Good evening. Our top story tonight: the White House continues to deny it officially approved of the missions to arm the Contras in Nicaragua like the one in which American Eugene Hasenfus was captured by Sandinista soldiers. In addition, the President insists that the arms sent to Iran were not part of a deal to release hostages, that releasing a Russian prisoner was not a swap for the release of World News and Report Russian correspondent Nicholas Daniloff and that the recent summit in Reykyavik, Iceland between the US and Russia was not a summit. One State Department official, who refused to be identified on camera because he needed a shave, stated “Credibility problem? There’s no credibility problem with this administration. As long as the Russians send a semi-literate 12 year-old with a limited understanding of international relations to the next arms control summit, we’ll do just fine.”
Oh, and, Ronnie, loved the comic book.
In other news: the Save the Whales campaign has – dare I say it? – foundered since it was revealed that the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society, a radical splinter group of Greenpeace, was responsible for the sinking of two whaling vessels from Iceland. It is now rumoured that another splinter group calling itself Save the Humans will be accepting donations by the end of the month.
The Democratic Party regained control of both the Senate and the House of Representatives in last week’s Congressional elections, but the real winners may have been the Sanitation Engineers who had the clean the city streets of mud. Said one former Senator, who asked not to be identified until the jury returned with a verdict, “I had to deny charges that I was a Commie-baiting, pork-barreling petty criminal who was soft on drugs. It was the most ridiculous smear campaign I have ever witnessed! I am not soft on drugs!”
If you didn’t see that one coming, you need to make an appointment with your optometrist. Like, now.
And, now, a Free Trade Talks Update: American negotiator Peter Murphy ineffectually stifled a yawn late yesterday afternoon, which suggested rough times ahead. Canadian negotiator Simon Reisman was unavailable for comment, and is rumoured to be considering sneezing in response to Murphy’s yawn. We’ll have more on this emerging colds war as it develops.
Sources within the Liberal Party, who refused to go on record because they have never taken singing lessons, denied that the upcoming party convention would be a bloodbath, despite ordering a used tank, several sub-machine guns and a bullet-proof vest for leader John Turner. “Let’s just say,” the sources said – off key, “that we know Lalonde, Davey and the others have been stocking up on offensive weapons, and we don’t want to be caught unprepared.”
Those offensive weapons? They’re called Liberal policy manuals, boys.
Although Canada Post was dealt a blow when the Conservative Party caucus refused a planned increase in stamps from 34 to 36 cents, the Corporation is going ahead with plans for a new series of stamps featuring…Canada Post. Motifs include inside workers taking coffee breaks and throwing packages marked “FRAGILE” around, families gathered warmly around Supermailboxes, carriers on strike and, of course, dollar signs.
On the local scene: Ontario NDP MPP – try saying that three times fast – Richard Johnston explained how he expected his private member’s bill making Ontario a nuclear free zone to work. “In case of war,” he said, “Incoming missiles would be stopped at the border and forced to produce papers proving that they had a job waiting for them in the country. If they had no papers, the might be refused entry and, at the discretion of the guards, subjected to a strip search.”
A new proposal being considered by the Liberal Party would see beer made available at corner stores, but only on Sundays. One Liberal MPP, who refused to be identified in such a pitiful voice that we couldn’t refuse, said, “Our critics will be studying this one for months!”
On the entertainment scene: the Juno Awards were held this past week, and I can’t decide which was the bigger surprise: Gordon Lightfoot receiving his Lifetime Achievement Award from Bob Dylan, or Anne Murray just showing up. One enthusiastic fan of the show, who asked not to be identified because he wasn’t sure of his identity himself, said, “Wow! We might as well give up on new music – we’ll never be able to top this!” Funny, but I thought the Junos had given up on new music a long time ago…
Despite mostly negative reviews, James Clavell stated that there is no truth to the rumour that the film version of his best-selling novel is to be retitled Me Tai-Pan, You Jane.
In a story last week, we reported that a man walking down Yonge Street wore a sandwich board that read: “The world will end at midnight.” Apparently, this was incorrect. The last time we checked, the world had not ended; it was, in fact, doing just fine, thank you.
We regret any confusion his error may have caused.
And, finally: I don’t have to say anything final if I don’t want to, so there.
Good night.