Good evening. Our top story tonight: is it just my imagination, or does Canadian Auto Workers President Bob White really look and sound like Pat Paulsen? Are there any pictures of the two of them together? Forget the Constitutional Accord, forget the Iran/Contra hearings, this is what I really want to know!
In other news: various factions of the Palestine Liberation Organization have agreed to put aside their differences and unite under the leadership of Yasser Arafat. As the PLO Marching Band played “Yasser, That’s My Baby,” Arafat told the crowd, “We will not kill anybody unless we have a very good reason or a note from Syria.”
The Apartheid government of South Africa overwhelmingly returned to power in an election not open to the country’s black majority, which, according to President P. W. Botha, gives it a mandate to “kick butt.” The World Chess Federation is still considering holding a Championship in Pretoria, although it’s still not certain it will abide by the government’s insistence that on a white pieces only game which nobody can win.
How do rumours spread? Deadline News has started a rumour in Buffalo, New York, and our rumour trackers will keep us informed as to its progress throughout the broadcast.
Canada’s Ambassador to the United Nations, Stephen Lewis, will accept the government’s order not to appear at a meeting of the International Physicians for the Prevention of Nuclear War in Moscow. External Affairs Minister Joe Clark would not respond to charges that it was government policy to appoint prominent opponents to foreign postings, but not allow them to do anything once there, but he was sporting a grin that could properly be described as Cheshire-like.
British Customs agents impounded an Air Canada jet at Heathrow Airport after another of the airline’s planes was used to smuggle drugs into Canada. There’s a cheap joke about getting high before the plane takes off somewhere in this story, but at least a dozen comics at Yuk Yuks have probably milked it to death, so why bother?
Proving once again that the policies of Canada’s Conservative government are just the policies of the American Republican government delayed by six months to a year and watered down, Justice Minister Ray Hnatyshyn introduced legislation to curb pornography. The proposed law makes it illegal to do whatever you’re doing right now, so stop it! Deadline News has voluntarily agreed not to use the following words or phrases which might be offensive to some: breast of chicken, baby bottle nipple, flashlight, bum’s rush, intellectual intercourse, assume, asset, assert, pink fibreglass insulation and freedom of expression.
Edwin Meese would have been proud.
Bernhard Goetz, the so-called Subway Vigilante, went on trial recently, to everybody’s dismay. Liberals appalled by his cold-blooded shooting of four black youths in a New York subway must have been shocked by the completely unsavoury nature of his victims. On the other hand, those who applauded Goetz’ act of “self-defense” must have been given pause by his ruthless lack of compassion or remorse. Some incidents are better left unpoliticized, don’t you think?
Our first rumour update is just in: the rumour was overheard in a truck stop in Decatur, Illinois, where it had stopped to pick up a cup of coffee. Word really does travel fast, doesn’t it?
On the local scene: Toronto’s domed stadium will be known as the SkyDome, a name chosen from 12,000 entries. SkyDome? Didn’t he win the Kentucky Derby? Needless to say, my entry, The New Ol’ Ballpark, was deep-sixed. I was crushed.
A 15 year-old boy, mistakenly tried in an adult court in Nova Scotia, received a 90 day sentence for contempt of court when he laughed after pleading guilty to a charge of loitering. Oddly, his twin brother had his charge of loitering dropped minutes later because he was being tried in the wrong court. Albert Einstein was unavailable for comment. Judge Stanley Campbell did comment, however, explaining, “The Administration of justice in this province is not something to be laughed at.”
Hmm…
And, now, a Deadline News editorial: a few days ago, I was skimming through Canada’s National Newspaper when I came across the following quote: “Look, you are supposed to find shoes in a closet. That’s what they’re there for. They found plenty of shoes, but no skeletons.” I thought, Okay, here’s another kick at the Mulroneys for their exorbitant renovations at 24 Sussex Drive. But, no. I was wrong. The quote came from Imelda Marcos. I mean, our government is so lacking in imagination, it can” even come up with an original scandal! I say we get up a collection to hire a scriptwriter to create some interesting Canadian scandals for a change.
Well, that’s my opinion, anyway.
The town of Islip, New York has found a novel way of getting rid of its refuse: send it on a sea cruise. If the idea catches on, hundreds, possibly thousands of tons of garbage could set out on the high seas within months. Before you get carried away with visions of coffee grounds and potato peelings sunning themselves in deckchairs around the pool, environmentalists have argued that the plan only delays dealing with the garbage problem because the number of berths on ocean liners is limited and, anyway, people shouldn’t have to share their cabins with garbage they didn’t produce themselves. In the meantime, the story of the first boatload of refuse, The Break of Dawn, is being made into a TV movie called The Love Barge.
Do I smell a series in the works?
And, if you have garbage you’d like to see off, why not give it a cupful of quarters and a ticket on the Princess Margeurite, sailing from Vancouver to Seattle? British Columbia Premier William “The SoCred and the Profane” Vander Zalm refused to acknowledge any contradiction in his previous moral stands and allowing his government to sponsor gambling on the boat, insisting that, “Jesus would not have approved of this Province’s shaky finances.”
According to researchers at the University of Toronto, the mist emitted by Niagara Falls contains toxic chemicals that could be harmful to people’s health, so honeymooners are advised to take along asbestos raincoats and gasmasks just to be safe.
At last word, our rumour had donned dark glasses and was spotted boarding a plane for Cannes. So, that’s how they travel so fast!
And, finally: I must admit that I was Hartbroken by the journalistic Hart attack that recently had everybody singing “Your Cheatin’ Hart.” Here was a classic case of Hart burn, one which has the left the 1988 Presidential campaign Hartless. Did Gary have lust in his Hart? Some say he wore his Hart on his sleeve, but I believe his Hart was in the right place. After all, the United States prides itself on considering people innocent until proven guilty, but didn’t seem to practice what they preached in this affair of the Hart. And, now, the Hart is truly a lonely hunter. Does this sort of scrutiny deter America’s best and brightest from running for President? To answer that, we will all have to search deep within our own Harts.
Good night.