Good evening. Our top story tonight: the first day of the summit between United States President Ronald Reagan and Russian Premier Mikhail Gorbachev, who met both officially and unofficially, is officially over. Through sources within the State Department, we have received a partial transcript of what took place at the 44 minute fireside “chat.”
“Come on, Ronnie, let me play with your Strategic Defense Initiative!”
“I don’t wanna, and you can’t make me!
“Oh, please? Please? I’ll be your friend forever!”
“Leave me ‘lone or I’ll tell the United Nations on you!”
“Waah!”
Our State Department sources have been quoted as saying that, “They’re just a bunch of babies.” White House spokesmen have denied the allegation, stating that it is just one more State Department attempt to derail the peace process, and if they don’t smarten up, the White House is going to take its ball and go home. Meanwhile, the summit continues.
In other news: although many opinions have come out of Washington in recent weeks about what Americans might be looking for in a free trade deal with Canada, there have been few concrete proposals. One such proposal did surface this week, however; according to low White House sources, Washington is interested in acquiring the Edmonton Oilers hockey franchise in exchange for a small mid-western town, or possibly the New York borough of the Bronx.
External Affairs Minister Joe Clark took the opportunity to publicly state, once again, that Canadian cultural institutions would not be threatened by free trade. Soon after, however, Clark inadvertently joked, “If they’re thinking about Boise, they can forget it!” into a live microphone.
Clark later denied that Ottawa was considering a counter-proposal in which the Toronto Maple Leafs would go to the United States in return for 20 Chevrolet Malibus, three crates of Florida oranges and a tin of tuna for the cat. “If that were the case,” Clark quipped, “We would insist that they take Harold Ballard.” Toronto hockey fans were reportedly not amused.
The federal government has decided to sell teddy bears bought for its diplomats in Hong Kong after drawing criticism for the extravagance of the gesture. The teddy bears, which cost taxpayers over $773,500, will be sold off as soon as market conditions are favourable, said the External Affairs Department. The Department said that the teddy bears were intended to ease the burden of diplomatic life in the “hardship” posting of Hong Kong, muttered something about “not having to sleep alone” and started to giggle inanely, as External Affairs Departments are wont to do.
On the local scene: the Ministry of Health has ordered all records by the rock group April Wine removed from the shelves of Ontario music stores because tests over the weekend indicated that they contained a carcinogenic chemical commonly found in antifreeze. Officials suggest owners of suspect albums consult local disc jockeys.
Band members were unavailable for comment.
According to New Democratic Party leader Robert Rae, equal pay for work of equal value legislation is almost finished. It has now been agreed that the average garbage collector is equal to a junior television executive, that sheet metal workers are equal to city councillors and that telephone solicitors are equal to math textbooks writers.
Rae went on, at length, to describe the new relationships. A tenured university professor equals two bus drivers, a Certified Public Accountant equals three waiters and a Cabinet Minister equals three cabbies, one glass blower and one blue collar worker to be named at a later date. Outgoing Conservative Party leader Frank Miller said, “The whole thing is nutty! Just nutty. Junior television executives aren’t worth anywhere near that much!”
In a story last week, we reported that Stephanie Zimbalist, star of the television programme Remington Steele, had stated, “Funding for Catholic schools in Ontario is the greatest thing since sliced bread!” Apparently, this was incorrect. What Zimbalist had, in fact, said, was: “If that bum doesn’t stop stepping all over my lines, I’m going to quit this business and join a nunnery!”
We regret any confusion our mistake may have caused.
And, finally: Prince Charles and Princess Diana may be gone, but the American love affair with the royal couple goes on. Reports out of Washington confirm that dinnerware used by the royals at the official dinner in their honour will be auctioned off. Cutlery is expected to bring from $2,000 to $5,000 per piece, while the dishes, many of which still have leftovers clinging to them, may go for as much as $20,000.
There was no word on whether napkins were also up for auction.
Good night.