in? Not only that, but why is it okay for them to publicly disagree with male government officials? Get with it, ladies – REAL Women don’t form lobby groups.
Well, that’s my opinion, anyway.
In a story last week, we reported that Canadian free trade negotiator Simon Reisman, responding to American negotiator Peter Murphy’s statement indicating that the Auto Pact should be included in free trade talks, had said, “Short of hypnotizing him, I’m not certain how much clearer I can make it that the Auto Pact is not up for discussion. Of course, if he was hypnotized, there are a lot of other issues we could quickly clear up…” Apparently, this was incorrect. What Mr. Reisman did, in fact, say was, “I don’t like it.”
We regret any confusion our error may have caused, Still, our version was more interesting than the original, wasn’t it?
And, finally: Sherry, I wish you all the best in your new position as co-anchor of the Global Nightly News – you know I do – but running those stupid wine commercials during your broadcasts doesn’t do a thing for your credibility. Really.
Good night.