Good evening. Our top story tonight: actor Charlton Heston has publicly announced that he is in the first stages of Alzheimer’s disease. In a videotaped statement, Heston stated, “I believe I am still the fighter that Dr. King and JFK and Ronald Reagan knew.” Heston was referring, of course, to civil rights activist Martin Luther King, who, had he not been assassinated with a handgun, would certainly have stood tall with Heston at National Rifle Association meetings.
That was our lead story? That was an entertainment story. Sorry about that. It’s been a few years, and we may be a little rusty. Let me try again.
Our top story tonight: United States President George Bush is talking tough in order to rally support for a war against Iraqi Dictator Saddam Hussein. Bush claims that – oh, come on! This story is a decade old! I know the network is heavily into reruns, but this is ridic – A different President George Bush? Is it a different Saddam Hussein, too?
Again, you have my apolog – really! What are the odds of two men with the name George Bush becoming President a decade apart? Can I please have a proper lead story? Is that really too much to ask?
Humph. Our top story tonight: According to American Drug Enforcement Agency head Asa Hutchinson, the proceeds from drugs bought in Canada and sold illegally in the United States are being used to fund terror in the Middle East. This is good news for Canadian pundits and pro-military right wing think tanks who have been looking for a so-called “Canadian Connection” to terrorism for months. Unfortunately, the group benefiting from the illegal drug traffic is the shabby Palestinian group Hezbollah, not public enemy number one Al-Qaeda. Clearly, Marcus Gee is going to have to redouble his efforts to save America from the terrorist scourge to the north.
Okay. In other news: WorldCom Inc. recently announced that it would likely write off $50.6 billion – that was not a speech defect, friends, I did say billion – for goodwill and intangible assets. There is no word, yet, on whether “ill will” is being considered an acceptable line item in Generally Accepted Accounting Practice.
Recently elected Colombian President Alvarao Uribe has authorized measures to crack down on an insurgency during what he called a “state of internal commotion.” For those of you unfamiliar with the hierarchy of political contingencies, this is more serious than a “state of internal todo,” but not as serious as a “state of internal hubbub.” Of course, for anybody who disagrees with the government, it looks suspiciously like a traditional “state of internal control.”
On the local scene: as temperatures in Toronto soar, increasing electricity use is being blamed on the increased use of air conditioning. The Ontario Independent Electricity Market Operator has warned of possible brownouts if electricity consumption continues to hit record highs. One unnamed Tory MPP commented: “The birth rate as a result of blackouts usually increases – maybe we won’t need so many immigrants in nine months.” Can you spot all the ways this statement is politically incorrect?
School boards across Toronto have had to cut programmes for handicapped children as a result of provincial funding cuts. This is happening at the same time the Province is committed to reducing income taxes. So, the $50 you got back from the Province means a retarded kid isn’t going to get the schooling he or she needs. I hope you really, really enjoy spending that money.
On the entertainment scene: Hollywood screenwritier Joe Esterhaz excoriated the industry for glorifying cigarette smoking in their films – and apologized for his writing that glorifies smoking – after he found out that he had throat cancer. One can’t help but wonder what part of his anatomy would have had to have gotten cancer for him to apologize for his, and Hollywood’s, misogyny.
And, now, a Deadline News editorial. Several times this year, Torontonians have been asked to leave their cars at home to help ease gridlock or reduce smog or some other short-sighted reason. Wake up and smell the exhaust fumes, people! I didn’t become a wage slave so I could leave my motorized status symbol in a garage where no one could see it! You don’t like it? Move to Tibet! Just don’t come whining to me if some do-gooder warns you of Yak-lock!
Well, that’s my opinion, anyway.
And, finally: Alan Greenspan is not god. Maybe if we stop treating him like he is, he’ll stop believing it.
It’s good to be back!
Good night.